Hellooo again!!
Another exciting chapter! Let's get started.
General thoughts.
Excellent continuation of the previous chapter! You did a really nice job of keeping the suspense and intrigue up and describing what was going on. I'm no good at battle scenes and I don't know anything about weapons, but I found I was able to follow this well. The sequence of events made sense and flowed well. I simply loved when she was bright enough to use her room to her advantage. That was a really interesting twist on the fight - especially since it may or may not be allowed! (I love rule breakers :p).
I actually don't have many qualms with this chapter. I can tell you've been working on adding more to your dialogue and beefing it up, and it's definitely improved! I really don't have much to say criticism wise, but I still have a lot of thoughts :p
Specific thoughts.
She would be just fine on her own.
I still find it so interesting that she's choosing to be by herself. I'm torn on whether or not this is a smart idea in this scenario, but it's also a really interesting character thing - that she prefers to work alone.
she had turned off the headset now that they were split up.
Why? Is it loud enough that the other team would hear? I would think she would want to keep tabs on the other members of her team so she knows where everyone is.
Then she rounded a corner and stumbled to a halt.
I would take out the "then". I think it takes away power from the sentence.
Verona froze for a split second too long.
I'm really, really glad she's not perfect at this on her first go-around. I thought overall, you made it pretty believable that this was her first time in "action".
Then she realized – they were too close together. The gun’s safety was on. In a real battle, had Bryant fired without a safety, he would have gotten caught in the energy blast and killed himself, too.
I'm a little confused here. The gun didn't go off because they were too close distance wise? Why does that matter? Is that only for purposes of this drill or is it a thing with these guns that you can't fire them close range? Or is because he left his safety on?
And speaking of that safety. He leaves the safety on, and then in the next sentence you talk about what would happen with the safety off. I didn't quite understand why he would die in a real battle if his safety was off and he tried to fire. Don't you want your safety off when you're actually trying to fire a gun at someone? Why would that kill him? Or are you referring to the situation they're finding themselves in now and if he had fired his gun like this in a real fight it would have killed him? I'm confused about how he would die.
He stumbled backwards, struggling to draw his baton and re-holster his gun.
Is there a reason why he can't fix the safety problem or move farther away and try again? (I don't know very much about guns :p)
She drew a dagger and holstered her gun in the same smooth movement, then rushed in, aiming at the sweet spot on the left side of his chest.
And is there a reason why she's not using her gun right now?
She needed to get far away enough to use her gun.
Why didn't she do this sooner when she had that little window when he was getting his baton and she was getting her dagger? Why didn't she sprint backwards while he was occupied?
Here, I think "to get far enough away" would sound better.
but Verona figured when she was fighting for her life she wouldn’t be too worried about playing dirty.
Smart girl
She exited the Room, tense. Bryant pulled the trigger. Nothing happened.
I'm guessing he was far enough away from her to not notice her slipping into her room there for a second and it would be reasonable to assume he wouldn't attribute her to what just happened to his weapon?
“I can take care of myself,” Verona said indignantly.
Atta girl (In addition to rule-breakers, I also have a weakness for strong, independent ladies)
“Well, I got two at the beginning, then after we split up I got a couple more. I don’t know about Pren, but there still shouldn’t be more than five left.”
Well look at him being the hero
They made their way to the rendezvous, staying in the buildings as much as possible to avoid attention.
How do they know they're going the right way? I would guess Verona would be a little disoriented after what just happened, so is she trusting that Kyle knows the way? Is there a landmark she sees that helps her to know which way they need to go?
Verona turned her sound back on, just in case Pren said something.
She's still a little wobbly right, because Kyle hasn't stopped helping her yet. So is this easy or difficult for her to do? If this effects her nervous system I would assume the effects would either wear off from the inside out - as in she first starts to feel better right in the middle of her body and the effects spread outwards. If that's the case her hands and feet/fingers/toes would be the last to feel okay again. I would assume that turning on her sound would require some fine motor finger activity which might be difficult if she's still feeling the effects of the paralysis.
After a few minutes, her head cleared and she told Kyle he could stop helping her along.
I would agree that her head would be among the last things to feel back to normal. I would also mention her legs or her feet because she's attempting to use those and I would assume it has become easier to support herself or walk on her own.
Flushed with victory, they headed out of the arena and back to the hallway outside the elevator, where the rest of the class was gathered.
I would develop this a touch more about how Verona feels and what her reaction is to all of this. After all, this is her show
The woman fixed Verona in her gaze. “Something happened out in the field. Lani is asking for you.”
Duh, duh duuuuuuuh!!!!! Great chapter ending! The return of Lani!!
Well I hope that was at least a little useful :p Very excited to read on! I'll see you in the next chapter, and please let me know if you have any questions or if anything I said was confusing!
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