At the very next meeting Analia attended, Egrand announced that the church would be organizing a protest in downtown Aerean, near a government base. He encouraged everyone to come, but the gleam in his eye as he looked around at them brought a disquieting tone to his encouragement. Dumbfounded, Analia realized that they were moving even faster than she had thought. She tried to catch Sue’s eye, but the woman was sitting almost directly behind her and Analia didn’t want to make it obvious she was turning around.
Afterwards, Sue invited Analia to walk home with her. Walking down the sidewalk next to the mag-lev streets, she confided her worries to the older woman. Protests were dangerous – they could turn violent so quickly.
“And,” she said, raising her voice to be heard as a car shot past “what about my job? I can’t go out protesting and then expect them to let me dust for fingerprints, let alone be an officer.”
“I think you should talk to Teacher Egrand about it,” Sue said. “Because you’re right – they won’t take someone who’s ‘anti-government’, and it’s not fair to ask you to jeopardize your future. But I’m sure he can find a way for you to help.”
Somehow, Analia didn’t think he would sympathize with her concerns. She folded her arms. “Like what? I’m not even sure I want to do anything anyway. There are plenty of people helping already, and they don’t need to worry about their jobs.”
Silence stretched between them as Sue considered Analia’s words. She turned right at the next street, catching Analia by surprise. That wasn’t the way to Sue’s house.
“What are you doing?” she asked, hurrying to catch up.
“I want to show you something,” Sue said. “Have you ever been to one of the factories Teacher Egrand was talking about?”
Analia shook her head. That was Verona’s area of expertise.
“I’ll give you a tour, then.”
The factory wasn’t far. After only a few minutes of walking, it loomed over them, easily twenty stories, an old whitewashed building. It didn’t exactly look like the place was open for tours.
Its only humanizing feature was a young boy who sat with his back against the old brick wall, tapping away on a primitive tablet, a backpack on the ground beside him. He was at least two years past the age for the basic holovision implants, but Analia couldn’t see any glinting off the corners of his eyes.
She crouched down next to the boy. “Hey there. Are you waiting for someone?”
The boy looked at her apprehensively, but nodded. “My mum. She works here.”
Sue appeared behind them. “Shouldn’t you be in school?” she asked.
“Got out already.”
“Do you wait here every day? Why not just go home?” Analia asked.
He shrugged thin shoulders. “I’d rather be here.”
“What about in the winter?” Aerean wasn’t an equatorial city – though it rarely snowed, winters were often cold.
“What about winter?” He was getting more uncomfortable now, glancing from Analia and Sue to his tablet and back.
“Never mind,” Sue said, motioning to Analia to leave him. She rose reluctantly, glancing over her shoulder at his small frame, bent over his work once more.
“What are we doing here?” she demanded. “I don’t think they do tours.”
“You’ll see.” Sue led her to a small side door and knocked. Analia hung back, sure they weren’t supposed to be here. How was Sue going to get them in?
The door opened, and Sue exchanged a few words with the large, burly man standing behind it. He wore a security uniform, and despite the few wisps of white hair on his head, his massive figure was intimidating. Analia held her breath. Surely he was going to tell them to get lost.
To her great astonishment, he stood back and let Sue in, then beckoned to Analia. She came inside and stared at Sue. “How come we’re allowed in?”
“This is my brother, Ovil,” Sue explained. “He’s one of the head guards here.”
“Well, he’s not doing a very good job of guarding, then, letting us in.” The comment sprang unbidden to her lips.
Ovil laughed, and the wrinkles that creased his face made him look less like a bodyguard and more like a grandfather who happened to lift weights. “That’s true. You really shouldn’t be here. But it’s been a boring day, and nobody’s going to come along for a while. To what do I owe this visit?”
Sue shrugged as if it was no big deal. “I just wanted to show Analia here around the place. She’s never seen one of these before.”
Worry crept into the old man’s eyes. “You won’t walk out of here easily. Moving around like that, with all the guards, no way you won’t be seen. I’d be out of a job soon enough.”
“At least let her see the main room,” Sue pressed. “Where all the workers are.”
“All right, then,” he said. “But only if you’re quick. Shift ends in three minutes. It’s up those stairs and right down the hallway.”
He followed a few feet behind. The stairwell took them up a story and deposited them into a windowed hallway. The window in question was long and narrow, running almost the entire length of the room on the other side.
“Have a look,” Sue gestured. Analia peered over the windowsill at the mess of color below.
Rows upon rows of conveyer belts crossed the room, and packed densely on either side were workers, sitting hunched together. They were Shaping unbelievably fast, a new product warping into form every twenty seconds or so, only to be swept away by the conveyer belt. It looked like the highest form of tediousness. After a few hours, they probably knew the design by heart. Such a waste of skill.
“Their shifts are four hours each,” Sue said.
Analia spun around. “You’re kidding! That’s at least a minute in the Room per item – it’s like they’re working a twelve-hour shift. Nobody could survive that.”
“You build up the stamina after a while,” said Ovil, turning away from the window. “Damn, I hate watching them work. Bad memories.”
“How did you get out?” Analia asked.
Ovil shrugged. “Worked hard, got promoted. It happens occasionally.”
She had fixated on one of the workers, a small, slight woman with short black hair. It was hard to make out features at this distance, but her face seemed sunken and her frame abnormally thin. She wondered if that was the boy’s mother.
Sue followed Analia’s gaze. “That would have been Verona, you know.”
“No it wouldn’t have!” said Analia. “She was going to open a business – she would have made it work.” Analia was sick of people telling Verona to get a ‘real’ degree.
“No, I actually meant it’s what she would probably end up doing in prison,” Sue said. “That’s the labor they do in the penal colonies.”
“Oh…” said Analia, turning back to the windowsill.
Beside her, Ovil stiffened suddenly. A question died on Analia’s lips as she realized she could hear footsteps in the distance.
“It’s the shift change,” Ovil hissed. “Go, quickly!” He shoved them back the way they came.
“But they’re coming from back there!” Analia whispered.
“I shouldn’t have asked you to let us in,” Sue said anxiously.
“We need another exit,” Analia said.
“This way.” Ovil led them down the hallway to another stairwell. “Go down these stairs and take the first right – it should lead back to the door you came in. You shouldn’t hear anyone, but if you do, just hide.”
“But what are you going to do?” Sue asked.
“I’ll distract them. Just go!”
They hurried down the steps and along another smooth hallway, emerging into familiar territory. As they approached the door, they heard voices echoing down the hallway, but they managed to slip outside before they were seen.
“What was all that about?” Analia demanded once they were a safe distance away.
“You know perfectly well,” Sue said.
Analia couldn’t bring herself to feel indignant. “You’re right,” she said, the image of the young boy imprinted upon her mind’s eye. “This has got to stop. I’ll do whatever I can to help.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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'tablet and back.'
Come on finish the sentence because he can't really look at his back, but he can his backpack.
Wow now it seems like twin Analia will start thing like an Absolute. Hmmm.....maybe the wrong sister is on the Absolutes planet. At least, I feel Verona would be more on the government side. No matter what there has to be a wrong in both the government and Absolutes so maybe the twins are going to be seeing that side instead of the good sides.
Just a little nitpick: you're missing a comma after "past."
Talking to the little boy seemed... random to me. I'd work on indicating why Analia decided to speak with him. Maybe her heart went out to him because he's so small, or maybe she was concerned for his safety because they were in a rough area or because the fumes from the factory were so strong. (That last one doesn't really make sense since it's a Shaping factory but I think you get what I'm trying to say.) In any case, show us Analia's thoughts and feelings. They were mostly absent in this section.
What I liked is how you put the last chapter and this one together. It's like at the same time the twins are experiencing different Shaping factories, so as to provide a contrast of the two types. I would have taken Verona's word that the factories are bad, which is why she'd want her own private business, but you proved it from Analia's perspective.
This whole predicament is so neat. Verona, our hero, has crossed the threshold into a new world. Analia's still at home, dealing with her own issues. Whereas Analia's story isn't nearly as exciting, it's still important. From the two very different lives of a pair of twins, we've learned about this world.
On the other hand, while seeing Analia's point of view is always useful, it isn't always as fascinating as Verona's. Verona is clearly the focus of the story. Analia's here because she's her twin. It's important to make them equal, hower, at least somewhat. Hopefully these riots coming up will provide some good ol' action and suspense, just like what remains so prominent in Verona's side of the story.
Overall, good chapter. I'll be looking forward to some action coming up!
Hellooo again!
General thoughts.
I wasn't as into this chapter as I was the last. It's well-written and everything, but the plot left me feeling a little perplexed. I wasn't sure why going to the factory was necessary and why they needed to rush out at the end. Was it a way to get Analia to dislike the government so she'll be more keen on going against them?
And speaking of the government, I thought Analia was on the government's side. She and Sue and the church are starting to sound like they're very anti-government just like Verona. I originally thought that Verona would be the rebel and Analia would side with the government and there would be this big show-down at some point. Now, I'm thinking Analia and Sue are going to somehow end up joining Verona. OR, they're still going to be anti-government and the absolutes are going to turn out to be different than what Verona expected and like full of lies or something and she's going to want out. (And I'm probably completely wrong and you have something else planned :p) So, I'm still very excited to see where all of this is going to lead. However, when you write the second draft (I'm sure you're aware of this too) and once you know what's going to happen with each of these girls, some of these earlier scenes will need to have more direction and focus about what they're doing and what side they're on.
Specific thoughts.
Afterwards, Sue invited Analia to walk home with her. Walking down the sidewalk next to the mag-lev streets, she confided her worries to the older woman. Protests were dangerous – they could turn violent so quickly.[/quote]
Can you show us this?
Exactly what I was thinking! Glad she thought this.
Why. I feel like she should give an explanation to Analia, or Analia should ask for one. It seems kind of random.
Okay so now she asks but doesn't get an answer. I would prefer her intentions to be made more clear earlier, otherwise I think this feels a little random. If you don't want to reveal it right away, maybe Analia could speculate about why they're there or you could give more of her thoughts/feelings about the situation.
Explain this a little more - how time works and how shaping tires you out. You started to go there in the last chapter with how tired Verona got shaping, but I don't quite understand the time component.
What does she think of what Sue just said? And how does she feel?
I think to add to the suspense of will they get out in time, there could be some sort of bell or noise that signals the shift change other than footsteps - something jarring or something that will make our hearts start to beat faster
I like the short sentences to make things more suspenseful, but it didn't quite work for me because I don't know what's going on right now. What's happening in the surroundings that are increasing their sense of panic. If I know that, and you stick with short sentences, it will increase my sense of panic for them.
Really not sure what connection she made just now. What has to stop? What does she know perfectly well? Hash that out a little more.
I enjoyed it and understood it more on the second read-through when I was doing the specifics. I'm also watching Harry Potter right now (#always :p) because it's on TV so I apologize if I contradicted myself or something didn't make sense. Let me know and I'll try to decipher it
See you in the next chapter!!
*Sigh* You're right, of course. Analia's plot has been all over the place. I'm still not sure what to do with her. I did want her to be like a foil for Verona and to be working with the government against the Absolutes, but I can't figure out how to get around the fact that she's basically fresh out of college and there's no reason the government would promote her to that level. So it's veered towards this instead.
They could always bring her to that level because they know (or guess) Verona is working on the other side and they want to exploit Analia?
I think this direction could definitely work though!
Ooh I kinda like Carlito's idea ^^