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Young Writers Society



Shaping Faith: Chapter 4, Part 2

by Mea


That night, Verona was unable to sleep. She tossed and turned for hours. Two twin weights threatened to crush her – the pain Verona could feel from Analia, even with their reduced link, and the lack of news from the Absolutes.

She spent much of the morning pacing her cell. By eleven, she was nearly at her wits’ end. At eleven thirty, her cell door was flung open. A middle-aged policewoman came in, flanked by two guards. Verona stood up and allowed them to handcuff her. After the tension of the last few hours, she felt oddly numb, as if her body had given up on emotion.

The woman read from a hologram over her wrist, sounding bored. “Verona Sheif, transfer to Lunar Penal Colony, effective the thirty-fifth day of the eighth month of the year 1478. Time served: twenty years.”

At the mention of her sentence, Verona felt a pang in her stomach.

“I can take her from here,” the woman said to the guards. They filed out to resume their patrols.

The woman guided Verona out of the cell and down the sterile hallway to the processing chamber. Suddenly, she spoke in an urgent whisper.

“Listen to me, but don’t respond. There are cameras and microphones everywhere. My name is Ulna, and I’m from the Absolutists. We’re going to get you out of here.”

Verona had to fight to keep her expression neutral at this news. She was saved! Her legs felt weak with relief, but she forced herself to keep walking as if nothing had happened.

“You’re to be teleported to the Lunar Colony,” Ulna continued. “You’ll go just outside the station with a blocking ring on, to make sure you don’t go anywhere. The transfer official – in this case, me – will teleport you. If you don’t let me into your mind, they’ll drug you and do it by force. But that won’t matter, because your blocking ring will be faulty. As soon as you step outside, you’re free to go.”

Could it really be that simple? It almost sounded too good to be true.

They reached the processing chamber, and Ulna fell silent. It was a small room with the scanning equipment, a desk, and a few chairs. Behind the desk sat the processing official.

“Just stand right here, please, and we’ll make this short and easy,” he said, guiding Verona to a taped-off square on the floor. “It’s just to make sure you’re in good health, and you aren’t trying to sneak something past us.

He adjusted the scanning equipment and pressed the button to start the scan. It came up clean on all counts.

“Looks like you’re good to go,” he said. He scrawled something on a piece of paper and gave it to Ulna. “If you both could just sign here.”

Ulna signed the paper, then unlocked the handcuffs so Verona could sign too.

“That’s it,” the official said. “She’s all yours, Ulna.”

Verona hesitated. She had to ask. “Is there somebody here to see me go?”

“No,” Ulna said, looking puzzled. “Were you expecting someone?”

Verona tried to tell herself that it didn’t matter, but it did. Losing Analia had been the worst part out of everything that had happened.

“Not really,” she said. “But I was hoping.”

Ulna fit the faulty blocker on Verona, and they were ready to go.

A few minutes later, Verona stepped outside for the first time in three weeks. She had held her breath as Ulna opened the door, hoping she was right and the blocker would do nothing.

The weight of the blocking field lifted from her mind. Nothing replaced it. She was free!

“It worked?” Ulna asked. Verona nodded, closing her eyes and finding the doors in her head with no trouble.

“Good!” Ulna said, unlocking Verona’s handcuffs. “Now, I’ll just teleport to the Lunar Colony, and it’ll seem to everyone as if you disappeared in transit because your blocker was faulty.”

Verona saw a problem. “Um, Ulna, I’ve never been off-planet. I have nowhere to go. Anywhere I teleport, I’ll have to go through customs. They’ll catch me for sure.”

“Don’t worry, we planned for that,” Ulna said. “Just around the corner is another Absolutionist. She can take you to one of our headquarters. We are officially extending you an invitation to join us. We’ll protect you, keep you out of prison, and in return you’ll help us. If not, you can be on your way – we won’t try to stop you, as long as you don’t betray us. But you have to make the decision quickly, or they’ll start wondering what’s taking so long.”

Verona’s heart lept. An opportunity to join the Absolutes! Normally, she wouldn’t have taken the offer – it was too risky. But it wasn’t like she had anything to lose.

“Of course I’ll join you. Thank you so much for everything. I’ll help in any way possible.”

Ulna smiled, the first affectionate emotion Verona had seen from her. “I’m glad to hear it. Now you’d better hurry. Nirvana be with you.”

“And you,” Verona said, stepping away. Ulna closed her eyes for a second, then vanished. Verona watched the space where her savior had vanished for a moment, then turned and ran around the corner into a small alley. And there, waiting for her, stood Lani.


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Fri Oct 23, 2015 8:56 pm
erilea wrote a review...



It's Artemis28, yet again! I think you seriously want to kick me out of Young Writers Society by now. Well, sorry for bothering you. But it's your fault for writing so good. :D

Okay, time for the review! I originally thought that this was somewhere in the future, but... wait... 1478?! When did that happen? Did you mean 2478, or what? 'Cause I'm really confused. Are they on a separate planet and their time is different or something?

"“Verona Sheif, transfer to Lunar Penal Colony, effective the thirty-fifth day of the eighth month of the year 1478."

Yay! Lani's back! That's really awesome, how you put Lani as the other Absolutionist. Everything was really well thought out, and I like it! Verona has a really good character development in this one, and you're doing an amazing job with all events and emotions. You've certainly earned my respect. :)

-Artemis28




Mea says...


This is a futuristic society, but it is not Earth. They have a different dating system. Right now, they're measuring from the year Shaping and teleporting were discovered. When that happened, they were closer to our level of technology, but the discovery through everyone into chaos and set them back a bit. It's been 1478 years since then. . ;)



erilea says...


Oh... thanks for the clarification! You might want to mention that.



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Sun Aug 30, 2015 8:09 pm
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Wolfi wrote a review...



Happy Review Day!!!

I know I'm never going to catch up if I start reviewing from the beginning, so I read through your other chapters so I can save this one from the Green Room! I might go back to review some of them in a later time, but for now I'm hoping to just get one good-sized review finished for you today.

This is so plot-twisty so far, mannn! I really wasn't expecting Verona to be such a "bad girl" and get herself in prison for twenty years. She seemed too smart for that. Too good. Based on how others acted around her, especially her teacher, she seemed intelligent and calm. So when she actually lunged at Murrin's heart with a sharpened bread knife I gasped out loud. I was sure she would chicken out and forget about killing the poor guy, especially when she sees that he has three kids and a dead twin. Ha! No way! She'll take that as all the more reason to try and kill him, thank you very much! And look where it's gotten her: membership into the Absolutionists! (Didn't you call them the Arbitrators before, though?)

You've stressed that Analia is the more forgiving of the twins, but does that really mean that Verona is that unforgiving? I don't really know, but I just think that the Verona I know from the first two chapters isn't the same girl at all anymore. It doesn't seem that realistic that she could be angry enough to do something as stupid as getting herself locked up in prison for twenty years. There's very little foundation to a personality like this. She's a well-liked student who trusts in Nirvana and is striving to perfect her skills in shaping things. Her mother dies, so what does she do? Angrily try to kill the accidental murderer? No, that doesn't make sense! I think you need to thread in some more background in the earlier chapters. Is she prone to passionate fits of anger? Was she known for tearing the wings off of butterflies as a little girl?

I want to talk about this Murrin guy, too. I can't really tell for sure at this point whether he's innocent or guilty, but I have my assumptions. I'm mostly under the impression that we've been viewing the whole thing through the film of Verona's anger, making the guy's verdict seem pitifully meager and unfair, and his plead of innocence outlandishly fake. Analia's comparatively passive view on the ruling tells me that there is no film over her eyes, and that she sees that what Murrin did was purely an accident. When Verona visits his house, there isn't really anything malicious I can see about the guy. He seems nice and apologetic, he's a father, and he's grieved because his twin is dead. But again, these things seem to hardly pass through Verona's film of anger, and she only absorbs the one bad thing: this guy killed my mother. This guy must die.

So now I don't really know what to think of Verona, but because she's the MC I'm naturally on her side and I was happy to hear that she's getting out of prison and joining the underground group of Justice makers. I like what Carlito said, though - she seems to get out of prison with pretty much zero difficulty. A few slip-ups here and there would add to the suspense.

But your suspense has been plentiful so far, I'll say! There's been so much action and plot-twisting, keeping me glued to my computer screen. You've done an excellent job showing us all the technology advances of this world without going too in-depth or dropping any tedious info-dumps. With several different examples throughout the chapters, I've learned that everyone has a "twin:" someone who isn't necessarily similar to you but acts as your best friend and a very close sibling. It's a comforting idea; I like it.

That's all I got! From now on I'll try to review your chapters closer to when they actually come out, so I don't get so behind. You LMS people just write too darn fast! (And you write too darn well.)

Keep it up, Youandnovels! :)




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Tue Aug 25, 2015 2:18 pm
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Carlito wrote a review...



Hello! :)

General thoughts.
I think this chapter moved a little fast and there was a big jump in time. I liked the fear and the suspense at the beginning of her being in this jail cell and not really knowing what's going to happen next. I think it could be really powerful if you put in a chapter before this one showing when she gets her sentence and showing her meeting with Absolutists. That way we could feel the worry and the despair that she's feeling right alongside her. Then you could start this chapter with her rescue.

I also found it a little odd that the Absolutists originally told her that it could take a year for them to get her out and then bam freedom in a few days. I also found it a little surprising that the escape (so far) has gone completely without a hitch. (I kind of don't want the whole thing to be pulled off perfectly. I kind of want there to be some set-backs and things not going according to plan and near misses and stuff. Think about how exciting Harry Potter 7 is to read because literally all of their plans fail but they're edge-of-your-seat exciting.)

I liked the sort of cliffhanger ending here with the return (of sorts) of Lani! Even though we haven't technically met her, I remember her from the very first part and the fun suspense she brought. This ending sort of reminded me of the last Harry Potter book when they're in the Hogs Head trying to get into Hogwarts and Neville comes through the painting to help them. (I die every time I read that because Neville<3). But anyway, I thought this had a similar flair :)

(PS - I really love Harry Potter :p)

Specific thoughts.

Verona awoke when the lights flickered on. They were supposed to be dim, but after the night’s darkness, any light was blinding.

This goes into what I was saying before about maybe this chapter isn't starting in the right place. I was sort of confused when I started because I didn't know where she was. I remembered that at the end of the last chapter she was arrested, but that's it. I don't know where she is or how long she's been there and I get more confused as I go because I find out two weeks have passed and I missed all of that.

I will live my lifetime over again, but this time in a cell. My price for failure.

I looooove this. Beautiful.

Suddenly, Verona heard a rattling at the door.

You don't need the "suddenly".

Why had her twin refused to see her? Why hadn’t she responded to any of her messages? Could she really be that angry with me?

When did this happen? Goes back to my earlier point about maybe including a chapter before this one that could show all of this stuff. I think it would make me feel for Verona a lot more.

there was even a part of their funds dedicated to helping the “wrongfully accused” escape.

But she wasn't "wrongfully accused". She admitted to a crime that she actually committed.

they could not risk exposing themselves.

How did he not expose himself by entering the jail? Did he disguise himself? Did he say he was someone else? Did he sneak in? (Something else that could be developed more with another chapter) :)

The woman guided Verona out of the cell and down the sterile hallway to the processing chamber. Suddenly, she spoke in an urgent whisper.

I don't like the "suddenly". Part of me wonders if you can combine these two sentences. Otherwise, I would take out the "suddenly" and add a description about what she does when they reach the processing chamber. Something like: "She looked around to see if they were alone and then spoke in an urgent whisper." Something that says more than "suddenly" and gives us a visual.

The weight of the blocking field lifted from her mind. Nothing replaced it. She was free!

I think this could be developed a little more. I think there could be a little more description about when she steps outside, what she sees/feels/hears/etc. and exactly what the blocking field lifting from her mind feels like, more about her thoughts and emotions and what she does when she realizes she's free.

Verona’s heart lept. An opportunity to join the Absolutists! Normally, she wouldn’t have taken the offer – it was too risky. But it wasn’t like she had anything to lose.

I think this could be developed a little more, too.

Overall, the writing was good! I didn't find much to nitpick on :) As always I'm excited to see how this continues! Looking forward to the cool rebel things that will be introduced next. I don't outline before I write - I have a rough idea of what's going to happen and what the big plot points are and then I go for it (and I've successfully written four novels that way). So try not to worry about a lack of idea about what's to come - it'll come :)

Let me know if you have any questions or if anything I said was confusing!





The chains of habits are too light to be felt until they are too heavy to be broken.
— Warren Buffet