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140,571 Literary Works • 673,496 Reviews
I'm in a bit of a rush...so I only looked at the dialogue...
my only comment: you don't need to put asked, said, etc aftereach thing. Over lay it with and action, it's strogner writing (artical in Writer's Digest).
what's stronger:
"you get in this house right now," mary screamed, and slammed the screen door.
or
Mary slammed the screen door and placed her fists on her hips. "You get in this house right now!"