Sky Of Smoke (revised)

[entry deleted by May]

BRVO!!!!! I LUV IT...KEEP ME POSTED ON IDEAS

*SOBS* I JUST TYPED UP LIKE SOOOOOOO MUCH AND IT LOGGED ME OUTTT! *sobs* I'm getting so frustrated with this site because it logs me off at random times and especially when i'm in the middle of something. *mentally stabs YWS*

Okay! starting all over again.... *sob* I love how this has started out. It's jumped right into the plot and keeps moving throught the entire thing. The characters are well-developed and I can tell this will be a great story once you've gotten well into it.

First off, you introduced a whole bunch of characters in the same chapter and in the same short timespan. It gets confusing and tends to make you want to jump to quick descriptions as well. For instance:

Storch was seated at the head of the table, the seat nearest the door. He had slightly green tinted skin and deep sapphire eyes. He was about an average height and had light brown hair. He was nearly 50 years old, but looked no more than 35. His most odd feature was the webbing between every finger.

He was well known in their small town, both for his strength, and his handsomeness. He had dark brown eyes, a slightly jutting chin, and strong cheekbones. He was well built, with tanned skin and muscular arms and legs. Aramber was an excellent swordsman, but studied the arcane way as well. Although he was not as talented in magic as his brother, he would still be a formidable enemy in battle, combining steel with magic.

Rapalin was a young man with hazel eyes, light brown hair, and a small build. Although he was quite tall, Rapalin was very thin, he always had been. He was not as muscular as his brother, but he made up for that with intelligence. His eyes were keen, intelligent, knowing. He had excelled in his magic school, and had been taken in by Jarok for special tutoring. Now, Rapalin was one of the strongest mages in the town, possibly the most powerful. He was quick thinking, but extremely sarcastic, which seemingly always got him into trouble with the town-folk.

“You know how my family lives in Aerpt?” he began, “Well, when my father heard about the siege at Steersville, he and my older brother traveled there, to help. They arrived just in time to enter the city before the gates shut. My brother and father sought refuge in an inn, and stayed in the city for several days, doing what they could to help. Then, one day, the army of Belizer tried to breech the city. A darkness overcame the city, and the citizens looked up in horror to see the sky filled with arrows. My father was among the first dead. No one knows why the followers of Belizer decided to attack the city, but we assume it was because they wanted to prove how strong their army was, for as you know, Steersville is a highly fortified city. They wanted to prove their worth, show that anyone standing in their way will be punished, and those who oppose them will be killed. My brother has just sent word to my mother and I, telling of this. Now, all I seek is revenge for my father’s death.” Dumark’s eyes shone brightly, as though what he had just told Aramber, he had seen with his own eyes. Aramber regarded his friend thoughtfully, then said; “Dumark, my siblings, myself, and a friend are traveling to Steersville, to see if we can help. We need all the help we can get. You may come along, if revenge is what you seek.”

The balls of red energy spun faster still. Then, Rapalin altered their course, making them form letters while spinning. He spelled the word “hello”. Deski giggled. Storch looked at her quizzically, then resumed telling her the story of how he had been banished from his underwater home. Rapalin took this opportunity to spell the word “Oblivious” atop Storch’s head. Deski laughed this time, finally alerting Storch that something was going on right above his head. Rapalin spoke, “Demuslate!” The magic balls of energy disappeared just as Storch looked up. Unfortunately, Storch had caught a glimpse of on of the small energy balls, and rounded on Rapalin angrily.

thanks all! i'll fix those problems as soon as possible. i'm grateful for the suggestions!

It's good so far, but needs a little bit more work, Keep it up though

It's a good story, and think you should keep the names. I agree with Writersdomain sugestions, but it is still a good story.

Hey Dark Magik!

This is a pretty good beginning to your story. Your characters are being developed quite well and coming across clearly; your plot is intriguing. Some good things happening here. There were only a few things I wanted to point out.

- For the most part, your pace is good and steady, but when you get to the Aramber/Dumark conversation where Dumark tells his little story, your pace suddenly lurches forward and that part seems very abrupt. I think you can do more with that scene to make it fit better.

- When Storch tells Aramber, Rapalin and Deski about Steersville, they really don't seem all that panicked. Maybe that is just their personalities, but I feel that part was very emotionally detached. You say that Deski gasped and such, but still, I didn't feel her surprise or her worry.

- When Deski goes into that tangent about how she pledged herself to Belizer and how she would have to choose between Steersville and Belizer, it also seemed a little sudden. I would think she would show some suspicious signs when she first hears of it and I also don't think you should give away so much of her predicament so early; I think it would be fascinating to have that unravel throughout the journey. Your decision, though.

A searing light blasted through the crack under the door. Even through the tiny space, the light was blinding. Deski shut her eyes and hurriedly turned away.

“No trust in your own siblings? What a shame.” He commented, a mischievous look in his eyes. Deski smiled a completely innocent smile and said, “How could I trust you when just moments ago you hurled me into a wall!”

“He says he has news of Steersville. He didn’t say anything of the temple, but looked very grim when I talked to him,” Deski said. Aramber looked at Deski, and got up from his seat. He turned to look at Deski, “You coming, or not?” he asked, and walked out the door. Deski, not wanting to miss anything important, hurried after.

Deski caught up with Aramber just as he walked into the kitchen. She was not surprised to see her younger brother, Rapalin, sitting at the table, seemingly lost in his thoughts, for as they walked in, he didn’t look up. Storch was seated at the head of the table, the seat nearest the door. He had slightly green tinted skin and deep sapphire eyes. He was about an average height and had light brown hair. He was nearly 50 years old, but looked no more than 35. His most odd feature was the webbing between every finger.

“You know, it just might work,” Aramber commented. Storch had told the siblings of his daring plan. At first, they seemed dubious, but after a few adjustments, they had begun to like it more and more, with the exception of Rapalin, who said it was blasphemy, and had gone off to his master’s home to gather supplies for the journey.

The door flew open, scaring Lumious away to wherever her roost wad.

Jarok’s house was small, with a comfortable living with a warm fireplace that was almost constantly lit.

Rapalin looked around the house, and noticed nothing new or out of the ordinary. Not unusual, his master being one who values his things almost as much as his magic, and doesn’t like to spend his money on things he already has.

“Must’ve been a slip of my tongue, and I just didn’t notice,” Rapalin thought, and thought no more of the matter

“What am I doing? Am I attacking my own people, or helping my hometown? The army that surrounds Steersville are followers of my god, but Steersville is my home. What do I do?” Deski began to sob softly, trying to stifle her sobs so not to bring her brothers calling. She was not worried about them seeing her cry, but she did not want the questions that would surely come, especially from Rapalin. “No, I will go with my brothers, keep them out of trouble, and I will make up my mind on the way. If I decide to stay with my brothers, so be it. But if I decide to go and help the followers of Belizer, then it will be Belizer’s will, and I will not be the one to question it.”


With that resolved, Deski felt better, and began to pack up her things.

Aramber was walking to Dumark’s home, when, suddenly he was attacked. A mob of laughing children bombarded him, begging for the 33 year old to come and play. Aramber smiled at them and told them he could not. The sad children began to walk off when they spotted another promising playmate, and gladly ran over to her. With the children gone, Aramber set off once again for Dumarks’.

Dumark looked surprised at this and looked to see if his friend was joking. Seeing Aramber’s serious face, Dumark smiled and told him he would gladly accompany him and his siblings to Steersville.

Rapalin was a young man with hazel eyes, light brown hair, and a small build. Although he was quite tall, Rapalin was very thin, he always had been. He was not as muscular as his brother, but he made up for that with intelligence. His eyes were keen, intelligent, knowing. He had excelled in his magic school, and had been taken in by Jarok for special tutoring. Now, Rapalin was one of the strongest mages in the town, possibly the most powerful. He was quick thinking, but extremely sarcastic, which seemingly always got him into trouble with the town-folk. The only people who Rapalin got along with, as far as Aramber was concerned, was Jarok and another villager, Vibel. Vibel was another magic-user, and had been a classmate with Rapalin before he had been taken under Jarok’s wing. He had been Rapalin’s only friend in the strict school, and when Rapalin had been taken away, Vibel had tried to get his friend to quit Mage School and run away with him. Rapalin had been young then, only 10 years old, but he declined the offer. Vibel and Rapalin were still very good friends, and Aramber wondered why Rapalin did not ask him to come with them. Then he remembered, Vibel was one of the town’s best healers, and could not leave for any more time than to pick herbs and collect ingredients for his potions and salves.

Storch, still not noticing what was amiss, continued to talk idly with Deski, who was staring at him with a hint of amusement in her dark brown eyes, which was apparently was lost on the stern minded Storch.