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140,571 Literary Works • 673,487 Reviews
Hey Ariel.
I would like to start off by saying that I did not like this. It didn't leave me with much of an impression so it was medicore at best. The reason behind this is that you didn't establish a firm enough base and as a result, I, the reader couldn't relate to the piece.
Firstly, scenes jump all over the place. There is little to no transition between scenes and so I had a hard time figuring out as to what it is happening. Not only that, but you made little effort with describing the scenes and I struggled to picture what is happening. You tried to remedy this by telling to us what is happening but it is boring to read and I just simply skimmed through those bits.
Secondly, characters were bland and flat. There is nothing that really seperates them apart. They were simply used as mere puppets in your plot, nothing else. You can just replace the names of the characters with letters of the alphabet and it would still work with the plot. You want to have memorable characters. Characters that will be in the reader's mind for a period of time or even a life time. You need to characterize your characters while keeping the story moving. You have them doing all these typical actions which have little substance in them. They do not link well with the plot and I do not see the relevance to it.
Thirdly, you told way too much. This links back to the other two points that I've made. Basically said, show more of what is happening, don't tell us. If you just tell us, not only is it boring, but the reader couldn't really care less, for there is nothing that we can relate the info dumps and telling to. That is another reason why characters are lacking and the scenes so sudden in change.
That's all I have to say.
Alright. I edited it AGAIN, and so now It runs a bit more smoothly and it has more descriptions. I have chapters two and three up...chapter four soon to come (hopefully). So...yeah! If you still see something wrong or if you feel something needs to be fixed just say so and I'll consider it!
Ooh, it's about time for some good fantasy. *begins to read*
Just a nitpick, but could you explain Kira's appearance more? Hair color, face features, dress...just a bit more than just eye color.
Warning: I nitpick. Anyway, "two" should be "too" and maybe, just maybe, you could put a period after "Kira"? "Ask her" is a new sentence unto itself, as you portray it here, so put a period after Kira. If it's one sentence Rapalin is speaking, then the comma should stay but "ask" should be lowercased.
Is he angry already? He doesn't even know what's going on. Use "irritating look" or something to that effect, rather.
I don't recall such a quote. Did Deski really tell Aramber that Kira brought bad news? He should just be as clueless, but he could be suspicious about what's going on.
This and the whole paragraph (I didn't feel like pasting the whole paragraph here.) You definitely sped through Kira's plans that I, the reader, had a hard time comprehending what was happening. Have Aramber and Deski react somehow to this and ask questions. This will make the reader understand better and not have to reread the paragraph a few times to know what's going on.
Interestingly phrased...it's very good, but that comma after "fear" was a big BAM kind of dealio to my grammar alert.
"...he saw a flicker of anger, uncertainty, fear--he couldn't quite make it out--pass through his brother's mirror-like eyes."
Just an example of how to work this a different way.
"an," not "a"
Oops! Forgot the apostrophe in "masters"
Again, I would like to know what Jarok looks like. I like his next statement, which gives me an idea of his character, but I don't know how to picture him.
Ooh! Nicely put!
You already said "her hometown" so you don't need "the place she called home." However, if you replace "her hometown" with "Steersville" then it would give the effect you're looking for.
Ahh, the semicolon...such a cool, useful little guy, ain't he? However, you don't need semicolons as you used them here. You can just use commas, 'cause you're listing everything. Semicolons join to relating sentences. Does "of becoming so poor they would have to live in the streets" stand alone as a sentence to itself? If not, then no semicolon. Just a comma will do.
Handsomeness? I don't much like that word, to be perfectly honest, when it comes to writing. In real life, I'd definitely use the word.
The plan's a he? XD "it," not "he"
Is "recruiting" a proper noun and deserves capitalization? If so, explanation could certainly come in to use.
It's probably a typo, which I completely understand. You need a comma after "get," not a period.
Who's he that will be turned into a frog? Try this: "...he, Aramber, would probably..."
Oops! "cease," not "crease"
'Tis an exclamation, not a question.
Lol! Rapalin reminds me so much of a certain mage!
Pretty much, descriptions need work. I didn't know Kira was an elf 'til two thirds into the story. Also, a nice little picture of Rapalin's staff would be nice, especially if it's a special one.
That little trick at the end was very, VERY good. It showed Rapalin's character so well. I can't wait for more! Any questions, PM me or I'm available in the chatroom.
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
Thanks. You were right on all of those. I'll fix them right away.
~DM
Very interesting so far! I'll make sure to keep an eye out for the next chapters. I saw just two typos. Sorry if I'm being a pain, but you used "two" instead of "too" in one of your sentances.
“I don’t know. She would not tell me. She says you have to hear this two,” Rapalin said, gesturing to Kira, ”Ask her.”
The other one might not be a typo. Maybe you meant to do it? >< But below you say, 'She says he has'. Is the 'he' suppose to be 'she'? If not, I was confused on who it was...
“She says he has news of Steersville, but she didn’t say anything about the temple."
One last thing. You said that Aramber looked at his sister twice within two sentences. Maybe you could reword it so he only does it once? It just seems that twice so quickly is too many.
Aramber looked at his sister, and got up from his seat. He turned to look at her, “You coming, or not?” he asked, and walked out the door. Deski, not wanting to miss anything important, hurried after.
Other than that, like I said, very interesting. ^^ I enjoy the characters you've come up with, I look forward to seeing more of them.
Hey Ariel!
I like the story so far. It sounds like Harry Potter combined with Lord of the Rings. Which I guess is a good thing.
I think you could use a little more description. The character interplay was really good. I really like the characters of the 3 siblings. I think you should have explained a little more on how they got somehow seperated from their hometown. I hope you'll do that later!
good job!
Can't wait to read the next part!
~Timea
Hah! I loved the magic over kira's head. Brilliant.
It was good, I saw no mistakes grammer and spelling wise. Possibly the only thing that could be improved would be the jumpiness- it cuts from scene to scene rather abruptly, which is fine, as long as the paragraphs end well. Some of these feel unfinished, like there should have been more.
But, as the story goes, it's great! A family I wouldn't want to cross....
keep writing! I'll keep an eye out for the next bits.