Young Writers Society

Hello

I’ll be writing the crit as I read. General crit (not spelling and grammar, argh) at the end


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i typed this up cuz i wuz bored one afternoon. anyway...here ya go! … not the story itself, but still. That kind of scared me off at first.


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He grabbed him by the shoulder and spun him violently to face him.
The last part, (after ‘and) seems a bit awkward, no? Or that may just be me.

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The guards hand fell limply to his side as he stared after the young man in bewildered amazement.
Guards=Guard’s

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He saw, to his astonishment, the master rise and bow to the young man!
My suggestion is to get rid of the exclamation mark, but your choice, really.

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Directly behind the desk was a window where a crescent moon glowed brightly, in all its arced splendor.
Comma after ‘window’, delete the one after ‘brightly’

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Rich tapestries hung from each wall, displaying various scenes. None were related, but all held some importance.
My suggestion (and suggestion only) is to merge these two together. Though normally I wouldn’t bother (I mean, short sentences are good ) I’m writing this because it slows down the reading.

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His hands traced a dragon.
you have ‘tracing’ up there

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The young man had dark, intelligent eyes, sandy hair, and was quite muscular, despite his scholarly looks.
Ooh, so we finally have a description of him And you use ‘young man; a lot here.

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“A beautiful piece of artwork, if I do say so myself. I have always been quite fond of it” then, “Forgive me. My name is Bulion. I have been expecting you, Nekara.”
Make peace with the interpunction up there.


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She was flying in the air, along with many other dragons of light; silver, gold, bronze, and the occasional brass.
Hm… The last are colors, yes? Then I think they belong to the sentence before. If not, then sorry But still, the semicolon there is irking me.

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We need the human’s help. If we cannot gain your kinds trust all will be lost.
Make peace with apostrophes No need (first), need (second: kinds). Also, a bit down, (same dialogue) you have ‘he said’ again. You have that a bit up, an there is no need of reapting it.

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A dragon.
Nice one XD

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Then Nekara spoke, “Well, now. That would take all the fun out of it, wouldn’t it?”Nice one again, but press enter

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My parents, along with many other good dragons were killed.
Comma after ‘dragons’

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“Oops. Sorry.” >.< The ‘oops’ ruined the effect.

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He had forgotten how fun these creatures could be.
Lol.

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“Move.” he commanded.
Comma not period.

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Unfortunately, both Bulion and Neraka had forgotten about the guard just outside… So did I!

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As the guard stood watch outside Bulion’s study he stayed completely alert while many priests and other people in the temple passed by.
Comma fter ‘study’/ And I don’t know.. This sentence sounds awkward. Maybe the woridng is bad, somehow?

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He was near 40 now,
Type it out.

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The guard started awake.
Don’t get the sentence.

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What do you propose, after all, he is under your command,” Neraka said.
There should be a question mark up there somewhere. But where? Also, this is one chunk of a paragraph… Press enter when someone else tarts speaking.

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which in fact; he was.
?

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“At the least, a few months,” Neraka replied.
No comma (first). And chop the paragraph up

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He sat and made idle conversation with Bulion until the young servant came back with the food.
Comma before ‘until’

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Well, yup, there went one afternoon! Lol, what do u think?
You…



As was said, it was long, but being and enjoyable piece, it read quickly. I do, though, have a few comments.


-> At the start, you use ‘young man’ all the time. Later we know ‘Nekara’s’ name, but at first…

-> The master does not behave as a master. Well, obviously, I do not know how masters in that particular world behave, but still. ‘Master’ sounds pretty important, and he wouldn’t have eyes full of fear now, would he? OR shouldn’t. Or maybe should.


Characters:

Nekara: Nekara is well-devised, and is my favorite character. Well, him being a dragon has something to do with it

Bulion: The master matter, up.

The guard: He seems the least believable, though not entirely, of course. I’m talking about the beginning here, because later (at the end) it is good.


Anyway, I enjoyed it. The afternoon was not a waste Keep up the good work!

-Elein

it was sharp and you translated your point well - but try connecting the sentences togethar , like at the start , you could of saidf " but the young man pushed past him any way
"
and try putting moree full stops.

i liked it well.

Okay, its a bit long but I got through it! Whoo!

I love the names too, Nekara, Bulion

But I cant really critique fantasy fiction since I cant really tolerate it. But I made an effort, isnt that what counts?