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140,571 Literary Works • 673,487 Reviews
Thanks! i'll change those problems immediatly.
I like it, and I can't wait to read more. I particularly liked the bit where Aramber is playing with his magic tricks, and the prejudice against the half-merman, perhaps because of his race, makes the siblings seem less than perfect and much more believable. i'd continue that, it's really good to have character flaws in your heroes, and that one is so far nice and subtle.
I thought the dialogue needed some work. It was as if you couldn't decide between everyday-talk and old-fashioned, fantasy talk. Pick a dialect and stick to it. It would be a good idea to make it match the words you're going to use in the narrative, too; for instance, if you were going to include spaceships in the story, words like 'thee' and 'thine' would seem out of place. Some places where the dialogue wasn't flush with the story:
If he says "So what does he want?", he should say "about" instead of "of" in the next bit.
Sounds pretentious and silly in context with the rest of the paragraph, y'know?
The "only" should come after the "him", or else it should be changed to "just" or some other word (if I'm getting your meaning correctly).
Keep writing, I'd love to read more of this. It's very good.
- Sophie
Moved to Fantasy Fiction
Hey Dark Magik.
If you want comments or reviews, so to speak, of your work, you'll want them in the Litary Forums. The Writing Corner is for speaking about your work. ^_^
Hey that's pretty good, and you're only 11. Shoot my cousin is 11 and all he does is sit around and watch Spongebob.