III
bone-deep inarticulacy. lines in my palm carve a lust for lost.
found jesus flashing red letters above doors of corner liquor stores.
youth in cities; open my jacket (clubs, parties) and wild heart fell out.
and there were girls. breath and shaky hands.
i was never comfortable in the dark. never easy all;
alone.
fond home in comfort creatures – ache, abandon, hope.
a country boy without his prayer. rolled cigarettes wishing tobacco.
rolled eyes wishing sleep. rolled sleeves wishing…wishing…wishing.
wandering. squinted eyes for hazy dreams,
the sadness which led me up blood and red dawn.
squinting for soul deep in the night, which did not have it.
gambled on snakes and eyes, which did not see me...
time did not shine for I grew old from failure to failure.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,827 Reviews
I am here to respond to your review request. Curiously enough I have never read anything of yours. I don't know if you usually write like this so correct me if I am wrong.
Capitalization: Most things in here need to be capitalized. It is weird seeing so many words lower case to me. This may be intentional. This makes the piece different.
Parentheses: I am pretty sure those don't need to be there. If you are unsure of it then put commas or don't put in there at all. No need to bring confusion to something most likely unimportant
Semicolon: Semicolons are used for two sentences, not a sentence and a word.
Sentences?: You have periods after single words. If I am mistaken single words are not actually whole sentences. Instead they are incomplete.
This is good in a sense. I may seem, well, harsh but what is a review if it is buttered up and concealing? I hope this will help you with future writing!
~lost
Hi there Maximilia,
My name is Graham and I am going to be doing a quick review for you.
So I would like to start off by saying that this a very good foundations to start a solid work from,it just needs to be tweaked. Mostly my issues lie within the category of grammar and spelling. For starters after a period the first word of a sentence should be capitalized.
In the line "youth in cities; open my jacket (clubs, parties) and wild heart fell out." I am a little confused as to why the parentheses are there since they aren't necessary and in order for the sentence to grammatically make sense i would have to be "a wild heart."
The line "and there were girls. breath and shaky hands." again capitalization would be cool but also the second sentence is incomplete and seems kind of random to me.
The line "i was never comfortable in the dark. never easy all; alone." has the improper use of a semi-colon, in order for a semi colon to work the two sentences have to be somewhat linked, in your case I think the semi-colon is splitting up the sentence which doesn't make sense and "never easy all" isn't a complete sentence to start.
In the next line "fond home in comfort creatures – ache, abandon, hope." I believe "fond" should be "Found" and I am assuming that it should be, in which case this is my favorite line because the dash puts extra emphasis on "ache, abandon, hope." Also the use of asyndeton after the dash is very effective.
I think stopping with my review here will help you get the point. The base for your poem is very good but it kind of seems lie you just thew it together and didn't really care about whether or not it made sense or had spelling/grammar errors.
I apologize if this review seemed harsh but hopefully it will help you develop this piece into a thorough and well thought out piece! As a;ways, right on my friend, write on!
Cheers!
Graham