The Darla Wenzel Complex

"Oh my total God," I thought to myself, as I stared across the room at a mysterious man. "Who is that stud bucket?!" 

It was the first day back to I.M. High after a long hot summer filled with sex and drugs. My friends and I partied until we lost most of our IQ points. If you hadn't guessed already, I'm a pretty happening bitch around these parts. After I get out of this dump of a school, I plan on becoming a model. Long blonde hair, massive breasts, juicy thighs, and a slim waist...you guessed it, losers, I'm one sexy Lolita--but that's not my name. My name is Darla Wenzel, and my Daddy is the owner of The Wenzelhouse: AKA, the coolest casino within like...forever. 

Anyway, back to this delicious man beast in my Spanish class. His skin was the colour of hot chocolate, as appose to cold chocolate, and his eyes were like gold macadamias. Nuts...I dare not go there...but I totally would! 

"Carlos Confetti?" The teacher, Ms. Marigold, was taking attendance. My soon to be lover put up his hand. So his name was Carlos. How...exotic. I'd call him my Daddy any day. If Daddy was watching, I'd call him Mommy. Male. Female. As long as there was something floppy between the legs, I was good. 

"Miss Wenzel? The answer, please." 

"What?" I totally wasn't paying attention. Miss Marigold rolled her eyes. She had the most atrocious fashion sense. Her hair looked like a pirate attempted to knit a bird's nest and her clothes looked like something Tarzan constructed. I tried to tell her this in espanol, but my brain was too distracted by Carlos' masculinity. 

"Sinorita ne taco boom boom mi Carlos!" Shit! I covered my mouth as soon as the words were out. 

"Excuse me?!" Ms. Marigold's over done eyes became two little black slits. Damn, she looked like a demonic hippy. I could sense the other kids laughing behind their Spanish textbooks. I flipped my honey scented blonde hair and smiled beautifully. My Daddy always told me that you could say anything and get away with it if you were pretty. The laughing immediately turned to gasping, as my classmates witnessed my classic, 'innocent hot girl' routine. I bit my glossy lips.

"Sorry, Ms. Marigold. I've been a little distracted lately. I didn't mean any of what I just said." I glanced seductively over at Carlos and winked. He seemed...indifferent? No. He was shocked--shocked by my elegance. 

Ms. Marigold crossed her arms and glanced from Carlos to me. I could tell she was jealous. Someone as ratchet as her would never in a million years have a chance with a gem like Carlos. 

"I'm really not in the mood today, Miss Wenzel. If you'd like to kindly pack your things and leave this class, that would be great." Wow. Rude. What a total bitch. I took my sweet time packing my stuff. Spanish class was a drag. The longer I took, the longer the class would be delayed. Besides, slow and steady was sexy. I stuck my ass out dramatically as I retrieved the text book from the inside of my desk. I was wearing a particularly short skirt, so everyone could see my Victoria Secret panties when I bent over. Every guy--and even some girls--loved my mini skirt collection. I groaned a little when I pushed in my chair and ran my manicured fingers through my luscious blonde mane. Phew. I was getting turned on by my own performance! As I cat walked between the row of desks to the door, the crowd flushed red like sea of roses. Damn, I was good. I couldn't wait to hear what people would say about me after the fact. 'That Darla is smoking hot!' 'I wish I was as classy and suave as her!'  I could already hear the purr of their affections. 

I spent the remainder of the period outside the school, smoking a pack of the finest cigarettes. I was a bad bitch. No one dared mess with Darla Wenzel. As I gazed past the sun in my designer sunglasses, I could see a group of my rebel ex boyfriends headed my way. Gross. 

"Hey, D." It was Shay Dildo. He had one extra tattoo since the last time I'd seen him, which was yesterday. 

"What the hell do you want?" I said, blowing a smoke ring in his face. 

"Don't be like that, Babe," he cried. Ugh, what a baby. Some guys just couldn't get over me. I showed him the aesthetic of my middle finger and flicked the lipstick stained remainder of my cigarette at him. He laughed viciously. As soon as he started laughing, the others joined in. Dane Hooligan, Jeorge Deran, and Douglas Fischer. I hated them all. They were like clones of each other: tanned skater boys with too many tattoos and matching dicks. I spat at their feet and walked calmly back through the doors of the school. I made sure to exaggerate the swing of my hips. That was me, a tease. Ain't no way they were getting this ass.

At the lunch table, I ogled my appearance in the reflection of my phone, while my groupies tried to make themselves feel better about their plain appearances by dishing out false complements.

"Beatrice, please! You've got the hottest bod and the plumpest lips. Nobody cares about your freckles. Besides, that's what concealer is for, am I right, ladies?!"  Anne was such a whore. I once walked in on her and Mr. Twinkie getting fresh with his twinkie. Some people doubted his ability to teach biology. After witnessing the happenstance between him and Anne, there was no doubt in my mind: that man knew biology. I even taped it and made a few bucks off of it on the streets. I know. I sound dirty. But, whatever, Anne had it coming. Besides, that bitch would do anything to get her turn in the spotlight. She practically thanked me when she found out. 

"So, Darla, I heard you got kicked out of Spanish. What did you do this time?" Bonnie was always so nosy. Literally. She had the most ridiculous nose. I think she got punched in the face by her dad or something. 

I shrugged in response to her question. "I just told Ms. Marigold she looked like a nazi clown from Jamaica. I did her a favor, really. Maybe now she'll finally class up her look and lose her virginity." 

I grinned as my girls erupted into a fit of giggling. I was totally hilarious. 

"You're so bad, Darla!" Beatrice exclaimed. Again, I shrugged, nonchalantly. Bitches be bitchin.' 

After finishing my non existent lunch, I headed toward my third period class, math. Ew. The classroom smelt like tuna and the teacher was a greasy old Asian man with a beard that looked more like pubic hair than facial hair. Everyone in that class needed a shower. I sat beside the grossest kid of all, Mylan Burpie. His skin was so pale it reminded me of a dead shark. He even smelled like a dead shark. His hair was a disheveled ginger mess and his eyes were shady and hidden behind the biggest pair of glasses I'd ever seen. The kid was apparently some weird genius. Ha! More like an autistic retard. Just because someone was odd looking and sat in the corner of the class scribbling down nonsense, didn't mean he was a genius. He probably lived with his grandma and sold Crocs for a living. Every test he got back was 100%. Big deal. He probably used his giant ass glasses to cheat off of someone half way across the room. Either that or he was one of those crazy computer nerds who knew how to hack into the school's data base and steal test answers. 

I was settled into my seat and ready for a miserable hour of algebra, when Carlos walked into the room. He was transferred into my math class! If that wasn't a sign we were meant to be together, I don't know what was. I beckoned for him to sit next to me. Push the hobo nerd out of his chair and sit next to me! Instead he sat next to Mylan: AKA hobo nerd. The so-called genius was sandwiched between me and my soul mate. I could feel my insides melt as he winked over in my direction. I played it cool, of course, and rolled my eyes. He'd have to do a lot more than twitch his eye if he wanted this pussy.

By the end of the class, I was raging with hormones. I wanted Carlos in me right here, right now. But I had to play it cool. There was nothing sexy about desperation. On my way out the door, I pretended to bump into him. 

"Whoops!" I giggled. "I'm so sorry!" His textbooks tumbled from his arms and thumped noisily to the ground. 

"Don't worry about it," he said. God, his accent was hot. I bent over, exposing my large breasts. I helped him gather up his books and mentally congratulated myself for making him flush. I could make any guy my slave. All it took was a low cut shirt and a killer smile. Everything was going according to plan, until Mylan Burpie walked by.

"What's occurred here?" He adjusted his glasses. 

"None of your business!" I spat. No one got in the way of me and my Carlos. 

"Wow!" Carlos gingerly touched my arm. "Darla, right?" I nodded. He was about to ask me out, I could feel it. "It's nice to meet you." He took my hand and gave it a shake. I bit my lip; he was being a true gentleman--not like all the other douche bags I'd been with. There was no doubt in my mind, he was the one for me. 

Mylan cleared his throat--the sound was like a burping frog. Ugh, he was such a loser. 

"Carlos, we're going to be late for social sciences."  Carlos removed his hand from mine and did the unthinkable...he put his arm around Mylan! Carlos?! My Carlos?! What happened next made me want to hurl. He...kissed Mylan on the cheek! 

OH MY FREAKING GOD! The two of them were...A COUPLE!? No way! I had to be delusional. 

"Wait!" I chased after them. The two of them spun around simultaneously. "Are--are you guys..."

Mylan huffed, "I believe the word you're looking for is homosexual." I was aghast. I tried to close my gaping mouth, but it wouldn't budge. I pinched myself. This was a nightmare. It had to be. "Common', Carlos. This chick obviously doesn't understand us." Mylan took Carlos by the hand--BY THE HAND--and pulled him further and further down the hallway. 

For the first time in my life I felt heartbroken. My Carlos would rather date a math geek loser than ME?!  What did that make me?! Sweet baby Jesus! That wink he'd given me in class...was for...Mylan?! 

My world was crashing down around me. Darla Wenzel was a happening bitch. No one turned up the opportunity to date Darla Wenzel. I dropped my school books and slouched against a wall until my ass was in contact with the dirty high school floors. What the hell. What the actual hell. 

The End