z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

I Can't Sleep

by MargoSeuss


I require copious amounts of chloroform; I can't sleep, you see. I blot out the world with the lids of my eyes, but my world fails to dissipate.

 I think, 'what if clothing stores had a drive thru?'  Men wouldn't have to go through the pain and strain of shopping. Oh, the agony! They could simply drive up to a speaker and say, 'I'll take a medium pants with boxers.'  

And, my God, would pubescent boys ever be inspired to move from their gaming systems and get a job. They'd be killing each other to take the clothing orders of young well endowed women. 'A large bustier, please.'  Bow-chicka-wow-wow!

BELT would fail to be an acronym. And for those who require a BELT for their extra small pants, you can upgrade to a medium by consuming more BELTs. 

Great. Now I want a BELT. I always get so hungry at night; thirsty, too. This becomes a problem because, as it so happens, I am the proud owner of a bladder. Every so often--and by every so often I mean so often that I haven't ample time to fall asleep--I stumble out to a hole so I may fill it's void with urine. At least the hole isn't empty...like my stomach. Looks like it'll be another night of dry toast, fake butter, and dehydrated cheese bricks...

Oh well. Everything is not well, but, oh well. 

When I wake up ( somewhere in the late afternoon, I presume) I will likely find a source of water, so that I may wash the stale night sweat from my face. Night sweat is a dewy sort of bodily fluid. It leaks out your eyes and dries around your lips and even greases your hair and pores. I find myself washing my face so often parts of it start to flake off. That is what moisturizer is for, I guess. If only it didn't cost as much as it cost. It really does cost to be comfortable. 

Maybe that is why I fail to sleep...because I can't afford to be comfortable. At least I have this blanket to coat the hardness of the park bench. This, at the very least, I have.

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2631 Reviews

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Tue Jun 21, 2016 6:54 am
Rydia wrote a review...



Hello! So I've had a bit of sleep trouble myself, though more in the lucid dreaming department than Insomnia but let's take a look at this...

Specifics

1. The first sentence feels a bit abrupt and in one sense I like that but I think the second sentence would be much more powerful if it followed something longer. Perhaps something like 'I require copious amounts of chloroform to put me under. I can't sleep, you see.' I'd maybe suggest rewording the second line to 'For sleep, I mean'.

2. Love the next part - it's a great illustration of the weird and wonderful thoughts which occur to us when we're low on sleep and it made me smile.

3.

BELT would fail to be an acronym.
I don't understand this part. Belt isn't an acronym or at least not a commonly known one? Do you mean it wouldn't be used as one?

4. Okay so I don't know what a BELT is but that could be a cultural difference and I take it it's something you eat.

5. Lovely twist at the end! You've dropped enough hints throughout that it has a really nice kick when you realise he's hungry and thirsty (and has no money) because he lives on the street. The only part I question is the shower - is it meant to mean a rain shower? It's very difficult for someone who's homeless to get a shower every day. Many of the studies on it say that not being clean is one of the toughest parts. Other than that, everything fits with the end revelation.

Overall

I like it. I think there's a decent bit of shock factor without it being preachy and it's a clever piece of writing. I wouldn't mind seeing a little more of it - maybe another crazy idea that this guy has while trying to sleep or maybe even a few sly descriptions of his 'room' or about staring at the sky. We'll assume his bed is near the window and then that will be one more thing to hit home at the revelation.

Anyway, nice job.

All the best,
Heather




MargoSeuss says...


BELT= bacon, egg, lettuce, tomato. Thanks for your suggestions. I appreciate your review.



Rydia says...


Oh so like a BLT but with egg instead, I see! And no prob :)



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Sun Jun 19, 2016 1:31 am
Bluecat wrote a review...



Hi! I'm just going to give a quick review for your piece.

Right off the bat, I see the main character/story-teller as being very interesting. The reader learns enough to conclude that the character is most likely homeless, however is left to guess the character's age, gender, ect. I especially liked how even though the character is homeless, he/she thinks about things in more depth than one would normally do. I liked how despite the character's life, they don't complain about it, and the poem is not just a cliche, depressing one. Going along with the sleep problem theme, I could feel the character's thoughts jump from one to another, each one being unique and abstract. My favorite thought was the one about BELTs. It really shows how the character's mind is racing.
One thing that I noticed was that since the character is so focused in on their thoughts, the reader does not get to discover out the character's surroundings and senses. This goes back to my original thought, saying that a certain amount of elements are hidden from the reader and left for the imagination.
One thing I think you could take out is the first (and possibly second) sentence. I don't believe you mention chloroform later, so it wouldn't hurt to take it out. That leads to the second sentence, which kind of sounds like the main character talking to the reader, as they say, "you see." But then you switch to the main character talking to himself/herself. I think deleting "you see" would help out the flow, (not that it was a big problem, though.)
I think you have a very good piece of literature here. I was just wondering, is this a poem? A short story? Whichever it is, I am impressed by all of the hidden details you put in. Keep up the good work!





The adjective should reinvent the noun.
— Leslie Norris