the chicks flock
to the edges of their
metal prison.
as the warden’s daughter
watches miniature claws hook
onto the twisted metal,
she marvels at the beauty
of the distant relatives
of her former jailbirds.
she thinks of the cold winter prison
she once ran atop the hill.
the cold nipping at her cheeks
and the numbness in her toes
made her celebrate its closing
before spring's first thaw.
grabbing a piece of grass
from the lawn
her former captives
will never again see,
she listens to the
chorus of chirps.
the chicks cluster
at the edges of their cell
and eagerly steal
her peace offering
when she sticks
it through the fence.
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Canary word: Present
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125,028 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
(Psst Mage, would you consider posting this wonderful poem under the chickens genre?) <3 still love this one!
i can absolutely do that !!! got to do my part to make the chicken category permanent
Thank you!
:
Wow, this is a dark poem using a really silly theme. Wonderful!
Poems about jails are soo expressive! I have read a lot of them, my mother shares my passion and bought a ton of books about poems written in prison and of course she gave me some to read, but that was ages ago. I didn't think I would find one here.
Your poem is nicely defined. I mean I love how you set the space and built the rest from there. I can feel that you created 2 realms: the god realm, where the girl lives in, and the mortal realm, the chicken prison. This poem main motif could very well be the condition of a mortal being in opposition to the grandness of gods.
Very well done, loved every bit of it
Thank you for your review!
I'm glad that you enjoyed my poem - and I really like your take on it. I hadn't thought of the separation of the girl
who may or may not be meand the chickens like the separation of gods & mortals, but I like it enough that I want to write a sequel poem with it.Hey there, @Magebird! It's Vilnius, here to review your work!
)
First and foremost, thank you for contributing to the ever-growing number of chicken-related poems on the site! I've had fun clucking-- I mean, chortling at all of the humorous and entertaining poems. Not one has been fowl! (See what I've done here? clucking? Fowl?
Second off, I love how you compared the captured chickens to "jailbirds," using a common derogatory term to describe the average, mindless, very edible, tasty, and scrumptious bird...
I may have eaten some before reading this poem...My only critique here regards the grammatical treatment (or lack thereof). Personally, I think this poem would look and read better if there was either no grammatical attention whatsoever (in this case, just removing punctuation), or buffed up to the top-notch tier of grammar (in this case, adding punctuation). Maybe not helpful writing-wise, but hopefully helpful for it to be visually appealing!
Have a nice [*insert time of day here*], and good luck with #RevMo !
Thank you for your review! I'm not sure if I'll ever revise this poem, but I'll definitely try throwing a little more capitalization & punctuation into it to see how it looks.