z

Young Writers Society



i listen to my dreams

by Mageheart


i listen to my dreams

in the spring of junior year
i dreamed i was in a
countryside village.
a boy raced me through
its mostly empty streets
and the woods that
lay beyond.

he showed me
the village's
secret treasures,
but i found a girl
with fire in her eyes
on my own.

the three of us
spent a summer
ignoring the love
that was blossoming
in heaving chests
and in smiles that
were frequently
interrupted
by our endless
laughter.

it wasn't until
the summer festival
that i realized
i didn't just want
to be friends
with the girl who
made me feel awake
even when asleep.

we kissed underneath
the stars beside
the old, abandoned
water wheel and shack.
everyone was too busy
watching the fireworks
to wonder where we were.

two years later,
i've forgotten what
made me love
the boy, but
i still wonder
if i'll someday kiss
a girl under the moonlight
in a town no one
can find
on any map.


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561 Reviews


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Sat Jul 18, 2020 7:13 pm
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Atticus wrote a review...



Hi there Mage!

I'll admit I was hesitant to review this, because this is clearly a very personal piece and I know how words of feedback may be communicated harshly or received the wrong way and then do more harm than good. However, I decided to tentatively share my suggestions with you and allow you to do with them as you wish.

First, there's a lot of beauty and an almost magical feeling to this poem. I love the way it communicates a really tentative first love, a first love that you're not sure will work but you can't deny the feelings any longer so you just have to do something with them. It was a relatable feeling that you expressed very well. I also loved the progression of the plot -- you were able to tell a story, emotional climax and all, in very few words, which I respect a ton.

However, I wonder if this could be better told in a different format. If there were no tags or labels on this poem and the lines hadn't been separated this way, it wouldn't look like traditional poetry. It'd be incredibly hypocritical for me to gatekeep what you can and cannot label as poetry, so please don't think that's my intention; I am just questioning whether this concept can be better expressed as prose.

Honestly, I think this is kind of on the cusp of prose and poetry. Poetry is difficult, if not impossible, to define, but there are some characteristic traits that this poem is missing. There's no rhyme, no traditional syllabication line length, and few instances of metaphor, simile, analogy, personification, etc. I think these emotions would be better and more powerfully expressed if you changed mediums from poetry to prose and spell out this story through figurative-language-packed prose.

Otherwise, the sentiment and some of these lines were beautifully written and a powerful expression of love! I hope that these suggestions were helpful and gave you ideas for potential overhauls, if that's an idea you're interested in pursuing. As always, I'd be happy to answer any questions you may have about this. Happy writing!

Best,
Tuck




Mageheart says...


Hi, Tuck! This reply is definitely on the late side, but I really wanted to reply to your review and realized I never did. I completely understood what you mean about my poetry coming across as prose - I've noticed the same thing, and I've definitely gotten reviews mentioning the same thing in the past.

Apparently, you can't ever escape the influences of being a prose writer. :P

I'd love to follow through on your suggestions someday, but your review also makes me want to write this as a short story - which I really should have thought of before I wrote this poem, but at least I have a story written down now!

Thank you so much for your review. <3



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Sat Jul 18, 2020 2:06 am
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Riverlight wrote a review...



Bravo!

Hey there, Magebird! It's Vilnius with a review.

First off, this is an interesting way to describe your non-heterosexual-ness (made up word, I know).

Second off, I really liked this poem! It told the story in a really neat way, and there's a lot of emotion I personally felt bottled up in this.

Occasionally, poems give me a hankering to write a full-fledged story. If you ever want to co-write something or expand on this poem, hit me up, will ya?

Have a nice [*insert time of day here*]!




Mageheart says...


Hi there, @Vilnius! This is definitely a late reply to your review, but I love replying to reviews instead of leaving the reviewer hanging. I'm really glad you liked this poem, and I'll definitely hit you up if I decide to make it longer! <3




Perhaps the real rickroll was the friends we made along the way
— GengarIsBestBoy