The story so far: Quinn makes a deal with a demon named Azazel - who has somehow been forced into a robotic body. Three years later, Quinn is a runaway and Azazel is going by the name Issac. The two of them are traveling the country in search of the people who made Issac the way he is now, but run into a little roadblock when their newest (and best) lead is killed by a hunter.
Chapter 2
Back before all of this, Quinn hadn't ever been on public transportation. The TV shows she had binged in the family theater had let her imagine what a school bus looked like past its yellow exterior. Regular airport planes were like private jets with more people and seats; catching a taxi or an Uber was a much more casual version of getting chauffeured by the staff.
Three years later, public transportation was all that she traveled on. Issac and her had taken buses a lot, lately, but had taken a train a little over a month ago when they were going from Maine to Georgia. Quinn liked to rank the different buses they had been on in her head – even though she would always love the way the landscape blurred outside a train window more.
The bus they were on now wasn't anything special. Its seats weren't especially comfortable, but it was thankfully emptier than most buses were. She didn't exactly mind the people. Issac was the one who wasn't really human, but he knew how people ticked more than she did. She just always felt like she was trying to catch up on sixteen years of being hidden away from her parents. Even with just a handful of people scattered throughout the seats, Quinn was painfully reminded of that fact. Everyone else here seemed to blend in with the backdrop of the bus.
There was an elderly woman with a small child in a seat towards the front of the bus. They were talking too too softly for Quinn to make any of the conversation, but the little boy seemed excited about what it was. Quinn quickly looked away from the exchange; she must have been his grandma. She tried to remember the couple that had been sitting a few seats behind her instead. They were just a few years older than Quinn was, but they seemed so much more mature. Maybe it was the sophisticated way that the woman dressed, or maybe it was the way that man talked about his salary. Quinn hadn't ever had one of those, either.
When she was tired of thinking of them, she sneaked a glance over at the man in the seat across the row from them. He had a small suitcase propped up on the seat next to him, but he didn't seem to carry as it wobbled from the movement of the bus. He was much more absorbed by whatever music he was listening to. His right foot kept tapping the ground, and his pointer finger tapped the side of his headphones as he stared at the window. The song must have been a good one.
Quinn looked back over at Issac.
Even Issac fit in better than she did here. He was reading a worn copy of Dante's Inferno. It had been a week since he had bought in a used bookstore, but she still did a double-take every time she saw him reading it.
“Is that real?” she softly asked.
Issac looked up from the book. “What part?”
“All of it,” she asked. She made sure to keep her voice quiet; she didn't want the other bus passengers to hear what they were talking about. “You've never really told me about Hell. You changed the conversation every time I've asked you about it.”
Issac dog-eared the page he was on.
“I've only been there a few times,” he admitted, closing the book. “I can't say anything about how it is organized, but sinners generally don't end up there.”
Quinn stared. That didn't make any sense! She hadn't been to church in a few years, but she was pretty sure the reason Hell was a thing was to punish sinners. What else would it be used for? “But isn't that the point of Hell?”
Issac shook his head.
Resting the book on his lap, he gave her his rendition of an amused look – his lips curled up ever so slightly at the sides, and his eyes glowed ever so softly. The expression was barely warm, but Quinn knew the intent behind it. It made her feel a little less guilty about being so clueless. “Hell is just a home for demons. It also functions as one of the three places we can spawn from, but rarely anyone appears in Hell these days.”
“So you're not from there?” she asked.
Issac nodded.
“I first appeared on Earth,” he said. “It was...a long time ago. Earth demons rarely interacted with those that resided in Hell at the time; I spent most of my time interacting with the humans I encountered while traveling.”
He glanced down at the book.
“Things have certainly changed now,” he admitted, “but Earth is more of a home to me than Hell ever will be.”
Quinn gave a hesitant nod. She wasn't sure she entirely understood what he was talking about, but she was familiar with not feeling at home in a place that was supposed to be hers. She wondered if the halls of Hell – if Hell even had those – felt just as big and empty to Issac as the halls of her old house had felt to her.
She looked out the window and watched as they passed underneath a bridge, gaze lingering on the colorful graffiti covering the concrete support beams.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,028 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
Hi, Magebird! I love the more reflective mood of this chapter. It's a good change-up from the previous plot-centric one and helps me understand your characters better. I also like the new worldbuilding details that have been revealed here; coming up with an original 'origin story' for demons instead of using conventional interpretations is really neat.
1.Character-wise, I feel we learn a lot about Quinn this chapter, in addition to Issac's feelings about Earth v.s. Hell. The "family theater" paragraph is a nice callback to her social class and background and putting that in there makes her seem resilient, as it shows how far she's come in adjusting to a very different life. It would be interesting to know what she may have struggled with in those three years.
I also like the contrast between "rank the different buses" and "love the way the landscape blurred". It seems to parallel the beginning of the first chapter, which also featured Quinn's thoughts on her surroundings, but shows two sides of her: maybe the more logical, meticulous side who ranks buses and the emotional side who likes to look out of train windows.
The phrase "sixteen years of being hidden away from her parents" confused me a bit, though. Did you perhaps mean hidden away 'by' her parents?
2. In terms of dialogue, I like that Quinn keeps her voice "quiet" trying to ask Issac about Hell. It's a nice touch of realism and normalcy that helps ground the supernatural aspects. Issac suddenly talking about 'sinners' though (even though Quinn doesn't mention it explicitly in her question) came across as a bit abrupt to me at first, until I remembered what Dante's Inferno shows Hell to be like, haha.
3. Somehow the setting feels more fleshed out in this chapter than in previous ones, which I really like. With the mention of the Uber and of specific place names, I could locate it much more easily in the context of modern-day USA. The "colorful graffiti" at the end is such a lovely setting detail. I can immediately tell what kind of place they're in, and I can appreciate the focus on the 'cheap motel' setting from the previous settings more now.
Overall, I love this chapter part. I find that the characters and situation both become more believable and real to me the further I read into this, which is really cool.
Cheers!
Liminality
Thank you for your review!
Thanks! I've been trying to figure out how I can show her family history through showing instead of telling, as well avoid making her family seem too stereotypical when it comes to their social class. I'm glad that it works well!
(And now that you mention it, I really do need to explore her transition to this current life more!)
I did. ^^"
I really need to edit that line.Thanks! I really wanted to make the story come alive. This series is also based very loosely on the Supernatural TV show, and one of my biggest frustrations with it was that it never really depicted by own experiences with traveling around the country.
I could write a whole essay on how it's a shame that they never stop at one of the state rest areas when.
Thank you again for your review!
Hi Mage!
I am slowly trying to get through your novel, sorry for my snail like pace. So the very first paragraph made me realize something about Quinn's family life. I believe she belonged to a very wealthy one considering the fact that she talked about 'family theater', 'private jets' and 'getting chauffeured by staff'. I mean clearly she had access to all this and that's why she never bothered to take a public transport. This also makes me wonder about her personal issues that she had with her family. It does happen in such a rich family that people prefer businesses that brings more money rather than fields like study or research that just involves hard work and relatively less money. I mean we do know that Quinn's got a good hand in robotics. Anyways, that's just my vague theories.
I loved all the little travel details that you put in this chapter, the way Quinn was analyzing everyone around her in the bus. I like such kind of stuffs because it makes me feel that I am seeing and visualizing things from POV of the MC.
Okay so the moment I read this line, my Dante's book was kept right in front of my eyes
I like how she draws similarities between her life and possibly what Issac's life had been. I feel her character is really caring and empathetic in nature, that's what makes her very likable to me
Great work!
Keep writing
Thank you for the review! I completely understand the slow pace - I'm in a similar boat right now with some of the novels I really need to be reading. >>
I'm glad you picked up on her wealth! I really wanted to write a character who was a little more well-off but on a younger side, so Quinn ended up getting a rich family. I'm still figuring out all of the reasons she ran away, but that's one that I hadn't considered.
I'll definitely be throwing that in now, though!
I've actually never read it, so I know who to ask for advice from if the plot actually comes up in this book.
Thanks! It's what makes me love her, too. Quinn's not entirely a self-insert character, but I tried to give her some of my personality - and I know I can come off as a lot more passive. I feel like I don't usually see characters like me, so I really wanted to try doing that with Quinn.
'Isaac and her had..' - I think it should be 'Her and Isaac'
'She just always felt like she was trying to catch up on sixteen years of being hidden away from her parents.' - Hidden away from her parents, or hidden away with her parents? From what I can remember, wasn't she running away from her parents in the prologue?
'“So you're not from there?” she asked.
Issac nodded.' - to me, this exchange sounds like he's nodding to say 'yes, I am from there', rather than 'yes, that's correct.' He should be shaking his head as if to say, 'no, I'm not'.
That's it for this chapter as not much has really happened plot-wise so I can't really comment.
Onto the next part!
Thank you for the review!
I know you mentioned that nothing happened plot-wise, but is there anything that intrigued you in this chapter?
This chapter may or may not have had a healthy dose of foreshadowing in it.OK, I'm super late to this. So sorry! I meant to get around to this one over the weekend but real life got in the way. *shakes fist* curse you, adult responsibilities!
Anyway, ahem. Here I am to review
Oh, she's definitely gonna be more likeable now!
I'd remove the first comma in this sentence.
Ranking the buses how? Cleanliness, speed, just favourite journey? I'm not quite sure what you mean here.
I like all the thoughts you have in here, but maybe some rearranging would make them flow better?
I love the little snippets into other people's lives that you've given here. It really helps round out the little corner of Quinn and Issac's world that we're reading about.
Ooh, a twist!
I'm not really a fan of exclamations in anything other than speech. Personal choice though!
Love this description.
A slightly slower section here, but I really enjoyed the building on Issac's character and the little peek into Quinn's backstory! Sorry it took me so long, but can't wait for the rest <3
Icy
Thank you for your review! I meant to reply to it sooner, but I kept forgetting to do it when I finally had a chance.
It was mostly just on how much she liked the bus, but I'll definitely elaborate more in the second draft! I thought it would be fun if she ranked the buses, but I didn't put a lot of thought into how she did when I was writing this chapter - so it's great getting that feedback.
Sounds good to me!
I was actually doubting putting that exclamation point there - I wasn't sure if it would break the flow of the chapter, but I also wanted to capture Quinn's shock. I'll probably take it out when revising.
Thanks! I'm glad you liked it. And don't worry about taking awhile to review - it happens to the best of us.
Hiii back to review!!
Your posts keep on reminding me or else I wouldn't be here, tbh.
Alright, sooo this chapter was great and I didn't really notice any nitpicks. The only thing I did notice was the "sixteen years of being hidden away from my parents / the world" thing but, hmm, not much else.
There wasn't much going on this part of chapter two but we did get insight on tid bits of Quinn's past in a not-so-boring way, so that was great. I especially liked the paragraphs where the grandma+boy, the couple, and the guy listening to music in and the way Quinn kept comparing...
wut
Where do the sinners go then? Heaven? >.>
eXactLy
Ohhh. Okay okay. If this is all there is behind 'Hell', why did Issac always always change the subject? He's hiding something. I know it. The dude's hiding something.
So Earth demons are a thing. Are there Sky demons and Heaven demons and Other Planets demons or nah?
She's comparing again - but ahh this is a neat comparison. Lonely souls uniting! (Okay I'm not sure if they really are lonely but they seem lonely other than having each other for now sooo yeah)
My favorite moment when I'm on a train <3
So! Great chapter, I don't have much else to say but yay this is out of the Green Room! I'll get to the next chapter asap. Hope this review helped in some sorta way. Lemme know if you have any questions~
Keep on writing!
~Liberty
Thank you for your review! I didn't get a chance to reply to it yesterday, but I couldn't stop smiling after I read it.
You're the first person to ask that question.Also, since this might be a spoiler if I ever cover it in a future book:
Spoiler
In that moment, Quinn was all of us.
>>
>>
They're not lonely now, but they were definitely both lonely before! It's part of why I love writing the two of them so much - they have a really cute friendship.
Ahaha yes they do have an adorable friendship!!
Hello Mage!
Chapter 2.1 gives us some good insight into Quinn's past. You managed to convey a lot of information about her without making the prose boring, or seeming like you're info-dumping. Only after I finished reading did I realized that I now know a lot of specific things about her. That's awesome!
In terms of grammar, I didn't catch any errors. But there was this one sentence:
I could still be missing something. But I think you meant to write "sixteen years of being hidden away from the world" or something of the sort here. It kind of confused me and took me out of the story for a minute.
I think you're really good at writing facial expressions. They are always so direct and vivid. Specially, with Isaac. He actually reminds me a lot of Rami Malek. Perfect casting?
Also, I liked that he was reading Dante's Inferno. But it was made better by the revelation that hell has nothing to do with punishment. Why was Issac reading the book then? Maybe he just likes poetry... and Dante. Or maybe he reads it ironically, amused at how wrong we are.
That's the review. Have a good day and keep on writing.
Excelsior!
~MAS
Thank you for your review!
I did mean that! Thank you for catching that typo. <3
Spoiler
Thank you! One of Issac's problems is that he can't really do expressions thanks to being stuck in a robot, so I've been trying to figure out how I can still make him a character that clearly displays his emotions. Have Quinn translate little facial quirks seems to work really well.
Also, I almost never imagine what my characters would look like as actual people, but I think I just decided what my dream cast for Issac is if this book ever becomes a movie. >>
I like to think that because Issac is so gosh darn old, he probably read it when it first came out and has a weird kind of nostalgia for it. He also just enjoys the story.
Whoops - did a spoiler instead of a quote!
Thank you again for your review, by the way. <3
You're welcome, Mage!
I like this explanation better!
Also, just realized I keep misspelling his name. :p
Yay! More chapters!!!
You have no idea how happy I was to see that my work already got a like and a comment on it. <3 Thank you for reading it so quickly!
Of course! I logged in at just the right time. <3