Chapter 1
Three Years Later
Quinn stared up at the motel room's faded white ceiling. She had wanted to stay somewhere a little nicer, but the only good hotel for miles was reserved for those with thousands of dollars to splurge on a weekend getaway. Issac and her had a lot of money when they pooled together their resources, but both of them knew it would be a waste to spend on something as insignificant as a hotel room.
The paint was peeling right above her. If she stood on her bed and reached as high as she could, she could possibly pull it off. She wondered how far she'd be able to peel it back before the fragile connection between the piece of paint and the ceiling was severed – and if anyone would actually notice the missing chip.
She wouldn't ever dare to actually do it. She'd feel guilty about it for weeks, even when they were halfway across the country and the rest of the motel's questionable room was a distant memory. It was just the kind of thing that she thought about when she bored.
The door suddenly clicked.
Quinn immediately sat up, an alert glint to her green eyes. Issac was back. It was impossible to tell how successful his inquiry had been, but...
She crossed her fingers behind her back as she got to her feet.
The door opened.
Quinn scanned Issac's face as he took several solemn steps into the room. It was always hard to read his expressions, but Quinn had been trying even harder than before lately. His lips weren't turned up at the corners like they were whenever he was trying to give a smile; his dark brown eyes lacked the light they usually had. And there was something in the way that he closed the door behind him – how he glanced out in the hallway and made sure to use both the regular lock and the deadbolt – that made him come across as much more cautious than usual.
Quinn's face fell.
“You weren't able to find him,” she guessed.
Issac didn't say anything.
He just went over to nearest bed – Quinn's – and sat down on the very edge of it, staring at his hands as he held them in his lap. He must have gotten some of the red ink on his hands when he was signing them into the motel. She just hadn't realized it was possible to get pen stains underneath fingernails.
After a moment passed, Quinn sat down beside him.
“I found him,” Issac said, his voice low and monotone.
Quinn frowned. “You weren't able to get a meeting with him?”
Issac shook his head.
“I wasn't, at first,” he said. “He was supposedly booked for the next few weeks, but I know the tactics. His secretary knew he wouldn't want to meet with a man she didn't even recognize. I slipped in through the back doors instead.”
She sat up a little. “...And?”
Issac let out a heavy sigh. It dissolved into static for a few seconds at the very end; she would have to fix that later. “I found him alone in his office.”
“I...I don't get it,” Quinn admitted. “If you found him alone, then wouldn't you have been able to talk to him?”
Issac stared down at his hands again.
“Someone else met with him first.”
Quinn couldn't understand, at first. Or maybe the better way to describe it was that she didn't want to understand. Issac had a tendency to speak in cliches, rather he knew it or not. And it was the kind of cliché comment she had seen on the crime show she had been watching on the room's old TV when Issac left to meet with the man. Her gaze fell down to Issac's hands again. When she saw the little flecks of red underneath his fingers, a wave of nausea overcame her. The truth had finally clicked.
“He's dead?” she asked. He nodded. “But he-he was the only one you could find from the lab. Without him, we...we don't have any way of finding out who summoned you into...”
She fell silent.
She didn't need to say anymore. She was sure Issac had been thinking about that the entire way back from the office building that Jean Sullivan worked in – had worked in. Jean was their first lead in more than a year. Without him, they were back at square one. And even though he was somehow responsible for what had happened to Issac three years before, she hadn't ever wished for him to be murdered.
“How...How did he die?”
“He was shot in the head,” Issac said, his voice detached. “There was a bloody bullet placed on his desk. I doubt anyone in the building heard him get shot. The workers in the other rooms on the floor were all on lunch break, and the offices right beside his had been cleared out a long time ago.”
Quinn dug her fingers into the palms of her hands as she tried to fight the new wave of nausea. A selfish part of her was grateful that she had let Issac go alone; the other part hated how he had to deal with the sight of a dead man by himself. “We need to check the news again,” she said. “We need to see if you recognize any other faces-”
“We're not doing this together anymore.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,028 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
Hi! I read the other half of the chapter before reviewing (just to make sure I wouldn't ask anything answered in the next chapter!), but I'll just put my comments on this half here.
As with the prologue, the prose is quite polished in terms of punctuation. I get the sense that three years have passed in Quinn and Issac's friendship, given their more familiar interactions. The flow of this scene is really good; the pace is neither too fast nor too slow.
1. I like how Quinn is described observing Issac a lot. It makes their friendship seem to have progressed on her side, but also makes Issac seem like a mysterious and closed-off character who's hard to pin down (which kind of explains why Quinn comes across as a bit naive still about his world in Chapter 1.2).
2. Her ruminations on the "missing chip" of paint interest me a lot! I can't help but feel it is symbolic of something, maybe her running away at the beginning . . .
3. On the second read, I was able to catch more hints of what happened in those three years. "she would have to fix that" is the main thing that helped link Issac to Azazel for me; I was admittedly confused about the name change at first and went to scan through the prologue to see if I'd gotten the name wrong, haha.
To contrast, "pen stains underneath fingernails" was easy for me to catch. Quinn's right, you - don't - typically get pen stains under your fingernails! It's just the right amount of foreshadowing for something revealed within the same conversation.
4. I love that I could picture clearly how the characters were moving around the motel room!
"The paint was peeling right above her." -- > This line really helps establish the small space and that she's lying down on the bed.
"She crossed her fingers behind her back as she got to her feet." --> While crossing her fingers to me seems a bit cartoonish of a gesture (maybe a cultural thing? I'm not sure), it definitely helps convey the emotion of anticipation/ anxiety at that point in the scene. Maybe sucking in a breath or wiping sweat off her hands would be a more discreet alternative?
". . . Quinn sat down beside him." --> Sentences like this, where the characters move about, help keep the scene from becoming too static, even though the main event that happens here is a conversation.
Overall, I quite like how this story is going. As most openings are, it's a bit more explanatory, focusing on setting up the conflict and what's happening. However, I like that the characters' emotions and personalities are portrayed consistently, because they seem to be the main focus of the tale.
Cheers,
Liminality
Thank you for your review!
Thank you! That's very much the kind of character Issac is, so I'm happy that he comes across that way.
I don't remember the exact symbolism I had in the mind when I wrote this chapter, but there was definitely symbolism involved!
Yeah, that's something I really need to change in the second draft. ^^"
Issac started going by Issac to be more ~sneaky~ but I completely failed to include it. By the time I realized I needed to say it, I was too far into the chapter and wasn't sure how to naturally slide it in.
That sounds like a good idea to me!
I'm glad that worked! That's the reason I have them move so much while talking - I'm always worried that conversations end up becoming too static when I'm writing them, but I also know I need those conversations to happen.
Thank you again for your review! I'm glad that you're enjoying my book so far.
Hi Mage!
Sorry I am very late. Okay, so for the first chapter I think you did a nice job in building some suspense for the readers and arousing some curiosity of what's happening. Especially in contrast to what happened in the prologue where we got a little glimpse of that humanoid. The first chapter takes us three years ahead and now we see a new character Issac. But as I was going further in the chapter I was getting a feeling that Issac is Azazel? Wel I hope am not wrong?
I like the starting how you were describing the mood of Quinn, how she was lost in her thoughts and wondering about stuffs like worn out ceiling paint. Then all of sudden her thoughts are interrupted by Issac.
The part where you said Quinn had to fix that later, I realised Isaac is definitely a humanoid. So the later part had some good suspense. Especially where Quinn admits that Jean was the responsible for something that happened with Issac. I am really curious to find out what's actually happening here
I will continue to read your chapters but I may take some time till I reach your latest chapters. This has been really good so far.
Keep writing
Thank you for your review! I'm sorry for taking so long to reply to it. <3
You're right! I really to explain it from the very start of this chapter, but I didn't realize I needed that explanation until I already had the chapter up. ^^"
Thanks!
I'm glad you're intrigued! I hope the next chapters are just as interesting to you.
Hello Mage,
I finally have time to review this, so let's go!
At first, I had no idea who Issac was. I was waiting for Azazel to come in, but it finally clicked that he was Isaac. Not only did the static sigh and the summoning give it away, but Azazel wouldn't call himself by his real name. *Pats self on back*
That sentence is fine, except I would replace the dash with something else. It doesn't look right. Maybe...
It makes more sense.
Delete "just." It doesn't belong there.
*Gasps* Cliffhanger! That's a good ending!
Great first chapter! I know I'm only on the second part, but I love reading this.
Athena
Thank you for your review!
I'm glad you were able to figure it out! When I initially wrote the chapter, I couldn't figure out how to work in that reveal - and by the time I realized I needed to say that it was Azazel, I was too far into the chapter. Would it have been better for me to clarify it from the start?
It definitely does! Thank you for the suggestion - I'll definitely be using it.
makes note for the second draft
Thank you! I'm glad that you're enjoying it.
Hey! I reviewed your prologue a while back and I saw another chapter of yours in the green room so I thought I'd carry on where I left off.
I won't do any nit-picking with sentence structure and whatnot as you've got two good reviews about that already. So I'll just give you my thoughts.
At first, I was confused when you were describing Isaac's smile - it seemed very odd, but then when you mentioned that his sigh sounded like static at the end I remembered he was a robot. Nicely done with that! You didn't need to over explain, and I read the prologue a bit ago and still was like 'oooh yeah' and it clicked.
I will just say, with the sentence 'Quinn immediately sat up, an alert glint to her green eyes', you need to be aware of where the POV is. To me, this sounds like third person limited, so the reader is basically seeing everything as if through a camera on Quinn's shoulder - meaning the reader wouldn't catch the 'alert glint in her green eyes'. You can easily fix this by referring to her feeling alert instead.
Hope this helps
Thank you for the review!
I'm glad that the smile part made sense after you read the static part! I was worried that it wouldn't be clear who Issac was because I had him go by Azazel in the prologue, but it looks like I didn't need to worry too much about that when posting this to YWS.
And thanks for the help with the POV!
Maaaaage helloooo
What was that about Quinn fixing the static in Isaac's voice? I bet she made him. Like a robot. And he's a spy robot who does stuff for her. Or, he's just a robot helper who looks a lot like a human and acts a lot like one as well. *looks at "his dark brown eyes lacked the light they usually had" line because that is a very human thing for a robot*
This is probably my first review in centuries, so excuse me as I review + oil some parts of my reviewing gear.
Icy already mentioned all the nitpicky stuff and whatnot, so I won't go into that. And I agree with what they said about the blood stains/red ink/mud - ink is much lighter and blood is much darker, so yep, mud would work much better there.
Or maybe the red ink was blood in the pen.
No jk that's disgusting.
And anyways, how would the ink have gotten in Isaac's nails?
AnYWays
For this maybe you could take away the first "worked in" and the dash as well so then it'd be something like "...that Jean Sullivan had worked in." Y'know?
Anyways, this was fun to read and it was fun to review!! I'm super glad you're very excited to write this because I really want to continue reading this because, man, the ~suspense~.
Can I admit that when you first talked about Azazel in the prologue, I actually thought of Akol, and then Quinn came in, and I thought of Audrey, and now Isaac, and now I'm thinking of Will even though there's a fat chance that Isaac is a human. xDHope this review helped in some way.
Keep on writing!
~Liberty
Thank you for your review! It's fun reading all of your theories, and I definitely appreciate your advice.
Also (because I somehow forgot to reply to this part of your review) I love the comparisons you're drawing between your characters and mine! The moment I saw you liked the prologue I was like "oh hey we're writing similar stories now! and got really excited.
Ooh I have so many questions! Often I find that a prologue can be seemingly arbitrary, but it serves such a great purpose here. Without it, you wouldn't have such a strong hook to the beginning of this chapter, so it works really well.
Who's Issac? What happened to robodemon? She's obviously not back home so did he fulfil his bargain? Or did he disappear and she needs to find him? See, so many questions!
Interesting insight into her character here, I like it.
This kind of ruins it for me. You build up her character with the last two sentences, but I feel like this doesn't fit as well, personally!
I get that this is presumably supposed to be blood, but is she really that dim? Red pen stains a lot brighter than blood which is often more of a brown colour but I think it's quite distinct. Maybe she could think it was mud or something instead?
Wait, what? Oh now I'm intruiged!
Think this should be 'whether he knew it or not'.
I can't quite work out what you're saying in this sentence, could you rephrase?
Such a good cliffhanger!
So I think I gave my overall thoughts at the beginning of this chapter, but I'm definitely heading over to read the next section now. You've posed a good amount of questions with this first part and I'm looking forward to getting some answers.
Hope this was helpful <3
Icy
Thank you so much for your review! I was actually questioning if pen stains were the right comparison or not, so it's great seeing your input on them. Quinn's never really seen blood in the context of what happened before, so I wanted to have her think it was something else. Mud definitely works better.