Future

Ooh, Maddy you have a super interesting story going on in here. I first of all am wondering why you didn't try to turn it into a short story or a novel? It seems like it's the kind of thing you've thought about enough to expand into that kind of prose? You can write lyrical prose, you know -- bring elements of poetry into your narrative.

But as a poem, it doesn't work. This is basically a novel summary, and poetry isn't just shorter because it summarizes but because it usually takes on a comparably smaller amount of material. You're trying to get through an entire narrative in a reasonably-sized poem, and it just won't work. Have you heard of epic poems? They're way different from the poetry I like, but uh, they tell entire narratives. They take pages and pages and pages -- the size of books. Still poetry due to their meter, but they are definitely not this small.

In short, I think you should condense all the explanation here.

I was really drawn in by the first few lines:

As I lay beneath the willow
I rest my head against it, almost as if it was a pillow
The dreams I have there are quite vivid

But I'd like them to be way condensed:

I have vivid dreams when I lay beneath the willow

That gets across absolutely ALL of the material of three lines in one, and it makes room for more of your narrative to be explored in the future. I'd recommend really digging into how this speaker gets her dreams from the willow -- maybe show us a moment from one, and then give us a SCENE (not just a description) of how she tries to tell other people but they don't really believe her, and she slips into rumor, after which she's bitter. It might end with the comet dream and a decision not to tell anyone.

I am too confused about the "she" mentioned in this poem to decide if I want it in a second version. Who is she? Is she supposed to represent the willow, or is there another force at work and the willow is just the medium? Aside from the identity, I'm confused as to what this "she" is telling to the speaker -- she has to tell? Why wouldn't she have said this from the beginning? It seems she comes in after the speaker's already discouraged from not being believed, so the tree has to fight to get her back to confidence and she's stubborn about it.

Does the speaker not have any family to worry about if the world ends?

Hey! I really look forward to the next stop of this, whatever that is. If it's a short story, a novel, another version of the poem, I'd like to read it.

So, good luck with revisions. Please be sure to PM me or leave a wall post if you have any questions or you put up another version. I'm a fan!

Maddy, hey! Here am I, Alf, to give a review! A Kudos Revue, may work best perhaps?

The Future! Ah a beautiful, although common, title! It certainly gave me a good opening impression on the whole poem itself. Also, another thing I liked very much is the honesty of the piece. Everything was told straight from innocence, a narration that exceeds my expectations, dear. I also like the story that you relayed to us. The Future seemed to be a pretty psychological piece that tended to focus much on the enigma of the speaker above the story. This combination will last long in the mind of readers, surely.

I see you also fixed a rhyming scheme, too. This is okay with me, but remember that the best authors use rhyming as effectively as they can. The piece though, encountered a few complications about the rhyming part. Let's see them:

The dreams I have there are quite vivid
Some say I am cursed, I say I am gifted
My dreams tell tales of the future

This is a great section of the piece, but see the second line? It's a great distraction from the rest of the lines. You talked about the dreams first, then fitted in the curse. That would be misleading. Don't get me wrong, that line is good, great in fact. You just need to find somewhere else to place it

She whispers to me with her musical voice
I once told her to go away, but she gave me no choice
She said she needed a prophet
She speaks to me about a bright blue comet

See the second and fourth lines, they're also a bit misled. The first line told of a whisper, yet there was no whisper at all because you told her to get away. This provided an imagery that the woman said she needed a prophet in an alarming tone, not in hush because of that intercession.

There are a lot more of this instances, dear, and I'm getting a bit worried In totus, the problem here are the rhymes. It was as if yo tried to fit in all those lines just to provide a good rhyme, The result though, wasn't all too good since those rhymes tended to lose the story, interceding all those whiles. What you can do is review, my dear. See if you can preserve the story and rhyming scheme at the same time.

Lastly, Maddy (ooh, a half-rhyme!), I would like to share to you something about how you executed your story. Look here:

She took that as a chance to play a game
She messes with my head now and then
Saying that if I don't save her, I'll never see anyone again

An example of something seen in the general flow of the piece, this section, and some more, was very wordy. Unless you're into prose poetry, this technique doesn't work too much. It's really great, but you need to at least try to use figurative language or disarrangement to add some decorations to the piece. See, the taste of people change, and reading about a disturbed mind is tasteless without showing the emotion and the scenario with the two techs I've mentioned above. Also, if you'd like, you can decorate the piece's imagery by describing through adjectives. Give color. Show the story, don't only tell it.

That's all I can say for now. I know this poem would be great, but you just need to take a look-see at those rhymes, okay Good luck!

Kudos:

your pal,
Al