Not Myself

My general impressions: I just didn't feel anything from this poem. The language seemed too overly complicated for a poem like this. I felt as though the words like "unmistakable" and "essence" were far too bulky. The poem started out so simply, but then the language escalated and ruined the simplistic style that you had so marvelously crafted. As the poem progressed, the language became wordier and wordier. I like the simple version of this poem. Be blunt with this time of writing. Keep me posted. Happy Writing!

Hey Maddy,

There's probably going to be a bunch of people that wade in here and tell you that your rhyming is constraining your expression and you should get rid of it.

I disagree with these potential critics. I actually think your rhyming is pretty good in this. It's actually one of the stronger aspects of what is otherwise a fairly ordinary poem. There's a good flow. I would suggest splitting it into four stanzas, though. Otherwise it runs a bit too fast in the middle and loses its power. Here's a suggestion:

I can't help it when I feel down
It's all I can do not to frown.
Keep the pain under lock and key,
But when I'm alone, I let it free.

You wouldn't understand what it's like to feel trapped:
To feel the need to conform yourself, to adapt,
To change your entire essence
And consider a razor your only reference.

When the beast awakens, it's alive,
The more I try to run, the deeper I try to hide.
There's no escaping the unmistakeable tear drops,
My slim thread of sanity withers and rots.

The beast has awakened
And the old me has been taken.