Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,464 Literary Works • 672,570 Reviews
Hi Maddy!
I looked at your other poem called "Not Myself" and now this one, and I think I like this one better! The topic is a bit dark and quite scary, but you've used some beautiful-sounding metaphors.
This is an interesting stanza, because it contains both my least favourite and favourite parts of the poem! My least favourite is the first line of this quoted bit, because it's sliiiightly at the cliche side - "dig deeper", "hidden beauty", and the poem shows that you can definitely do better. My favourite bits were the two lines after that, because the metaphors are very beautiful, if not morbid.
The last stanza is also a bit cliche and I'm not sure if it brings all that much into the poem, at least with those particular wordings. However, it's quite a solid ending to this. I don't think I said anything about the beginning of the poem yet! I think the beginning was stronger than the ending.
Happy writing!
Demeter
x
Hello Maddymayhem,
I really like the language style you've used for this. It's written with very beautiful language and yet at the same time gives, kind of, dark imagery. It's a really interesting contrast and slightly contradictory but it's really effective and keeps you on your toes. I also like the metaphors that you've used throughout this, it again helps strengthen the imagery and gives the poem more of an edge. It also emphasizes your message and makes the themes more clearer to the reader. This also makes it more appealing to a wider range of people and a more varied audience.
It's a really good first attempt at free verse although it still feels kind of restrained. I haven't made many attempts at free verse myself so I can't give much practical advice on how to improve it. My suggestions would be to:
-- Keep practicing so you get used to the style of free verse.
-- Look for flaws after you publish each piece and notate it for the next time you write free verse. Don't be afraid to be critical, it will help you improve.
-- Figure out what you like about other peoples' free verse poems and try to apply that to your own writing.
-- Ask advice from other people and try and use their advice to work out what you're doing wrong.
" A pale canvas,
Marked with a silver tool,
Yet drawing beads of red"
I was going to make a comment about how these should be one stanza, but it appears Shino beat me to it. Apart from that the only other nitpick is that this is lacking a period at the end. Don't forget to use periods at the end of a stanza. It adds a definite note of finality and is also more grammatically correct. As for the language it's really good and is a very strong introduction to the poem. It feels a bit plain though, if you were feeling adventurous maybe you could try using an adjective to describe the colour red, only you can tell us. Is it deep red, crimson, what?!
" Dig deeper to uncover more of its hidden beauty
Watch a waterfall of glory flow
Drift away as its deadly treasure sings you to sleep"
Again, this is very lacking in punctuation, maybe that was your intention but I think it would be better with punctuation. It would at least be more flowing and make more sense to read. Other than that, I really liked this, the metaphors and symbolism make it really dark and elusive and it's very powerful which I assume was the kind of impact and effect you were hoping to get.
" Falling deeper and deeper
Into an eternal abyss of black
Close your eyes and fade away"
I won't repeat myself again, but I still think this would be better with punctuation. Apart from that I really liked this, it's very conclusive and summarizes the feelings of the poem. It's almost bluntly written and it really sums up the feelings of the writer. It's straight to the point and doesn't leave the reader in suspense. I really liked it, so great job.
Overall I really liked this poem. It was so meaningful and your talent with poetry made it even more interesting to read. I hope I see more writing from you around YWS. I hope my review was helpful to you (don't be afraid to request another when you write more.) I thoroughly enjoyed reading this and I can't wait to read more of your work. Great job!
From EnchantedPanda <3
Thank you! :3
You are very welcome
Hi Maddy!
This is a difficult subject to tackle, as it lends itself easily to cliches. That said, I think you did a good job. I especially liked the line "Watch a waterfall of glory flow". The main suggestion I have is to be consistent with punctuation. You have some in the first stanza, but none in the others. I'd suggest putting it in, but whatever you decide, make it consistent.
Of course, I also have to applaud you for trying free verse. Keep experimenting with different forms and subjects and you can only improve. Keep writing!
Thank you! I tried it, t sucks but oh well x3
Hey Maddy! With 14 reviews in roughly three days on YWS, you're doing awesome. Keep up the good work.
I'm going to do a quick stanza by stanza review of your poem. But before that, a quick overview. You used nice, interesting imagery in your poem. It's not straight forward, but the meaning is clear.
Now, line one!
I feel like this line belongs with stanza two. There's not much of a reason to leave it dangling like that, other than effect, but it'd be just as effective merged with the second stanza.
Stanza two!
This stanza was neat, I like the abstract way you present the imagery. 'Streaks' is the only thing I did like about this stanza. It seems a little off to me. Maybe consider something like, 'thread', but 'streaks' doesn't fit the visual I get.
Stanza three!
This stanza was disturbing, which I think is what you were going for. Good job! I do not like the last line because a treasure cannot really sing. That's nit picky, though. I think you could improve that line with something less figurative.
Stanza four!
This was my favorite stanza, and easily the most well written. Great job! There's not much I would edit in this stanza, it's really clean, and neat, and tidy.
I hope my review was helpful! Keep up the good work Maddy!
The first line was meant to be part of the first stanza. It must have gotten confused and decided it wanted to be its own special stanza x3 I'll fixthat though :3
It won't let me change it to go with the first stanza >.<
That's funny. If you need help with that, you should contact someone with a red name, like Rydia or Meshugenah. They may be able to help. It's not really a big deal though! Still a great poem!
That's funny. If you need help with that, you should contact someone with a red name, like Rydia or Meshugenah. They may be able to help. It's not really a big deal though! Still a great poem!