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139,464 Literary Works • 672,570 Reviews
Hey Ayh!
Shady here with your review!
I'm new to reviewing poetry, but I'm going to try this anyway. Sorry if I'm not very good at it.
Wow.
I'm not a cutter. I never have been, and I never will be. I don't even claim to understand why people cut. I don't. However, you made it very clear what you meant by your poem. You use incredibly pretty words to describe something that people do when they're in their darkest days, and I think that most people can relate to that. I definitely can.
I've got invisible scars, and the way you described them as a picture interested me, and sent a shiver down my spine. That's what they really are. All the hurts and pains thrown together with the strength it takes to keep from drowning in shadows does paint a lovely picture-- the person we become.
This part was particularly...unsettling. It was my favorite bit.
This is a very good poem, and I can't see anything to critique, so I'll leave you now.
If you need any more help (I swear I'm actually a decent reviewer of prose if you have any) or have any questions, feel free to PM or wall me.
Keep Writing!
~Shady
Hello darling!
Title: "Survive"
Your title did not at all fit the expectation of content that I had when reading this poem. In fact, you wrote about such a ghastly topic. I was surprised that your title did not indicate this or prepare me at all for what was ahead, thus disturbing me greatly.
Stanza 1: "Scars dance across her skin
Slowly showing you a picture,"
"Scar" and "dance" are interesting words to put together. "Scars" are painful and sometimes scary. "Dance" is a word that remind me of happiness and joy and wonder in the world. It disturbed me that these two words were put side by side. "Slowly" doesn't seem to fit in the sam estanza as the word "dance".
Stanza 2: "A picture painted on her body
With red, pink, and faded white"
"Painted" does not seem to be the right word to use. I suggest a different one. I would never describe cutting by using the word "painting" unless I felt that cutting was something beautiful. I think cutting is scary and dangerous.
Stanza 3: "Her paintbrush slowly slides along the desired spot,
Creating more detail for her portrait"
This stanza bothered me. Not just the content, but also the wording. Something isn't right here.
Stanza 4: "Maybe someday, when it’s complete,
She’ll show it to you and tell you"
This awkwardness matches the awkwardness of Stanza 3.
Stanza 5: "“I survived.”"
This last stanza doesn't fit at all.
Overall: I am not a fan of this poem. The content was disturbing. I just want to say that if you are cutting or if you feel sad or anything, there are people who care.
Message me if you need anything.
You may not find the topic beautiful, but some people do. It's a REAL thing to write about, not something fake and made up.
I think that you misunderstood me. It is something real to write about. However, if someone write a poem about cutting because they are cutting themselves, then that's where I get very concerned.
It’s a hard topic to write about. Trigger warnings in the description would be nice!
I like that you were brave enough to face this in a poem. I think many people shy away from it for fear that writing about it will say something about who they are and it will reflect badly on them, but if you’re worried about that, this is just a poem, and you just happened to write it, from where I stand.
That said, this poem can use more grace. You start with it. Words like dance and slowly give us slight images, and they’re not hindered by your sentence syntax there, but as we go on, the lines get more and more clunky until they eclipse the grace you intended to use. “A picture painted on her body”, for example, could be slimmed down to “A portrait on her body”, to get in the word you use later on (portrait), without having to go through that very awkward stanza. I’d take that one out, the third one. It brings in the idea of the paintbrush and portrait, but serves only to prop up those comparisons. It doesn’t move the idea anywhere new, so it’s not necessary. You might change the second stanza to this:
A portrait on her body.
A pallet of red and pink and faded white.
There you’ve the paintbrush, the portrait, and your colors. Everything you needed, without the unmoving stanza.
My last suggestion would be to clarify what this painting has to do with surviving. I know what the secret meaning behind the painting has to do with surviving, but the thing about playing with a metaphor is that if you don’t carry it to the end, it’s like a magician pulling away the curtain, me sitting in the audience, and revealing, “Tada! See, I wasn’t really talking about a painting.” Carry it to the end. Your readers are smart enough to stay with you. The meaning isn’t very hidden.
PM me if you have any questions or comments about my review, please.
Good luck and keep writing!
Hi Maddy! Personally I'd love to see you branch out and try writing about different subjects. That said, I like this piece. The picture imagery is striking.
I thought the double repetition of "a picture" was awkward. Maybe it could be just "...a picture/painted on her body...". Or perhaps a different synonym for picture in the second line.
This line feels long and awkward as is. I might remove "slowly" and replace "the desired spot" with something more concrete. Possibly an allusion to the white in the previous stanza?
I like the ending as is. However, it might be interesting to develop the relationship between the speaker and "you". Is "you" related to why she cuts? Or is he/she some future person that has no connection to her currently? This could add more dimension to the piece.
Overall, this is good, but there are some lines that could be improved. Great job and keep writing!
Hey there!
Starleene here!
I thought I would pop in and deliver you a review! Let’s begin!
“Scars dance across her skin
Slowly showing you a picture,”
I really like this stanza, the flow is beautiful. Something you might want to change though is the comma at the end? It might read better if it was a semi colon. Also, the (s) in “slowly” doesn’t need to be capitalized.
“A picture painted on her body
With red, pink, and faded white”
Great imagery; though I would add a comma after “body”, under case” with”, and add a period at the end of “white.” If you change them, it would make the piece feel right.
“Her paintbrush slowly slides along the desired spot,
Creating more detail for her portrait”
The flow of the first line is a little off. You should think about revising it a smidge to blend it a little more into the piece. Also, add a period after “portrait.”
“Maybe someday, when it’s complete,
She’ll show it to you and tell you”
Love this. It’s beautiful and adds a beautiful lead up to the ending. The rhythm is good and it flows very nicely with the rest of your piece.
“I survived.”
I think you were trying to allude to what she has survived but I don’t think I caught on. Nevertheless, I loves the work, just a couple minor touch ups and you’ll be good to go. Very well done! Can’t wait to see more from you!
Good Luck! Happy Writing!
Starleene Out.