pollution

This poem is incredible and heartbreaking.

Heyo, LunarAirPollution!

Dang, this poem matches up with your username! :0 Were you planning this all along?? I love it!

I absolutely love the structure of your poem. From Earth, to the stars, and then you bring home a powerful point in that last stanza. I thought that really hit home and brought the entire poem together. Wow!

I think that there's still a couple of other moments in the poem that you could sharpen up before that big moment. No need to take any suggestion you're not into!

spent all of my life on
someone else's earth
there's trash in the air
diluting its worth
the water is so cloudy
a world full of dearth

First of all, having read the whole poem now, I'm curious about what the first two lines mean. Is it someone else's earth because others have trashed it? At first, I think I thought that maybe the narrator was not from Earth?? It's an interesting concept though!

Generally, your rhymes in this poem are spot-on -- especially impressive considering you squeeze in three per stanza! But I think this last one, "dearth," felt a little off to me, just like it was a little more of a stretch than some of the others. It does make sense in context, it just felt a little like it was stuck in there. But that's a hard rhyme set, so I'm not sure I have a better suggestion there!

You have a lot of nice images, and I particularly like how the water is cloudy instead of the sky, and "trash" is in the air.

the animals are dying
and some plants as well
the people kill each other
for reasons they never tell
and no one will do anything
'cause caring just don't sell

In this stanza, I like your broad overview of a lot of the problems you're trying to cover in this poem.

I thought that "some plants as well" came off as a little bit underwhelming? It's really the "some," because it seems like you're underselling the problem, almost?? I'm not sure if that makes sense. I feel like in a poem like this, I would push more towards exaggerating the pertinent issues so that the reader can feel them, rather than saying only "some" of the plants are dying.

I felt similarly about the last line, maybe the "'cause" was just a little weirdly casual for some serious sentiments? I think maybe just saying "because caring doesn't sell" would have a more serious tone.

I do like what candyhearts said below, though, about the casual/easy-going feel of the poem going against the grain of the serious message, and I kind of like the idea of the ending being a bit of a surprise. But, you're also dealing with big and serious issues, so it could be nice to give them a little more weight, too! It depends on what you want to go for in your poem.

perhaps it is time
if we aren't going to fix it
to start looking elsewhere
for some place to inhabit
and i think outer space
would be a big hit

In this stanza, for example, I felt like the off-hand tone of "i think outer space / would be a big hit" was a lot more effective. Maybe that's because the attitude here feels more satirical and earlier it didn't quite have that edge?

I guess thinking back to the previous stanza, instead of making that one more serious, you could lean even more into the "it's no big deal" vibes. Ah I could see this going in so many neat ways!

I really like it in this stanza though. "if we aren't going to fix it" was a big oof and I was worried at first that the rest of the poem was going to ignore the issues, but you took things in such a cool direction.

we'd live on some planet
or travel the stars
we all would have spaceships
or at least flying cars
we could explore
the nears and the fars

I felt like this last line was another rhyme that was a bit of a stretch, just because "nears and fars" didn't feel very descriptive to me after a whole stanza of cool descriptions. "we all would have spaceships / or at least flying cars" is one of my favorite sets of lines in this poem!! It just made me laugh and I loved it.

yet somehow i know
its just got to be true
by the that time i arrive
up on the moon
there will be death
and pollution there too

Hai :3

This poem hits hard!! I can feel the frustration and the bleakness throughout, and it’s got this super urgent vibe, like you’re trying to shake people awake. It’s so evocative, like you’re saying this earth doesn’t even feel like yours anymore, that it’s been taken over by something unrecognizable. That's so realistic!! It’s like the beauty of the world is being smothered, and you’re watching it happen. That's all there is to do ~~ If people don't step up, one person can't change the world!!

The people kill each other
for reasons they never tell

there will be death
and pollution there too

Everything that God made
We are destroying
We don't seen to care about
The planet earth