You make my mouth bitter and dry you make my body shake You make my brain go so fast so alive and awake Like fire in my veins you give me all I need And when I lack ideas, my racing thoughts you feed I hate to go without you even for a single day Just to have you in my hands there's no telling what I wouldn't pay I would not have made it far without the help of you You make me warm on cold days and cool on hot ones too And when I am without you I truly am the worst Just ask anyone who knows me they will affirm the curse
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Hi there! Just wanted to drop by and leave some comments on your work. (Thank you so much for sharing, by the way).
As a fellow coffee fanatic, I've been wanting to write about coffee for a while but never knew how to find the words. I really enjoy your take on writing about coffee, that it isn't even for the pleasure or taste, or even art of making coffee, but rather to feed the addiction, as shown in the lines:
I think the rhyme in this poem really gives it a more playful feeling, despite the somewhat seriously seeming title of "Need You", as if it reels in readers thinking it's about something more serious but is really just a nice poem about coffee. The rhyme in this poem is well done and gives the poem a natural cadence/rhythm while reading aloud.
I would suggest inserting more sensory lines/words to truly give the reader a "taste" (aha) of just how jittery or tasty the coffee, or perhaps even the smell! Your poem is great on its own, though, so this is merely a suggestion from a reader's perspective. It would really flesh out the importance of coffee.
Overall, I really enjoyed your poem! And I hope to read more from you soon. I, too, need to write about my coffee addiction someday. Thank you for sharing and keep writing!
Hi there! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
If you really wanted to push beyond what an amazing poem this already is, I'd try experimenting with ways to show in more "unique" ways, although that word isn't the best because nothing is truly unique. Different is a better word. Try different ways of describing the emotion if you'd like, although this poem does a pretty great job of that already.
Hello there! I'm Orabella, and how have I not found your poetry before?? It's so good! Remind me to read the rest of what you have if I don't; I loved this and I'd love to read more!
Top Graham Cracker - What I Know
What we have here is a unique poem about coffee that accurately portrays the feeling I've had described to me about the need and love for coffee. (I'm not a coffee drinker, but I still found this really interesting and quite fun to read!)
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - Room for Improvements
So, this may or may not be because I'm reviewing at 11PM, but I didn't understand at first that you were talking about coffee XD I might just be a little too sleepy to process everything at the moment, but I was a little confused. I noticed you wrote coffee in your description of the work, but unfortunately, descriptions aren't always with the work, which is kind of silly but it happens. If I was to suggest anything to change/add/improve, it would be to make that a little more obvious for crazy people like me. (However, on the other hand, you could argue it's better this way where Coffee isn't directly mentioned so readers have to use their brains to actually decipher what the poem is about, which stops them from reading it through without actually reading it, if you know what I mean, and they'll be more likely to understand and care about your poem and what's in it.)
I'd also like to suggest adding more variety to your lines: a one or two feel somewhat unoriginal in that I feel like they've been said before, although I actually adore most of your lines! Talk more about that in the next section.
Chocolate Bar - Highlights of the Piece
Where do I even begin?? I loved the rhyming scheme; so many poems out there rhyme because people think poems have to rhyme, but you actually made everything fit so perfectly! Each line flows beautifully into the next, and the rhymes are really only a small portion of that! For example, this stanza is amazing:
The subject of each line makes it very easy to squish the words together into rhymes that don't quite make sense, but you managed to do that so well! It's almost like a plot twist for poetry, where you don't expect the next rhyme, but it still fits perfectly gives such a cool feeling to readers, similar to plot twists in long-form stories. (Or even short!) (An opposite example of that would be is "I can rhyme all the time!" It's boring, overused, and doesn't really give the reader any new information, unless the poet can twist that on its head, which is really hard to do.)
Closing Graham Cracker - Closing Thoughts
Overall, this is such an interesting take on coffee! I love the different ways of describing it and the general style of writing. I truly hope you have a wonderful day/night, and have fun with your writing! Please, keep writing, because you're too good to stop! ^^
Hey this is your beloved and one and only Coffee!! I’m so glad you depend on me so much!<3
(Haha, sorry I HAD to ^^)
Onto the review of my favourite poem EVER!
As you can tell, I am a huge coffee fan too and I’m so addicted I don’t really have any side effects once I drink it!
I really love your creative work, it’s really cool and it has a foreboding sense to it too!
I love how you structured you poem and verses, I think you didn’t use any ‘traditional’ rhyming techniques(that’s totally ok of course, I’m not great at rhyming so I can’t say much anyway) and I like that since I love poems without them since I feel the writing is often much more free as you don’t have to worry about things like perfect words and “it has to rhyme” etc! I love how there are a few words scattered around that rhyme, really makes the whole piece come together! I love the line:
It’s my favourite one, makes the whole thing more mysterious and eye-catching yknow? It makes you think the poem is about more than just coffee. NOTHING is wrong with just coffee though, coffee’s undoubtedly amazing.^^
I love the little joke hidden in there too, I don’t want to imagine how you would look like without coffee and sleep-deprived! Whoever encounters you, they’re certainly in for a show! I feel like that too sometimes, although I must say, my parents know how grumpy I can get over the smallest things and I’m worse without coffee when I crave it. Haha. I’m rambling again, overall I cannot convey in words how much I LOVE this and since it’s about me it has a special place in my heart.
Thank you for reading my review and have a wonderful day/night! I better sleep now! I hope you dream of coffee now/later! <3
Coffee!! I would expect nothing less with your username! Thx for the review <333 xoxox
Hey there, LunarAirPollution (That's the best username I have seen in YWS yet ngl)! Rebel here for a short review!
Ah yes, coffee! The brewed cup of bashful bucolic beverage that briefly makes our bland and dull life better! To be honest, without the little description, the poem would have seemed to be a little off-beat love poem - so, I suggest you mention coffee in the title or somewhere in the poem to make it more clear that this is indeed about coffee, not your beloved - I mean, there's nothing wrong if coffee is your True One, but who am I to judge? *wink*
Now, to come to the poem itself, it seems that you have used an ABCB rhyming pattern, a classic. In the third stanza, the last line: there's no telling what I wouldn't pay stands out a beat in terms of the stress pattern and beat, but I guess it's alright if it's intentional. And I really liked the little oxymoronic phrasing in the last two lines of the fourth stanza: You make me warm on cold days / and cool on hot ones too But the last stanza is definitely my favourite, I feel like I could quote in a Poet's Convention or something.
Anyway, that's all. It was a good read. Keep writing! :p
P.S.: This review was brought to you by Team Tortoise!
Hey friend! Ellie here to leave a quick review to this lovely poem of yours! Let's get right into it
Right from the start, you use a lot of sensory words to describe how coffee affects your body. I noticed your rhyme scheme of shake and awake. The rhymes added a nice touch to the poem and were done well!
From your poem, it seems like coffee is something that allows you to have the energy to function and be productive. In that last line, you even say "there's no telling what I wouldn't pay" suggesting that it is something you are very dependent on to get though the day.
I liked how you mentioned hot and cold days. Normally we would think of drinking hot drinks on a cold day, but this shows that you use them anytime, even at times that may not be seen as needed. To me, it sounds like you are speaking to coffee the way you would seek to a dear friend. Your language was very casual and comforting to read.
Overall, this was a well written poem. It was very simple. I found you used simple language and talked in a kind way, to your friend coffee. Personally I am not a coffee drinker, but I am glad you like it so much!! Keep writing and I hope to see more of your poems around YWS soon!!
Your friend,
Ellie