Young Writers Society

heya, rubes here with a review!

WWW: I love the structure, it is quick paced and almost demonstrates the speed of a panic attack or thought process in your episodes. Me having these moments really can relate, the trauma of it but also the small glimmer of hope soon after it. the feeling of someone maybe loving you in the future and maybe having an escape from reality. I like how you present it and showcase the emotions through your vocab and structure.

EBI: Even though there are many great elements to this piece, it is necessary to give a different viewpoint and some writing advice. I think you could have focused on a set moment more often. The pace is great enough to show the emotions and I think that just settling on 2 or 3 topics can really enhance your story and writing ability as well as present the deeper meaning you as the author want to get across. I also think an extended metaphor would bring another surface of emotions to the poem by calling it something: for example a shadow or the darkness ect. However this is totally your call.

Overall this is beautiful and I really appreciate this being said. Even though there are some improvements to be made, it is really great already and certainly entertaining for the reader.
Stay safe,
Love Rubes x

Hi LiviK! And welcome to YWS, I hope you've enjoyed your time here so far. I think this poem has a lot of heart - it definitely came across as being genuine!

The mood or overall message I got from this poem was that the speaker feels very alone and not understood - the poem is interesting in that I think it gives the reader a glimpse into what the speaker's dealing with so in a way they aren't any longer "misunderstood / alone" and that's kind of special that the reader gets to peer into what the speaker is dealing with.

I think you've got a great sense of getting across emotion in poetic form - which isn't easy to do; and gives you a great base. I have a few suggestions that I think could bring the poem up to the next level.

Streamline the Message
Right now there are a lot of emotions going on in this poem! The fear of being not-understood, the fear of being alone, the fear of rejection, the fear of having broken rules, and a uncertainty about flaws the speaker thinks they have. Right now it feels like the speaker is cycling through all these different emotions but I'm having some trouble seeing how they are all connected.

I would recommend to focus on one emotion the speaker is feeling and take out everything that doesn't support that one message. This is something I often do in editing my poem, is at the end ask "what does it mean in one or two sentences" and then take out everything else that doesn't add to that. You could also try telling the emotions of the poem, in a bit more of a narrative way - rather than it being in somewhat of a list of emotions and thoughts (stream of consciousness) I think if you wanted to include all these different emotional layers it might work to set it up in some more narrative form - tell a story or describe a scene of the speaker feeling these things. That would also help the emotions feel even more concrete because they would be more attached to reality for the reader.

Metaphor
Another benefit of streamlining your message is it'll be easier to develop metaphors and figurative language to really make your poem pop! Figurative language and metaphors really help a poem become more than words and really "stick" with a reader I think!

One metaphor you've got going on already in the poem is the concept of wholeness / brokenness / and emotions "seeping through the surface". Those are some really solid images and metaphors to work with and I'd definitely love to hear those expanded more!

On Form
I think format / spelling / grammar-wise you did a great job editing this piece so it was very easy to read and understand. The line breaks you've got I noticed are all "end of sentence" breaks, you might experiment a bit with "end of phrase" breaks a bit to mix things up and make the lines more even - I think that'd improve the flow, but overall I think it worked how you had it too!

Overall
Overall, this was a poem that definitely communicated some strong emotions, and I enjoyed getting that perspective from the speaker. Best of luck in the rest of your writing! ~~

~alliyah

Hi Dossereana here to do a review, gosh I hope you are okay this is some really true things, if you want to talk, be free to PM me I'm always open, *follows* Now lets get into this.

It seems that I’m the only one.

The one that doesn’t understand,

The one that can’t get it right.

Disappointment seems to always be around the corner

It lurks in the darkening night.

Hopes to drive me insane,

And sometimes it manages to do so.

There is no inbetween

One day:

I am so empty .

No emotion can seep through my surface.

Dry laughing seems like all I can do.

The Next:

I can’t hold anything back.

I'm mad, then broken, then happy.

It’s as if nothing is truly real.

I feel replaced

but what they don’t realize is

It’s not a phase.

Wow ! Seriously, wow!!

Hey LiviK!!
First of all, your work has touched such a genuinely beautiful topic. <33
Probably, one of the most misunderstood term is understanding, in the context of humans of course. The way you have expressed the yearning to be completely understood is amazingly relatable. Even I used to crave for someone who can understand me completely. But not so much now, because that just feels too good to be true !! There are parts of me- things I do- that I myself don't understand.
The first part about the emotions was so heartwarming. Mood swings are really a thing- like a real thing - not something that just happens when you're a teen!!

So afraid of what they don’t understand.

For all they know

I could be anything.

Yet, they choose to ‘know’ me

Just by a simple wave of a hand

And a look of what’s all on the outside.

But, no one really takes the time to learn what’s inside

The one that doesn’t care about my flaws,

And will love me no matter how much I fall.