Young Writers Society

Hi there, Livi! You pointed me to this poem, so here I am!

Let's start.

Once again, I can relate to certain parts of this poem, which makes me like it more. This, too, is quite well written, although I think it can do with more improvement than the other.So, here's my critique:

But, alas who knows, only one who has seen it.

Grammatically, this sentence is choppy. Are you implying only one person has seen it, or that only someone who sees it can understand what it is? Whichever it is, try to shed more clarity through the lines.

The one that if the mirror doesn’t say perfect there is no point in trying.

Read this line again, it doesn't actually make sense. it isn't a complete sentence. Let's try to fix that: "The one that if the mirror says is imperfect, gives up on trying."

I love with all my heart but then fall the farthest

And when they say I’m not trying is when I cry the hardest.

I'm so sorry to hear that. You are trying, and I'm proud of you for it. <3

Lost in time, yet no one hears me when they come upon.

I think you can phrase this sentence a bit better. How about, "Lost in time, never heard when they come upon me."

I can only hope for the time to come.

Where I don’t have to hide behind a bush.

This is actually one sentence in the form of what should be an enjambment, so I suggest removing the fullstop.


Last time, I complimented you on how near the beginning of the poem you had fullstops and commas ending sentences but towards the end you didn't. In this case, however, I don't think that's the right thing to do. The dreamy effect feels forced more than anything and the complete lack of punctuation makes it difficult to figure out where one sentence begins and where it ends.

Or is my survival breached?

I don't think "breached" is the right word here By trying to make a rhyme, you compromised a chance to end the poem strongly. This feels a bit flimsy.

Overall, good effort! The key selling point of this poem is how readers will be able to relate to various parts of it, and that's what you largely require, but keep in mind that structure, grammar and punctuation will also contribute to the overall reception of your poem. This, I would say, is still the draft of an excellent poem.

If my review offended you in any way, I apologise! That is not my intention. I just want to see your writing get even better than it is.

Happy writing!
~Lee

Hey there!! Just hopped on to review! I love your poem, btw, I relate to it so hard, especially the idea of wanting to please everyone even though it's impossible.

Well, let's get into it (though I don't have many critiques)

Problems arise when they find that there is one keyhole they fit not many.

I think, grammar-wise, there should be a comma after "fit".

I love with all my heart but then fall the farthest

Was the lack of a period intentional here?

One that has all the mistakes and the one that tells my tales

Same here.

Together at last I will say on that faithful day I find the one I love and it will stay that way

Again, you use punctuation a lot in this poem, but this line lacks it where it grammatically needs it, for example there should be a comma after "at last". There should also be a comma after "one I love". And this is just a preference, but I feel this line would flow better if "that faithful day" were "the faithful day".

After this, the series of lines without periods makes sense and creates a new flow of punctuation that I really love. Then when it transitions to the question marks, I love that as well, this sudden tone of doubt.

Overall, I loved this poem. I love how you utilized punctuation to create emphasis and your imagery with the keys, because keys are often used for the heart, and the way you tied that in with wanting to be accepted by people is really unique and clever.

Great job!

mordax

Hiya Ashlyn here for a review!! Before I dive into it though please know that this review is not intended to offend you or make your writing look bad.

For they try to fit into a keyhole that is given shape by everyone around them.

Problems arise when they find that there is one keyhole they fit not many.

Yet, they keep trying to reshape themselves to fit every.

A keyhole is a neat way to describe society and how society forces you to be perfect. And the potential symbolism is astounding. The 'key' could represent the narrator, and the 'door' their personality, flaws, faults everything they hate, about society, and there could be another key and door for society except the door this time represents the potential successes and ideals society wants us to have and the narrator wants to open societies door, but they can only open their own.
It's definitely clear that the narrator isn't happy with who they are, and they probably are having a hard time 'fitting in' with society.

I strive for hope and happiness too.

Yet it never comes with the people so few.

I love with all my heart but then fall the farthest

And when they say I’m not trying is when I cry the hardest.

I'm a bit confused as to what you mean by 'with the people so few' but if the previous lines are anything to go by I'm guessing that means like people who aren't in privileged positions, raised in traumatic environments, or who are popular/famous?
This is poem is written from your perspective though, so please correct me if I got that bit wrong ^^
'And when they say I'm not trying, is when I cry the hardest'
That doesn't flow well to me. Maybe there's a smoother way you could put that?

Lost in time, yet no one hears me when they come upon.

The years go dark as I try to find who I really am or what must die.

I get an image of someone whose lost her happiness in the past, and how whenever she asks someone to make her happy she's ignored and ridiculed.
Ahhh yeah, I can feel that second line. There are so many things that can make us want of figure out who we are, any number of tough circumstance will do that. 'What must die'...that's referring to what? Certain parts of your personality? Or is that talking about a lover? Or is that mentioning suicide?

All I want is love and the good days.

Will anyone find me?

Hmmm maybe that could be more powerfully put? 'All I want is love and the good days' is generically put, and I feel like it should pack more of a punch ^^
Anywho, that concludes this review. I guess this wasn't to helpful grammatically, but again, this is a poem about personal issues and emotions, so grammar kind of takes the backseat. I hope it was helpful, and if not, I hope it made you smile<33
-Ashlyn


PS: Again, if I got some things wrong about this poem, or misinterpreted meanings please let me know. I don't want to come off as rude and I definitely don't want to downgrade your emotions or circumstances ^^