It's absolutely terrible, but emotional me wouldn't let me not publish it.
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Spring was robbed of sweetness
by fruits of bitter pains.
Summer was a shallow warmth,
Wreathed in clouds of grey.
And when winter came at long last,
The cold rock weighed me down;
I’ve lost the bond that barely lasted
through these tumultuous times.
The iron-clad shell you don every day
doesn’t let you see.
A friend, a brother, a solid pillar;
that’s what you were to me.
Such ice! Frost sheathed your voice,
A coldness that robs you of feeling;
Thinking of it makes me shiver,
But the snow just settles ever thicker.
Winter’s pale sun mocks my misery
by casting enough light to see;
I see and cry at days long past,
But know they’re out of reach.
I’ll never know everything.
I could never be enough.
You drifted past my flailing arms,
But I don’t have it in me to blame.
Other friends, another life,
That’s your choice to make;
But when the silver sun sets
and the burnished gold rises,
I hope you’ll know my pain.
It pains me now, to cut you loose,
But what choice do I have?
You’ve been lost to me for months,
And spring has come and passed.
The woven way leads back, still,
But it’s tangled in a fen;
A path from your heart that leads back to me,
But that isn’t my choice to make.
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139,672 Literary Works • 672,647 Reviews
Hello LittleLee!
Thanks for sharing this poem. I can tell how much thought and intentionality you have put behind this piece. There are lines here that are pure gold! I also really appreciate how metred the piece is.
The use of seasons/seasonal imagery here was a wise choice in strongly conveying the sense of loss of an important relationship. What's even more exciting is your choice to use all seasons to describe that negative feeling - normally, seasons like spring or summer are used in juxtaposition to colder seasons like winter which has more negative connotations. I am intrigued by the sullen meteorological imagery throughout and it is effective. Furthermore, I appreciate the fact that seasons can be associated with chronology - which is important when delineating a relationship and the nature of that relationship. The strongest part of the poem which captures that is, in my opinion, the following:
On another note, you may want to consider splitting the poem into stanzas. While it works as is, there is something to be said for the way stanzas help organize thoughts and the reader's interpretation. There were times where I felt a little confused, mostly because I felt the message of the poem would be more effective with some structural organization. Let me know if you would like further suggestions about where to split stanzas, etc!
Overall, I quite enjoyed this. You write well. Let me know if I can help with further revisions!
Best,
Lavvie
Omg I didn't realise I had reviews on this poem XDD
It definitely needs a proper structure, I'm going to work on this privately. Thank you so much for your feedback!
Hello LittleLee,
I'd like to leave a few thoughts on your work. I liked the flow, it felt good to read. The way you formatted your piece made it easy to read and follow all the way through. Your imagery was nicely done in your ideas about darkness and the waking life forcing us to face cold reality. I might be reading things into your work, I hope I've understood you. However, I'm not sure if there's an overall message in the piece beyond the apparent conflict between the narrator and his/her lost companion. This could be my lack of experience reading this art form but these are my first impressions. It feels less directed toward a specific goal or meaning. Your wintry part of the piece was nearly tactile; it felt metallic and cold - it was nice. It was simple. I enjoyed reading it. One line in particular caught my attention.
Quote:
The woven way leads back, still,
But it's tangled in a fen;
A path from your heart that leads back to me,
But that isn't my choice to make
What is meant by "But that isn't my choice to make"?
Hiii oh man this is a late reply
I meant that it's my companion's choice to come back to me, that the path to my heart still remains open.
I think that's what I mean in any case hahaHello LittleLee,
I'd like to leave a few thoughts on your work. I liked the flow, it felt good to read. The way you formatted your piece made it easy to read and follow all the way through. Your imagery was nicely done in your ideas about darkness and the waking life forcing us to face cold reality. I might be reading things into your work, I hope I've understood you. However, I'm not sure if there's an overall message in the piece beyond the apparent conflict between the narrator and his/her lost companion. This could be my lack of experience reading this art form but these are my first impressions. It feels less directed toward a specific goal or meaning. Your wintry part of the piece was nearly tactile; it felt metallic and cold - it was nice. It was simple. I enjoyed reading it. One line in particular caught my attention.
Quote:
The woven way leads back, still,
But it's tangled in a fen;
A path from your heart that leads back to me,
But that isn't my choice to make
What is meant by "But that isn't my choice to make"?
Hey, thank you for the review!
I meant to say that the other person is the one who can choose whether or not to come back.
And the topic is about them drifting away.