Waking to a pitiless world
He looks to the food so close, yet so far
To the man
eating it
who looks at him
like he is just another stray.
The food is thrown
onto the road
but an image burns on
burns like his stomach .
Blood forms in his mouth
not water
The little he gets goes to the Angel nowadays.
Born to a pitiless world
a pitiless father
a dying mother
His Angel is what stops him
From dying himself.
One of the men in suits
looks at him
looks for a long time
then gestures him over.
He hopes and prays he will get something to give to the Angel
and he does.
He is dying now, he knows it
He has only one kidney now
but the Angel has got what she needs
his darling sister had the death bringer he bought
with the few coins he had for his kidney
he saved her
from the harsh world
and now
after the whipping his father gave him
he closes his eyes
he breathes one last time
and then he is gone
Gone from this pitiless world.
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Who/what is this main character? I have to say, the description made me not give this review too much effort. There wasn't too much that I noticed that struck out to me other than, "This dog sold their kidney and pays for stuff?" and "Who is this angel? Is it the dog? Is it the man? Is it a dead friend?" It's funny how it says, "pitiless world," when the man pittied the... whatever it is.
Men in suits, as I understand it, is the corporate world such as walmart, mcdonalds, etc.. but that's just about the only clarity I have.
This is actually slightly abstract. If all poems are that clear, then it ruins the point.
Some poems are extremely clear, too clear I'd say, but that is their goal. With this poem, clarity appears needed, to me, because you're very clear the first half, then the second half, but the two simply don't connect. It's as the bridge between michigan and wisconsin. The two halfs were being built, but didn't meet in the middle.
Sorry for the late reply. This poem is, basically, about a poverty-struck child who loves his sister, and gives her whatever food he gets , etc. His sister is the Angel.
Later, to save his sister from the harshness of the world, he sells his kidney, buys some pills, and kills her. After a beating, he lies dying himself.
Thanks for sharing this beautiful composition. Poems need not be deeply pondered while being written. Sometimes masterpieces spring fully-formed from the subconscious and the conscious serves only as the writer jotting down what is surfacing spontaneously. So judging a poem by how long it took to write, isn’t a good idea. Instead, each poem must be judged on its own merit and nothing else.
My understanding:
The poem effectively describes a sick, jobless, homeless person at the mercy of the elements and predatory people. Very dramatic story due to the conflict created between man against the elements, man against himself, and man against others. There is the additional tension of man against the supernatural by inclusion of a good angel and a death-bringer which seems to allude to the Grim reaper that the protagonist buys off with his kidney.
He is initially described as is awakening. Yet, since his father already introduced him to the harshness of a cruel world the awakening must be gradual during his lifetime and not sudden. He saves his sister by giving her one of his kidneys and that in addition to the beating administered by his father contributes to his own death. To be honest, what I didn't understand is who the angel that he worships is and what she is trying to accomplish in relation to the protagonist.
Suggestions:
Since this is prose poetry, regular punctuation would make for smoother reading.
For example:
“Waking to a pitiless world[,]...."
“....burns on[,]”
“....mouth[,]not water[.]”
[has now] = redundancy
“....the death-bringer he bought off....” Otherwise he is buying a death-bringer.
"...who [gazes] at him like he is just another stray.”
Always try not to repeat the same word too close together.
Thank you for this useful review! You got most of the meaning right, but I guess I should have elaborated!
Basically, it's about a child, who LITERALLY wakes up from his sleep, and he allows the man to take his kidney so he gets some money to buy food for his sister. He loves his sister so much that he calls her an Angel. Like mentioned, his father is cruel, and since he's already weak from losing a vital organ, he dies from his father's beating. And the deathbringer is poison, as he wants to save his sister from the cruelty of life.
Still, your points are really right.
@Flumadiddle @Saruka @Feltrix @DemonGoddess @Danni88 @soundofmind @PastelSlushie @PrincessInk @FalconerGal9080 @Sheytato
YES I will review when I can
Sorry, but I don't know enough about poetry to give a helpful review. Also, @FalconerGal9086
Thanks