z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Seekerz Chapter 2.2 A Seeker? What?

by Lionhero333


That was the first time he could remember he made someone laugh. Asante couldn't auite believe it, he had actually made a good impression on someone and a girl no less. There weren't many kids on Faress and the ones who were there worked with their parents and played with each other. Asante was alone for so long, but not anymore. He had made a good impression and he had someone in all this confusion had made a friend. “Lets get this going.”, Adelram said.

The horses were set and Asante, and Lewa took their place behind barrels of hay. Samir and Adelram were upfront driving the carriage through the village. Mandi got pretty close to Asante, heavily sniffing the hay he stood behind, she took a large chunk and chewed loudly. Asante looked at Lewa who had a smile on her face. That smile had come to comfort Asante in such a short time.

“You remind me a lot of her.”, Asante said.

“Thank you.”, Lewa replied.

“I'm nothing like her.”, Asante said. Lewa opened her mouth like she wanted to say something but couldn't, Asante was telling the truth. “She was always courageous…”, Asante continued, “I always cried if she was too far away. Is she still like that”, he asked.

Lewa chuckled, “Possibly to a fault.”

“Is that what got her in trouble.”, he asked

She replied, “ Yes, its for a good cause. The world is mess up Asante and were trying to fix it.”

“How?”, he asked.

Lewa hears some commotion, “Wait, shhhh.”, she says.

They had made it to the docks, there more guards watched like hawks.

“All hail Orogon.”, one of the guards said.

“All shall praise him.”, Adelram said.

In the crate, Lewa and Asante looked through the spaces in the wood.

“Who is Edyn?”, Asante asked.

“Shhhh.”, Lewa signaled.

“This man here has to transport horses to the mainland in the east, I was escorting him, you see”, Adelram said.

“Very well. Did you check the crates?”, the guard asked.

“Yes I did sir.”, Adelram said.

“Well, there should be nothing to worry about. Check the crates. Make sure there is no funny business!”, he ordered.

Two more guards came to the back of the carriage. They opened it and looked inside as attentive as possible. But all they saw were the horses eating.

“Nothing here sir.” One of them says. They close it back up and allow Samir and Adelram on their way. Adelram and another soldier help Samir load the crate into the bottom of the ship.

“Thank you brother always appreciate someone who does honest work”, Adelram says shaking the hand of a the soldier.

“No problem.”, the soldier says.

“Well don't let me keep you”, Adelram says.

Samir is ready to set sail and Adelram boards on as well. “Hey, where are you going?”, one of the soldiers”, asks Adelram.

Then explosion happens out of no where a puff of smoke comes from the outskirts of the village. The soldiers rushed to the explosion. Samir and Adelram look on. “Lets go.”, Adelram told Samir. Adelram went to the bottom of the ship. Lewa and Asante are out of the crate.

“What was that explosion?”, Lewa asks.

“It was me putting a exclamation point on this fine adventure. Now on to the next.”, Adelram says as he tears away the armor he was wearing. Lewa has something in her hand, she clutches it closely. Adelram has all the armor taken off. “Woo, finally I can breathe.”, he says as he stretches and cracks his neck, “I cant believe they actually wear that stuff.”, Adelram notices that Lewa is contemplating something.

“Asante. Stand before me.”, Lewa says. Asante stands right in front of Lewa nervous and wondering what is about to happen.

“What's going on”, Asante asks. Adelram comes closer to Lewa, “What are you doing?”, he whispers closely in her ear.

“Do you solemnly swear to uphold the truth?”, she asks.

Asante all wide eyed, he doesn't fully understand what is happening, but the look in Lewa's eyes were serious, the way she spoke was firm and authoritive, he knew what she said had to do with his sister.

“Yes.”, he said. As Adelram stands by visibly frustrated.

“Do you solemnly swear to fight for truth?”, Lewa asks without breaking eye contact.

“Yes.”, Asante said.

“Are you serious? These are our words.”, Adelram said as he beat his chest.

“Do you solemnly swear to die for the truth?”, she asks.

“Yes”, he says.

Lewa comes closer to Asante, “Hold out your hand”, Asante holds out his right hand. Lewa pulls out a small black knife. Asante's heart was racing. Lewa takes her glove off her left hand, in the middle a long cut long passed healed. She cuts her hand open along the scar, the blood drips from her hand onto the wooden floor. “If sharks smell that we're finished”, Adelram says still frustrated. Lewa gently places the knife in Asante's right palm. He looks at Lewa she nods her head to tell him to do as she just did. Asante grabs the knife with his left and slowly presses on his right afraid of the cut. “You better know what your getting into”, Adelram says as serious as ever. Asante just cuts down in his hand. The blood gushes out as he drops the knife on the floor. Lewa takes his blood soaked hand into hers. “I am Lewa Walas, he is Adelram Tagawa. Asante Grass, we hereby name you a Seeker.

Asante had been alone for so long and now that was over. He had friends, he was going to reunite with his sister and even though this journey seemed so dangerous he was ready to go on this adventure into the world. He was so excited he had goose bumps all over his body. He couldn't even feel his legs, they shocked he was so nervous. He also couldn't feel his right arm, or his right hand, or Lewa's hand for that matter even though they were definitely touching. “Asante-!”, is the last thing he heard from Lewa before he fell out from losing too much blood.

Asante awakes in a bed with a damp rag on his head. He feels a pain in his hand, he remembers what he did. He can't believe he actually did that to himself. By his side is Lewa.

“Your awake.”, Lewa says. “You cut your hand pretty deep anymore and you might have cut it clean off.”, she says as she chuckles. This was Asante's first time on a boat he had never felt the rocking before, it was soothing to him like he was being held by his mother.

“Where are we?”, he asked

“Were almost there…”, Lewa replied, “Had to make a few detours but were good, should be arriving in a few days.”, she said.

Lewa held out her hand. Asante sat up to see what she had. A gold plated pendant: shaped as a Z, with a sword down its middle.

“What is that?”, Asante looked at the pendant with wide eyes, he knew instantly what it meant. He was a part of something more than himself and even though his sister had been gone for so long and seemed she had changed he felt he was closer to her than ever before.

“This is the first one ever made…”, Lewa said, “Your sister and Adelram made them.” Asante reach out for it like it was bathed in holy light. Lewa quickly closed her hand and put the pendant away.

“Your not ready.” She said with her eyes low.

“Then what do I have to do?”, Asante asked, eager to take on whatever was ahead of him.

“What me and Adelram and your sister its not child's play.”, she explained, “We get hurt, we’ve died, we've lost people.”, she said with deep sorrow.

“I will do whatever it takes. I promise.”, Asante said. For that moment he spoke those words, Lewa saw someone different, an unpolished gem he is. There's a fire inside and its just been lit. Its low and warm but can grow larger with the right guidance. She starred into his eyes a second too long. He shied away from her gaze and began to fidget. He grimaced at the pain in his hand and laid back down. He tries to move his hand but it won't listen. Lewa reaches over to help his bandaged hand but Asante signals her he's okay.

“You served a tendon, you won't be able to move it.”, Lewa says.


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Tue Jan 26, 2021 9:59 am
IcyFlame wrote a review...



Hi there Lionhero!

Like SpiritedWolfe, I haven't read the previous parts of this but if you continue posting it and want any more feedback on the earlier chapters then please let me know and I'll do my best to get to it :)

That was the first time he could remember he made someone laugh.

Just a little thing, but for me it would sound better like this:
That was the first time he could remember making someone laugh.

Asante couldn't auite believe it, he had actually made a good impression on someone and a girl no less.

Word in bold should be quite

“Lets get this going.”, Adelram said.

A couple of things on this one. Firstly, you need to begin a new paragraph for speech and secondly, it doesn't flow on from his thoughts very well. Perhaps he smiles at her, or blushes and tries to cover it by speaking? Just some little things to think about to help improve the flow of this part.

The horses were set and Asante, and Lewa took their place behind barrels of hay. Samir and Adelram were upfront driving the carriage through the village. Mandi got pretty close to Asante, heavily sniffing the hay he stood behind, she took a large chunk and chewed loudly. Asante looked at Lewa who had a smile on her face. That smile had come to comfort Asante in such a short time.

This whole paragraph has a lot of statements/names. Perhaps you could describe more how Asante feels when Lewa smiles at him?


Is she still like that”, he asked.

Needs a question mark here!

Lewa hears some commotion, “Wait, shhhh.”, she says.

This is a classic case of needing to be really clear with narration. Up until now it's seemed that you are writing in third person limited (so from Asante's perspective) but this sentence switches to a narrator who knows/sees all. How does Asante know Lewa is hearing commotion? Maybe describe the commotion, or have Lewa say she can hear something. Does this make sense?

“Nothing here sir.” One of them says. They close it back up and allow Samir and Adelram on their way. Adelram and another soldier help Samir load the crate into the bottom of the ship.

“Thank you brother always appreciate someone who does honest work”, Adelram says shaking the hand of a the soldier.

“No problem.”, the soldier says.

“Well don't let me keep you”, Adelram says.

Try to think a bit about your dialogue tags. There are so many alternatives to 'says' that you could use to keep this more interesting. In some cases, it can be helpful to the pacing to not even use dialogue tags at all! So for instance in the second example here:
“Thank you brother always appreciate someone who does honest work”. Adelram shakes the hand of a the soldier.
See the change? Yet we still know Adelram is speaking because of the action after the speech. This can be a really effective way of mixing it up!

I agree that the second half of this seems a little rushed and gets confusing. The premise is promising, but try to slow down your pacing and flesh out the story a little more :)
Your characters seem really interesting and I think you did a good job of showing Asante's thoughts at the beginning of this.

I hope this was helpful. Feel free to ask if you have any questions. We also have some wonderful resources around the site to improve different aspects of your writing. If you are interested but don't know where to look then please let me know!

Icy




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Tue Jan 19, 2021 10:40 pm
SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...



Hi Lionhero!

Sorry that I haven't read previous parts, but I'll still try to give some broad input. Let's jump into it~

He had made a good impression and he had someone in all this confusion had made a friend.


Two things. First of all, it was already mentioned earlier in this paragraph that Asante had made a good impression on the person he was talking with, so it's repetitive to say it again. Second of all, this sentence doesn't read very well at all. You're missing some punctuation (like some commas in sentences), but it seems like there was an error in editing because the second half of the sentence is two different ideas pushed together.

I was fairly confused in the second paragraph. I admit that part of this might be because I haven't read previous parts and don't know the names of the characters, but there are also a lot of names thrown together at once. The issue is I don't know if these are characters or are these the names of the horses? For instance, there is this line:

Mandi got pretty close to Asante, heavily sniffing the hay he stood behind, she took a large chunk and chewed loudly.


I didn't know that Mandi was a horse (otherwise this section would be very odd).

“You remind me a lot of her.”, Asante said.


Two things again! I'm not sure who "her" is supposed to be? Again, I'm thinking that there is something in the previous section that relates to this, but it doesn't hurt to drop subtle hints to give the reader context clues. The other thing is I consistently notice that you're not punctuating your dialogue correctly. You don't need to have a period and a comma, you just need the comma when you're writing dialogue. Here are two links you can read that will tell you about common ways to punctuate dialogue: Dialogue Punctuation and Punctuation within Dialogue.

Another issue is that in the beginning there is a lot of dialogue being thrown around, but not a lot of context around it, so it feels like we're just listening to heads talking. As the two are walking around (or riding their horses? I'm still unsure), throw in some details here and there to remind the reader of the surroundings. Before Lewa hears the commotion, talk about the path they're walking down, the possible greenery, or even the ocean, since I believe they're on a dock? If you set up the scene better as the dialogue is going underway, the reader is more engaged and can more easily follow what is going on.

The same can be said for when the two are eavesdropping (I think. Again, I'm not really sure what is happening throughout this section.) Describe how they're hiding, what the surroundings look like, and paint a picture in the reader's mind so they can feel the tension as they're watching the guards talk to Adelram.

I got really lost after the explosion happened. It felt like there were a lot of things happening very quickly, but there wasn't a lot of time or explanation as to what exactly what happening. You did a good job of giving Asante some descriptions, writing things about how he was feeling, how his body was reacting, etc, but I really recommend that you try to slow the scene down a bit. I personally feel like you can break this chapter up into a few different chapters, but doing so would 1) make it more clear to the reader what is happening, 2) engage the reader in the moment, and 3) let the reader connect with the story and the readers more.

Hopefully this was helpful! It seems like you have a good concept, but work on describing the setting some more and also slowing the pacing down a bit so we can spend more time learning about the characters.

Happy writing!
~ Wolfe





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