z
  • Home

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Seekerz Chapter 1.2

by Lionhero333


The day my life changed began unlike any other. But even those smaller crowds often got to be too much for Asante to handle. He wasn't a morning person by any means, but those early mornings before the sun fully emerged he would tend to the stables and the horses in them. The horses seemed to be Asante's true friends, besides one person in particular when it came to people he was always shy and always seemed to do something that left a bad impression on people. So many nights he would cringe as those moments when they came to mind. Meeting and talking to people seemed so pointless to him, he wasn’t good at it anyways, so why try? Most of the day Asante would go without speaking a single word to anyone from customers to his boss Samir. Samir was a heavy set man, as hairy as a wolf and had a big mouth with a slick tongue. As boring as the days were and as demanding his boss was Asante was content His horses had meant the world to him. Grooming them, walking them, bathing them had brought me peace. He was never alone with them around. When he was little Asante’s parents had disappeared without a trace on that same small island. For so long it was him and his older sister, Reneé. In Asante's eyes Reneé was the best of the pair. She was comfortable around people, even stronger and tougher than him. She could hunt and make a fire, climb and collect herbs that weren't poisonous. All Asante could do was cry whenever his sister was too far away. Reneé was always the traveler and the seeker. She would go to the tallest cliffs and stare out into the water and beyond. She never spoke of it but Asante knew his sister wanted something more. On that small island she had to had seen every nook and rock, big and small. Asante's sister had been gone for some time, one day she was gone she left a note promising that she would return soon. But it had been but three and a half years had passed since the note and no one had seen her again. His sister being gone was something that changed Asante. The quiet boy became quieter and with no one to take care of him he had to find work, which lead him to the long-winded Samir.

Asante lived by the edge of a cliff but Reneé would often be and gaze upon the vast openness. On his normal route to work and back home a horse emerged from the bushes. It slightly startled Asante, ”Oh, one of the horses must got out.”, he said to himself. Although horses were his best friendd he knew that when startled they could be dangerous and powerful beasts. Clearing his throat as if to ward off the tight feeling in his chest, Asante turned back around. In front of him stood a tall, shimmering bronze horse. He glanced up at the horse, “I've never seen you before.”, Asante said. Where could this horse have come from, and why did it jump the fence Asante thought. The gelding had black short hair and a white stripe from the bridge of its nose to its tail. The closer he got the more assured the horse wouldn’t whined him off. “There, there lets get you back home-“, the horse jump up and ran back into the forests it had came from. Asante was on the ground his heart pounding. Asante whist, his head felt as if someone had banged it into a tree. He would often get these headaches ever since he was little and they were more often now that he lived by that cliff. He stood up and dusted himself off and followed that horse into the trees.

Asante had lived by this cliff and along this trail for a year. He had built himself a little hut with an upstairs out of tree sticks, straws, and But he had never been one to wonder around. He tripped and stumbled over tree roots, he fell on the ground into mud pots. He tried to clean himself off but it was no use, he just ended up getting more mud on his face. Where was this horse, he wondered, surely it could have not gone far. The bugs had began to feast on Asante’s dirty skin, plucking and nipping at him. Asante smacked himself so much he was sure he would be soar and bruised later. This search for a horse had quickly turned into a walk for survival but Asante was not detrude, he continued on through the muck and buzzing in his ears and then he saw a light. As if the gods had answered a prayer, what did the light mean, he couldn't care all he knew was the was a way out this tall tree hell.

When Asante reached the light he saw a small waterfall. The water continued into a small pool of water, surrounded by flowers and sunshine. Asante had never seen this place before and he was shocked it had been there the entire time. He came closer and saw his clear reflection in the water. For a moment he forgot about the horse, the bugs, the itching, and even the other things that plagued his mind he never spoke of. He felt a breeze on his back and something wet come across his nape. He panicked and fell into the pool. The water so clear and tranquil, now dirty and unsettled. It was the horse that brought him out here. The horse drank from the pool. “Wait, I haven't seen you before.”, at second glance Asante realized this horse wasn't apart of any stable or farms around. It was a shimmery bronze with a white stripe from its nose to its bottom and a stripe on either side right across the belly. It had black short hair and its eyes were a yellow-ish brown.

Slowly, so he didn't scare the horse, Asante lifted his hand to rest it on the gelding's nose. The horse watched him apprehensively with those large eyes of his, but he was considerably less tense then the first time Asante had done that. "What should I call you?”, Asante wondered, “I know how about Lamer.”, Asante said. “Yeah, Lamer I like it. I think that’s a pretty good name for someone to have. Well, do you like it?”, stood and waited for a response from his new friend. He said nothing, but seemed to like it.

Later, Asante had finally arrived at his job. He had put Lamer in one of the stables, fed her and went to find Samir. From the front of Samir's establishment Asante could her Samir speaking to someone. Most of the time he was confident in his bargains. But this time it was more like that one time he was bargaining with Big Monte and Big Monte started smashing the stables. Samir was just out front, Asante snuck and peaked behind the front door through a small crack in the wood. He couldn’t see much, he could see was red hair, long and braided, and someone wearing a hat, both of the people were dressed in black long coats. Something was off as it was the middle of the summer and no one had ever wore something like that before. “Have you seen this person?”, one of them said, it sounded like a woman.

“Think very carefully.”, the other warned, the other was a man.

“No, no, no. I assure you I have not seen them, ever.”, Samir assured.

“Really? Because most say they've been here frequently.”, she said

“No I have never seen them in my life.”, Samir said.

“If your lying to us-“

“I'm not.”, Samir tried to convince them once more.

Who were these people? What did they want? Who did they want and why? What if they return Asante had also thought, what kind of trouble did Samir get into. Was it the same as when he was caught with Mrs. Popo while Mr. Popo was gone on his fishing boat. No, Asante thought this was some different, something serious, whatever trouble he had gotten into it seemed he got himself out of it. Those people didn’t return for the rest of the day. Asante didn’t ask and Samir didn’t tell the day continued like any other

But later that night when it was time for Asante to go home, Samir approached him.

“Asante, let me speak to you for a moment.”, he said

“Sure, what's the matter?”

“I just wanted to catch up with you. How are things?”, Samir asked.

“There good, Mr. Samir.”, Asante replied.

“Sure?”, he asked, “Because if they aren’t you can tell me and we can figure something out.”, he said. Asante didn’t fully understand what Samir was insinuating. He wanted to ask about those two people earlier but kept quiet about his knowledge of the conversation.

“I'm fine.”, Asante said.

“Okay. Just don't do anything stupid. Trust me its not worth it.”, Samir said. “Just have a normal life and grow old. Like me”, Samir chuckled and so did Asante.

“See you tomorrow.”, Asante said as Samir went into his home.

Asante took Lamer out the stables and lead him back home. It had been such a long day and all Asante wanted to do was sleep. Asante's feet were so sore, his legs exhausted. The last horse he tried to ride was Mandi. Built like a tree and as black as an abyss. That fall felt like one from the sky and straight to the ground. He had separated his shoulder and broke one of his fingers, that was two years ago. He hadn't ridden one since. Lamer wasn't too big and seemed calm enough he wouldn't try to buck him off. Asante climb as best as he could, Lamer wouldn't stop walking as he struggled to get a grip on Lamer's fur. Asante slips and falls straight to the ground as Lamer continues on. Asante gets right back up though and tries again. This time he thrusts himself on Lamer's back. He lays there for a minute to catch his breathe. As Lamer continues to walk, Asante slips forward and falls right on his back. The thud sound caused Lamer to turned its head around. Asante got back up and decided to just continue his walk. A gentle breeze drifted through the forest, ruffling Asante's hair. Not that it wasn't already a mess, but he did appreciate the cool draft. Finally he had made it home. Asante turned to Lamer, “Don't go anywhere.”, Asante said. Asante went into his home, his shoulders dropped and he had finally began to relax.

Behind him a tall shadowy figure dropped down from the celling as soft as a feather hitting the ground. Asante stretched and let out a big yawn. The shadowy figure chopped Asante in the back of the neck. Asante fell to the ground, his mouth still slouched open. He hadn't knew what hit him.

When he woke moments later he was upright, tied to a chair in his home upstairs. There were people in his home, he could faintly hear their squabbling as he became more conscious.

“Why would you do that?”, one of them said.

“We need to… look, look, look. He's waking up.”, one of them said with such energy. They came to Asante's eye view, they snapped their fingers and even smacked him in the head.

He had been such a long day and all Asante wanted to do was sleep. Asante's feet were so sore, his legs exhausted. The last horse he tried to ride was Mandi. Built like a tree and as black as an abyss. That fall felt like one from the sky and straight to the ground. He had separated his shoulder and broke one of his fingers, that was two years ago. He hadn't ridden one since. Lamer wasn't too big and seemed calm enough he wouldn't try to buck him off. Asante climb as best as he could, Lamer wouldn't stop walking as he struggled to get a grip on Lamer's fur. Asante slips and falls straight to the ground as Lamer continues on. Asante gets right back up though and tries again. This time he thrusts himself on Lamer's back. He lays there for a minute to catch his breathe. As Lamer continues to walk, Asante slips forward and falls right on his back. The thud sound caused Lamer to turned its head around. Asante got back up and decided to just continue his walk. A gentle breeze drifted through the forest, ruffling Asante's hair. Not that it wasn't already a mess, but he did appreciate the cool draft. Finally he had made it home. Asante turned to Lamer, “Don't go anywhere.”, Asante said. Asante went into his home, his shoulders dropped and he had finally began to relax.

Behind him a tall shadowy figure dropped down from the celling as soft as a feather hitting the ground. Asante stretched and let out a big yawn. The shadowy figure chopped Asante in the back of the neck. Asante fell to the ground, his mouth still slouched open. He hadn't knew what hit him.

When he woke moments later he was upright, tied to a chair in his home upstairs. There were people in his home, he could faintly hear their squabbling as he became more conscious.

“Why would you do that?”, one of them said.

“We need to… look, look, look. He's waking up.”, one of them said with such energy. They came to Asante's eye view, they snapped their fingers and even smacked him in the head.

“What is wrong with you what if he has a concussion?”,

“He's fine he's waking up”, the man said. Asante's vision became clearer and clear. “There you go, mate.”, the man said. Asante looked straight at the man and his heart pounded. He tried to resist their gaze. The man gently held Asante by the chin and told his gaze to his. Asante could tell if these were the people from earlier from their unique clothes. The man’s hair was slicked black and curled at the ends. He had some stubble on his face. He also had a scar on the bridge of his forehead that had faded into his skin. The woman had long red hair made into a braid going down her back. She had green eyes. Both of them had fair skin complexions and they seem to be the same age if not a year or two older than Asante. The man smirked as he kneeled in front of Asante.

“My name is Adelram… this is Lewa.”, he said. Asante couldn’t take the eye contact he tried so hard to keep calm but being in tight spots like this was something that always made him go mad.

“Hey, hey, calm down. Calm down…”, Adelram said.

“Move. You fool.”, Lewa pushed Adelram out the way and untied Asante with a small knife. Asante started to calm down. Lewa bent over closely to Asante. “I’m sorry about him, he can be a hand full.”, Lewa said. Asante looked at Lewa as if she was the most beautiful person he had ever seen. He was lost in her green eyes like a child flocking in the grass fields. He tried to look down to unmeet her eyes but her shirt was slightly open. Asante had never been good at first impressions and his streak wasn’t ending anytime soon.

Lewa pulled out a painting from her pocket. “Have you seen this person before?”, she asked. Asante looked closely at the painting, “Is this… Reneé?”, he asked, “Is this her, where is she, why-what happened to her.”, Asante asked beginning to panic.

“Calm down.”, Lewa said as she gave him comfort.

“She's missing. We are trying to find her.”, Adelram said as he sat on a table eating an apple.

“Gone missing. Where?”. Asante asked. Desperately looking for a satisfying answer.

“We don't know where exactly but we are looking for her…”, Lewa said. “She gave us a clue, it lead us here.”

“To me?”, Asante said as he teared up.

“Yes.”, Lewa said with a comforting smirk. Adelram mocking Asante crying.

Asante couldn’t contain it he started to cry. His sister remembers him. She didn’t abandon him. Those doubts that she left him behind because he slowed her down were false.

“I know this is all crazy and its making you emotional…”, Lewa continued, “I'm sorry I didn’t catch your name.”, Asante stopped his whining. He wiped his eyes and looked at Lewa.

“What?”, he asked.

“Your name, what is it?”, Adelram clarified.

“You don’t know who I am?”

“No, Reneé gave us a specific location. We thought she might escaped here.”, Adelram said

“Did you know her?”, Lewa asked.

“She never mention me?”, Asante asked.

“No”, both Adelram and Lewa replied.

“Why you her boyfriend?”, Adelram said jokingly.

“I'm her little brother.”, Asante said with a hint of distain towards the fact his sister has never mentioned him to her friends. Adelram choked and spit up apple chunks.

“Her brother?”, Lewa said.

“There's no way you just sat there and cried like a little…”, Lewa gave a look to Adelram as a warning, it seems he knows this look very well. “I just mean Reneé is a tough chick and you not so much.”, Adelram said.

“Look, we are getting side tracked”, there are many things at work here, your sister, us, this world is at danger.” Lewa exclaimed.

“What do you mean?”, Asante asked.

“You don't want to know.”, Lewa replied, “we have to find whatever it was that she might have. Some sort of clue.

“There's nothing here.”, Asante said.

“What do you mean?”, Adelram asked.

“Reneé never lived here. This is my own home.”, Asante explained, “ I had this place after Reneé left me.”

Lewa stood up in a fit, “There has to be something here.”, she said.

“There's nothing here.”, Asante said under his breathe.

“Your hiding something.”, Adelram accused.

“No, I'm not “, Asante said uninterested in conversation.

Lewa went upstairs. You could here her turning everything over and then suddenly stop. Adelram and Asante look at each other. They go upstairs with Asante leading. They see Lewa holding a piece of paper. “Did you… did you find something.”, Adelram asked. Lewa turned around, “What's your name?”, she asked.

“Asante… Asante.”, he said trying to swallow the pebble in his throat. “Well Asante Asante, your coming with us.”,

“Wait… What?”, Adelram asked.

A man stood in Asante’s home when armor dark silver with a gold and purple trim and a mask. He had a purple velvet cape and other henchmen with him without capes. They searched and tossed everything over. Who were they? Were they following Adelram and Lewa? The men lit torches and lit Asante's home on fire. The man with the purple velvet cape looked over the cliff, but couldn't see anything. From the bushes Adelram, Lewa, and Asante watched these men destroy Asante's home. Asante just sat there and cried with Adelram and Lewa on either side of him. “Come on, let's go.”, Lewa said leading the way through the trees. 


Is this a review?


  

Comments



Random avatar

Points: 0
Reviews: 156

Donate
Fri Nov 13, 2020 12:19 pm
KatjaDawn wrote a review...



Hey Lionhero333, Katja here to review the next part of your story. As always please feel free to disregard any suggestions I make if you find them unhelpful. Onto the review~

Overall Thoughts

I definitely like that Asante's character is explored in more depth in this part. He seems almost like he wants to be brave and courageous like his sister, yet he is much more sensitive and cowardly than her. It will be interesting to see his character growth throughout this story and see how he improves! The mysterious nature of her disappearance is expanded on in this part, and it turns out she didn't leave without telling him, but left a note that she would be back, but never did come back. In this part, Asante meets a gelding he affectionately names Lamer. I'm curious to see the significance of his introduction going forward. Asante leads the horse home with him, and discovers people dressed strangely questioning Samir. He soon discovers for himself that these people are searching for his sister, after he is attacked by one in his hut and they question him. They take him with them after he reveals he is her brother. Their behavior seems almost nonthreatening but it was confusing that the man knocked him out if that is the case. The story ends with a strange man and his henchmen burning Asante's hut as he and Lewa and Adelram watch from the bushes. Overall I really really enjoyed this part! I love the expansion of Asante's character and how we learn more about his personality, how he is gentle and kind, yet in some ways sensitive and cowardly, where his sister seems to be the complete opposite (despite not yet being present in the story, directly, her character is decently fleshed out which is awesome). I am intrigued by the introduction of Lewa and Adelram, and it will be super cool to see where this goes now that Asante is being taken with them to find his sister!

Suggestions

I noticed that initially you reintroduce Asante and Samir, even re-describing appearances, personality, and Asante's backstory just in a slightly different way than the first part of your story. I actually really like the way you introduced them in this part, as it was much less of just writing the information down, and more naturally flowing. However, then I wonder, was the first chapter just the rough draft to this part, or is this meant to be a continuation? Your description calls this a continuation, so I admit it is a bit confusing coming from the first part.

Also, similarly, there are a few grammar errors, typos, etc that could be fixed with proofreading. I rarely go into that in my reviews, but one error I noticed reoccurred throughout the dialogue in this part and the previous part, so I'll point it out. When you tag dialogue, you'll put the comma inside the quotations to end the dialogue before the tag, not after the quotations. If you write a question or don't use a tag at the end of a dialogue, then it doesn't need a comma at all. An example from your story would be:

“Okay. Just don't do anything stupid. Trust me its not worth it.”, Samir said. “Just have a normal life and grow old. Like me”, Samir chuckled and so did Asante.

“See you tomorrow.”, Asante said as Samir went into his home.


which would look like this...

“Okay. Just don't do anything stupid. Trust me its not worth it,” Samir said. “Just have a normal life and grow old. Like me,” Samir chuckled and so did Asante.

“See you tomorrow,” Asante said as Samir went into his home.


Here is a resource that goes in depth on what I mean:
https://thewritelife.com/dialogue-tags/

Another thng I noticed is POV switching. At the beginning, the first sentence is from Asante's POV, and the second sentence is third person POV.

The day my life changed began unlike any other. But even those smaller crowds often got to be too much for Asante to handle.


& in most of the story it is told from a past tense POV, and in other areas it switches to present tense. Here is an example from the same paragraph on what I mean.

Asante took Lamer out the stables and lead him back home. It had been such a long day and all Asante wanted to do was sleep.

Asante gets right back up though and tries again. This time he thrusts himself on Lamer's back. He lays there for a minute to catch his breathe.


Lastly there was a repeated paragraph after the part where Asante is attacked at his hut. It goes back into the part about Mandi and his attempting to ride Lamer. I highly recommend proofreading to catch any POV/Tense inconsistencies as well as typos/grammar errors in the future.

That is all I have for suggestions! Like last time, I hope my suggestions were helpful and explained well!


Final Thoughts

I really enjoyed this part of your story and how well you expanded on the characters and backstory. I particularly enjoyed the part where Asante meets Lamer. It shows Asante as gentle yet determined. I also really liked the new characters and I look forward to seeing how this plays out now that he is with people who seem to have known his sister and he is now with them to find her. Looking forward to reading your next part! :)

Keep Writing,

~Katja




User avatar
33 Reviews

Points: 2189
Reviews: 33

Donate
Thu Nov 12, 2020 2:35 pm
Ave38 wrote a review...



This is great! I love the new characters you've introduced.
I'm a little bit confused. Did you switch perspectives? You started off with "The day my life changed began unlike any other." which seems a little disconnected from the rest of it.
Then I would just go back over this for smaller errors, like you're/your, commas, periods you may have missed, and run-ons.
"Lewa stood up in a fit, “There has to be something here.”, she said." Instead of a period after here, you would just put a comma because you had a speech tag.
Other than that, this seems good. I can't wait to see this next part!





There are some things you can't share without ending up liking each other, and knocking out a twelve-foot mountain troll is one of them.
— J.K. Rowling