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E - Everyone

Seekerz Chapter 2.1

by Lionhero333


Adelram watched the fire, the wood crackle and collapse. Lewa comes from the shadows, she looks over at Asante whose curled up and seems asleep.

“I set the traps, also patrolled just to be safe they seem to be gone.” She says. “That small boat we used to get here won't be any help, they're going to guard the docks like hawks.”

“We shouldn't bring him.”, Adelram said softly. “Why is he with us?”, he asked.

“If you've been paying any attention his home was destroyed, he doesn't have many options.”, Lewa responded softly making sure not to wake Asante.

“You know what we do. He's going to slow us down.”

“Its her brother. Reneé's brother”, she stressed.

Lewa shows Adelram a note she found.

“What is that? There's nothing on there.”, he says.

“Follow me”, Lewa told him. The two left the camp fire and went to a moonlit spotlight amongst the trees.

“Hold it up.”, Lewa instructed.

Adelram held the paper up high in the sky. A white glowing writing shows up.

“What the-“, he says, confused.

“You see?”, Lewa asked

Adelram looked back Lewa and crumbled the paper and pushed it into Lewa's chest. Lewa was surprised by Adelram's reaction to the note.

“She left this for us.”, Lewa exclaimed.

“With her brother whom she never spoke off on the edge of the world?”, Adelram said angrily. “Lets face it, Reneé wasn't the smartest or else she wouldn't have got caught.”, Adelram says.

“Are you serious? She saved your ass at least ten times and you talk like that.”, Lewa said.

“We can't keep him.” Adelram says. “Its too dangerous with the Empures after us. We left sometime ago and they have already found us.”, Adelram said worryingly.

“So you suggest we give up, is that it?”, Lewa asked with her arms folded.

“No, I-“

“No. Good. Because I still believe in her.”, Lewa assured. “…You know your better thinking on your feet, that takes faith. So why don't you keep on doing that and show some.”, Lewa said. She walked back to camp, clutching a pendant. Adelram was a ways behind her.

When morning came Asante woke hoping to everything was a dream. Loud chirping birds, the hard ground he laid upon was indicator that last night was reality. His life had been turned around. He whipped his eyes and say someone towering over him.

“Your awake. Good.”, Lewa said.

“Ouch, why does my back hurt?”, Asante asked.

“You did sleep on the ground. You'll get used to it.” Lewa said, “Also I kicked you.”, Lewa chuckled.

Asante stood up as his bones cracked with every movement. The first thing on his mind was his sister, Reneé. Why did she leave, and what did she get herself into. Whatever it was it wasn't anything good. And why did she leave a note. She returned and didn't even say hello or goodbye. She left him once more and he didn't know. It took a stranger for this truth to come to life. What did that note say and mean? Why would Reneé leave a note knowing full well Asante would overthink it? These were questions possibly only she could answer, for now Asante kept his sights on the day ahead.

“Where is Adelram”, Asante asked.

“He's scouting. Were leaving.”, Lewa says as she crept out the forest and Asante followed.

“Leaving?”, A asked.

“Well we can't just stay here.”, Lewa says as she continues. She looks back at a timid Asante. She walks over to him and places her hands on his shoulders. “I know that your scared but I promise you'll be safer with us.”, Lewa assured.

“I don't have a choice do I?”

“No not much.”, Lewa responded.

“But I have a job, my horses, and I'm not brave, you guys seem really brave and all, I don’t do good with other people and-“, Lewa places her finger on Asante's mouth stopping him from speaking a mile a minute.

“The world is a scary place. But one way or another it brings itself to you, and now its here Asante”, she says, “What are you going to do?”, Lewa continued. “Follow me.”

“Okay.”, Asante said.

Asante and Lewa had made it to the village, guards were posted at the main entrance. And another patrolling the trail.

“Well we need another way in.”, Lewa says.

“Wait, where is my horse?”, Asante asked.

“Your thinking of a horse right now? We need a way out of here.”, Lewa said.

“Hey.”, Adelram says as he sneaked behind them. Asante almost screams out but Adelram covers his mouth.

“Relax.”, Adelram says.

“Sorry”, Asante says.

The guard patrolling the trail takes notice of a noise and approaches the woods with his sword drawn. Lewa takes Asante by the hand and guides him to a place to hide. They hide behind a bush and Adelram hides behind a tree.

“Anyone there?.”, The guard says. “Anyone. Show yourself.”, He says.

“Stay here.” Lewa says to Asante. He nods his head yes.

Lewa stands up from the bushes.

“You.”, the guard says. But before he can make another move Adelram quickly disarms him and kicks him in the back of the leg, dropping him to one knee. Adelram puts him in a chokehold. Then, with a quick thrust of strength, Adelram twists, the guard drops right to the ground.

“That was close.”, Adelram says.

“Good work. I got an idea.”, Lewa says. Asante comes from behind the bush and sees the guard flat on the ground.

“Is he dead?”, Asante asks.

“Yes.”, Adelram says bluntly. Lewa gives him a look. “Oh, I'm sorry he's sleeping.”, Adelram sarcastically says.

“No he's not”, Asante says.

“What? Of course bot he's dead.”, Adelram says.

“This is something we have to do.”

“Murder.”

“Yes, murder, rob, and live in hiding.”, Adelram explains

“It was either us or him and it can't be us.”, Lewa stresses. “Just trust us.”, she says.

As hard as it may have been to do so, Asante knew he had no choice. They knew were his sister was and he had questions that needed answers.

“Now we need a way out”, Lewa said.

“Well too said you have an idea.” Adelram replied.

“Yes but, Asante you talked about horses earlier, you’re a stable hand?”, she asked.

“Yeah I am.”, he confirmed.

“You work for that man? Sticky.”, Adelram asked as he took the guards armor off.

“Samir”, Asante corrected.

“I have a better idea.”, Lewa said.

“What is it?”

“Adelram get that amour off, tour wearing it.”, she told him.

“Why do I have to always wear the dead guy armor.”, Adelram complained.

“If there are horses on this island then there's some sort of transport.” Lewa explained, “Me and Asante can hide in the crates and we hop on a ship and we head for the East Mainland.”

“That plan sounds so boring, there's no violence at all.”, Adelram said.

“Its good enough for me.” Asante says.

Later, they arrive at the stable. Samir turns around and jumps when he sees Adelram.

“Hello, Stokey.”, Adelram quickly approaches Samir wearing the guard’s armor. He grabs Samir by the collar and pulls his fist. Lewa and Asante come in after him.

“Please, there he is. Take him, take the kid he's het sister please don't hurt me.”, Samir says begging for his safety.

“We got him already now we need a favor.”, Adelram says.

“He tells us you have a boat, used to transport horses.”, Lewa explains.

“I do, I do, yes.”, Samir says.

“We need it.”, Lewa says.

“You can have it.”, Sticky says.

“Well that was easy.”, Adelram says with a smile on his face.

They took three horses and put them in tall, wide crates. They filled them with moat of the straw Samir had in the stables. Asante was still down about his horse, Lamer being gone. He saw Adelram giving Mandi; the large beast that thwarted him last year a grooming.

“Be careful with her, she's dangerous.”, Asante warned.

“Dangerous. I like it”, Adelram smirked.

Asante looked on and there he was, his horse, the bronze horse he had quickly fell for. Though the separation brief the reunion was like two long lost friends had found each other. Asante rushed to Lamer and guided him to the crates and feed him as everyone prepared themselves for the worst.

“Asante, are you ready?”, Lewa asks.

“Yeah. Do I have to get in?”, Asante asks.

“Yes. Its to keep you safe. Once were gone we'll be okay.

“Its just I don't Mandi likes me very much.”, Asante explains.

Lewa laughs, “The horse? Which one?”, she asks.

“The black one.”, he says.

“She looks like a sweet thing.”, Lewa says. Lewa reaches her hand through the crates to rub Mandi's snout.

“She knocked me off last year, hurts really bad.”, Asante explained.

“You'll be fine.”, Lewa said as she smiled to Asante.

“You chose, Dalley”, Asante said. Dalley was a calm horse, she was tan with blonde hair and hand a orange-ish colored fur on her holves.

“Yeah. You named all the horses?”, she asked.

“Yeah… don't laugh but their kind've my friends.”, Asante said with a nervous chuckle.

“Well if they are a friend of my friend, then their friends of mine too.” Lewa said.


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Thu Nov 19, 2020 5:23 pm
KatjaDawn wrote a review...



Hey Lionhero333! Katja here to review the next part of your story! As always please feel free to disregard any and all comments/suggestions I make should you find them unhelpful. Onto the review~

Overall Thoughts

The paragraph and dialogue breaks are waaayyy better and easier to read in this part. Well done! I really enjoyed this third part and the expansion of the characters, particularly Lewa and Adelram. Lewa seems very gentle, considerate, and compassionate where Adelram comes off as brutish, reckless, and blunt. I like how their characters balance one another out so well and the dynamic with Asante added is certainly interesting to read! It will also be very interesting to see what happens after they leave the island now that they have a boat and horses. Especially with Asante, who seemingly has never experienced the outside world. I particularly liked the way you wrapped this part up with Lewa's line, which shows her as being very kind to Asante, and not at all judgmental. I like her character a lot!

Suggestions

I notice there is still issues with dialogue tags in this part. In some areas you use periods to end dialogue with a tag and a comma outside of the quotations, and in others you don't use any punctuation, or use a question mark and put a comma outside of the quotations with a tag.

When tagging a dialogue, which is anytime you do "she said, he said" etc., you will use a comma inside the quotation marks, with the exception of when you use exclamation points, question marks, or no dialogue tag at all (in which case you'll use the regular punctuation associated with the dialogue). The only time a comma is used outside of the dialogue quotations, is when the tag is before the dialogue. For example [ Lisa said, "I hope you're doing well!" ]

I'm going to pick out a few examples from your story to really show you what I mean.

“I set the traps, also patrolled just to be safe they seem to be gone.” She says.

In this case, the period would be replaced with a comma because you use a dialogue tag. Also, she says will be lower cased.
“I set the traps, also patrolled just to be safe they seem to be gone,Sshe says.


“We shouldn't bring him.”, Adelram said softly. “Why is he with us?”, he asked.

In this case the first period will be replaced with a comma, and the comma outside of the quotations is removed. The second comma outside of the quotations is removed since a quotation mark is all that is needed in that part.
“We shouldn't bring him,” Adelram said softly. “Why is he with us?” he asked.


“If you've been paying any attention his home was destroyed, he doesn't have many options.”, Lewa responded softly...

In this case the period will be replaced with a comma, and the comma outside of the quotations will be removed.
“If you've been paying any attention his home was destroyed, he doesn't have many options,” Lewa responded softly...


“Its her brother. Reneé's brother”, she stressed.

In this case the lack of punctuation will be replaced with a comma and the comma outside of the quotations will be removed. (and a side note, if you use "Its" here it will be "It's" in order to be correct. Though, I feel like since she is referring to a person, Asante, "That's" may sound better- purely opinion, though).

“It's her brother. Reneé's brother,” she stressed.


I used more examples to hopefully show what I mean better than previously. Just in case you didn't get a chance to check out the resource I posted on my previous review, on dialogue tags, here it is again:
https://thewritelife.com/dialogue-tags/

Secondly, you sometimes switch between present and past tense. For example, in the very first two sentences, Adelram "watched" the fire and then Lewa "comes" over and "looks" at Asante. This happens off and on throughout the story, I suggest going back and correcting any inconsistencies in tenses. It would also help to proofread to correct these areas + correcting grammar errors and typos, like the ones mentioned by the previous reviewer.

That's all I have for suggestions!


Final Thoughts

This was a fine continuation to the story and focused a lot on the dynamic between Adelram, Lewa, And Asante. I rather enjoyed learning more about each character and getting to know them and care about them. I'm really enjoying this story so far and i'm looking forward to your next part! Well done and I hope my review was helpful~

Keep Writing,

~Katja




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Mon Nov 16, 2020 3:46 pm
Ave38 wrote a review...



I like how you characterized Lewa and Adelram! This new chapter was super interesting. I did spot a few mistakes.
"“I set the traps, also patrolled just to be safe they seem to be gone.” She says." You would have a comma after gone, because you used a dialogue tag. I also noticed that you tended to do something like .", which you don't need the comma, and the period should be a comma.
You also switched tenses sometimes, going from says, which is present, to said and exclaimed, which is past.
"“Your awake. Good.”, Lewa said" Your would be you're.
You also mixed up they're and their a few times, like " but their kind've my friends." Their would be they're.
Other than that you just had some minor spelling errors. This seems pretty good.
Keep going! I can't wait to see what you do next!





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Who overcomes by force, hath overcome but half his foe.
— John Milton (Poet)