Hey Lionhero333! Katja here to review the next part of your story! As always please feel free to disregard any and all comments/suggestions I make should you find them unhelpful. Onto the review~
Overall Thoughts
The paragraph and dialogue breaks are waaayyy better and easier to read in this part. Well done! I really enjoyed this third part and the expansion of the characters, particularly Lewa and Adelram. Lewa seems very gentle, considerate, and compassionate where Adelram comes off as brutish, reckless, and blunt. I like how their characters balance one another out so well and the dynamic with Asante added is certainly interesting to read! It will also be very interesting to see what happens after they leave the island now that they have a boat and horses. Especially with Asante, who seemingly has never experienced the outside world. I particularly liked the way you wrapped this part up with Lewa's line, which shows her as being very kind to Asante, and not at all judgmental. I like her character a lot!
Suggestions
I notice there is still issues with dialogue tags in this part. In some areas you use periods to end dialogue with a tag and a comma outside of the quotations, and in others you don't use any punctuation, or use a question mark and put a comma outside of the quotations with a tag.
When tagging a dialogue, which is anytime you do "she said, he said" etc., you will use a comma inside the quotation marks, with the exception of when you use exclamation points, question marks, or no dialogue tag at all (in which case you'll use the regular punctuation associated with the dialogue). The only time a comma is used outside of the dialogue quotations, is when the tag is before the dialogue. For example [ Lisa said, "I hope you're doing well!" ]
I'm going to pick out a few examples from your story to really show you what I mean.
“I set the traps, also patrolled just to be safe they seem to be gone.” She says.
In this case, the period would be replaced with a comma because you use a dialogue tag. Also, she says will be lower cased.
“I set the traps, also patrolled just to be safe they seem to be gone,”Sshe says.
“We shouldn't bring him.”, Adelram said softly. “Why is he with us?”, he asked.
In this case the first period will be replaced with a comma, and the comma outside of the quotations is removed. The second comma outside of the quotations is removed since a quotation mark is all that is needed in that part.
“We shouldn't bring him,” Adelram said softly. “Why is he with us?” he asked.
“If you've been paying any attention his home was destroyed, he doesn't have many options.”, Lewa responded softly...
In this case the period will be replaced with a comma, and the comma outside of the quotations will be removed.
“If you've been paying any attention his home was destroyed, he doesn't have many options,” Lewa responded softly...
“Its her brother. Reneé's brother”, she stressed.
In this case the lack of punctuation will be replaced with a comma and the comma outside of the quotations will be removed. (and a side note, if you use "Its" here it will be "It's" in order to be correct. Though, I feel like since she is referring to a person, Asante, "That's" may sound better- purely opinion, though).
“It's her brother. Reneé's brother,” she stressed.
I used more examples to hopefully show what I mean better than previously. Just in case you didn't get a chance to check out the resource I posted on my previous review, on dialogue tags, here it is again:
https://thewritelife.com/dialogue-tags/
Secondly, you sometimes switch between present and past tense. For example, in the very first two sentences, Adelram "watched" the fire and then Lewa "comes" over and "looks" at Asante. This happens off and on throughout the story, I suggest going back and correcting any inconsistencies in tenses. It would also help to proofread to correct these areas + correcting grammar errors and typos, like the ones mentioned by the previous reviewer.
That's all I have for suggestions!
Final Thoughts
This was a fine continuation to the story and focused a lot on the dynamic between Adelram, Lewa, And Asante. I rather enjoyed learning more about each character and getting to know them and care about them. I'm really enjoying this story so far and i'm looking forward to your next part! Well done and I hope my review was helpful~
Keep Writing,
~Katja
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Reviews: 156
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