Hey Lionhero333, Katja here to review your story. As always please feel free to disregard any suggestions I make if you find them unhelpful. Onto the review~
Overall Thoughts
I like what you have so far! Chapter one introduces us to the characters and very vaguely to the world they are in. I like the characters so far and the story as a whole so far. From what I gathered from your first chapter, a boy named Asante and his sister Renee went to a farm to live with a man named Samir. Shortly after arriving, for an unknown reason, Renee leaves without a word leaving Asante, three years later, to feel both worried for her and bitter toward her. The local village people seem to dislike/fear Asante, calling him a forest child, demon, and accusing him of killing his sister. Asante confides in Samir and the two appear to bond. The first chapter ends with Asante learning more about the world beyond the island they live on and Asante concludes what he is learning has something to do with his sister leaving.
Suggestions
My biggest suggestion is breaking up your paragraphs. Right now the information, dialogue, and transition in your story is stuck together in clunks. This makes it harder for the reader to digest and enjoy the story. Especially when it comes to dialogue, keep in mind that new speakers should be separated and not kept together. A good example from your story on what I mean:
“Do you believe it? Do you think we are demons?”, I asked him. He looked into my eyes and smiled, and said, “No… But let me ask you something? What do you remember of your parents and your life?”, he asked. “What Renee told me… I had a fever that lasted very long, it even overtook my parents… I don’t remember anything from before that. All I remember his here eyes and her voice.” I told him.
And how it could be improved:
“Do you believe it? Do you think we are demons?”, I asked him.
He looked into my eyes and smiled, and said, “No… But let me ask you something? What do you remember of your parents and your life?”, he asked.
“What Renee told me… I had a fever that lasted very long, it even overtook my parents… I don’t remember anything from before that. All I remember his here eyes and her voice.” I told him.
Here is a great resource for breaking paragraphs & common mistakes made that go more in depth on what I mean:
https://www.helpingwritersbecomeauthors ... ph-breaks/
https://www.helpingwritersbecomeauthors ... -mistakes/
Secondly, the story seems to jump around in some areas and in one case the POV is inconsistent. The last paragraph starts out almost like it's meant to be the beginning of the story. From a narrator's perspective it explains the island and the "young boy named Asante" and then goes right back to Asante's POV only a few lines later. I highly recommend proofreading your story to recheck for POV inconsistencies and potential areas that don't flow naturally with your story (for example, the end sounds more like an introduction to the story as we are already at the end of chapter one which fleshed out Asante, yet it re-introduces him and names him). Proofreading will also help to weed out typos, grammar errors, etc- which there were a few of but I won't go in depth with in my review unless asked to do so.
My last suggestion is on character description and information. Samir in the beginning is described in detail, yet I feel like it would have been better to show us instead of tell us. Through interactions with him, perhaps, as even in this part we learn he has a big voice and hearty laugh, but we are told this without any kind of scene playing out. This would have been a great place to show the two interacting in some way, and have Samir talk and laugh, and describe that through his dialogue. His physical appearance, much in the same way, was simply told when it would have been so much more memorable if done so through interaction of some sort.
Here are some great resources on descriptions, information dumping, and "show dont tell":
https://www.almostanauthor.com/dos-dont ... haracters/
https://www.helpingwritersbecomeauthors ... kes-pt-50/
https://jerryjenkins.com/show-dont-tell/
That's all I have for suggestions! I know that seemed like a lot, but I try my best to give explanation and examples on my suggestions + resources to help expand on what I am trying to explain when applicable. I hope my suggestions were helpful!
Final Thoughts
Your story has a great concept and pretty cool characters so far and I am looking forward to seeing how this story plays out. Especially in regards to Asante and Renee, why she left without telling him, and what the significance of Asante being called a demon has on his character and parents. I look forward to reading more of your work!
Keep Writing,
~Katja
Points: 0
Reviews: 156
Donate