z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Seekerz Book 1

by Lionhero333


(this is a rough draft... Please be gentle)

Every day, I am surrounded by people but I feel more alone than I ever have. Almost three years ago, I was sent to work on a farm for a man named Samir in a Village east of the island. His name is Samir, he is big and slightly tall, his gut is large and his hearty laugh and voice is just as big. Samir was the first man I had ever met, he is oily and skin like bronze, and thick black hair all over his body and two large coiled bushes growing out of his head and face. At first, I thought he was our father, but his hair was a light brown in the sun and mine and my sister’s was a deep black no matter day or night. Me and my sister had never left the forest until that day before she brought me to the farm. I was running in the forest, happily and got lost. I had began to cry as I always do and before I could run back to find her she was there to bring me into her arms. Most nights… even when I wasn’t scared she would sing to me. Her voice like the prosonification of light. In the night, the humming sound of bugs and in the morning, the chirping of birds would be drowned out and nothing mattered but her voice and nothing was more calming and reassuring than her voice. But this night, there was no soothing voice, no holding me in her arms. As we laid in our home, a home that had stood here so long the trees and grass surrounding it had swallowed them and it looked like a hill. She woke me, something she had never donw, she would always wait till I woke up on my own. She walked me to the village, I had never seen so many people, and my sister, how did she know they were here? As we walked the streets, some other children even knew her name. Most mumbled to themselves and just stared at us. The stare they gave was not a stare I had ever seen before. It wasn’t like an animal ready to eat its prey, filled with ambition and a task to fulfill, more like fear, which was something I had come accustomed to feeling but never knew how it looked, and hatred.

Its been almost three years since Samir allowed me to work on his farm. Not long after my sister brought me, she left. Sometimes I would pretend to go home and sleep in someone’s vineyard. They had realized their grapes were getting low and started to patrol their crop at night. After that, I started to go back to the forest, most of the time becoming too scared to realize what direction I was going in and just trying to get out. Those nights, I slept on the hardened ground and cried myself to sleep. Now, I stay in the stables with the horses on Samir’s farm. The first time he caught me the first time I did so. He said I could sleep with him in his home but I decided not to. One morning the kids who worked for Samir came and saw me sleeping on the hay. They laughed at me and called me weird, “Ew… you selpt here?”, one said shocked at my presence there. “It reeks in here… what is wrong with you?”, another asked. I could say nothing, I never said much. Why would I, people had already made up their minds about me and so did I about them.

Over time those kids got tired of coming to the farm and grew even more exhausted of laughing at me. My once nervous smile turned to an indefinantly stiff and lifeless face, void of any emotion when anyone was around. But, when I was with the horses I felt happy. They never tried to make me feel bad or different in such a bad way, and they never abandoned me. Before they left, the other kids would play games and laugh in a good way, like my sister would make me feel and looking at them brought me a warm feeling. Now its nothing, me and Samir and his tall tales of women in the village and stories he plucks from the sky. One day, I decided to ask him why do those kids hate me so much. “What do you mean… they don’t hate you Asante.”, he said softly and he hardly ever said anything softly, and I was even more shocked he knew my name and didn’t called me “boy”, or “hay-kid”. I could easily tell he was lying and he knew what I had meant but chose to act like I was pulling something from nowhere. “Why do they hate me and why do the people look at me like that?” I asked, “A lady speaking with others in the market, called me the forest child… a demon… they-they think I killed my sister.”, I was fed up, that warm loving feeling had turned sour and into a true flame that would cover my body and fill my lungs with smoke, tighting my throat and causing my eyes to water.

Samir sat beside me on a stool in the stables and told me of the tale that surrounds the forest. This was not one of his lies, this was something true, or at least he believed in. He told me of the men and women who were killed and for a long time no one was allowed to enter the forest and yet me and my sister emerged one day. I remember all the stories my sister told meof our parents, this-this morbid truth they hold near and dear to their hearts and minds to be self evident, had to be false. “Do you believe it? Do you think we are demons?”, I asked him. He looked into my eyes and smiled, and said, “No… But let me ask you something? What do you remember of your parents and your life?”, he asked. “What Renee told me… I had a fever that lasted very long, it even overtook my parents… I don’t remember anything from before that. All I remember his here eyes and her voice.” I told him.

Things between me and Samir never changed after that. He knew he could always find me in the stables tending to the horses. Whoever he would put to work to earn some money or lost a bet and couldn’t pay him he made work far away from me and it wasn’t like they had a problem with it anyways. He would come and talk to me and when people would see it was me he was talking to they would leave abruptly. I would talk to the horses until my mouth dried and my tongue felt like gravel. I mostly talked to them about me and Renee or repeated a Samir tale they had heard before. There were two I spent the most time with, there was Darlis, white fur with a flowery rose mane that was loosely curled, she was small but fast and would go into fits if you didn’t clean her and brush her to her liking. Then Rook, who was the largest horse in the stable, someone tried to buy the horse from Samir but he refused just for me. He has a white strip down from its nose all the way to its back and down to its belly, long mane that shimmered blue in the sun and even longer than Darlis’. The reason it takes so long to tend to him is because he’s too big and also because he won’t budge much, cleaning his hooves and washing his back is the most draining and turns my arms into crushed grapes to make the finest of wine.

If I remember correctly, its almost the day I started working here three years ago and they day Renee left me. She left me nothing and hasn’t tried to write, where ever she is I hope she’s okay. I always feel ashamed but I cant help but feel that warmness turn into a flame once more when I think of how she left me. I think often and wonder was it because of me she left. There was a star in her eyes, it felt like hope, but I never knew what I was hoping for, maybe it was something else. She had always been the adventurous one, her golden brown eyes were always facing the sun to take in its embrace and move forward and even comeback to guide me with her soft an gentle hand. I love her, but as much as I try to say it with a smile the meaning if the words don’t change, she abandoned me, left me here on this island to fend for myself. I hope one day, I learn why.

Faress Island was a small island off the southeast coast of the mainland. Known for its farms and fishing boats, far away It isn’t much but the people make it their home. Amongst them is a young boy, his name is Asante a young stable hand. He's a quiet boy who always busiest when the sun was at it's fullest. Not that Faress Island was ever that busy it was quiet and most of the time it seemed that time itself stood still. if you lived on the mainlands you wouldn’t know it existed. Although it had some reputable farms in the surrounding areas and even a vinyard, it wasn't exactly a place people came, nor people who left the island, except ofr my sister who hadn’t returned. In fact, I had never heard of people coming to Faress. I had heard of someone called, a Basileus. Someone who rules all the land. Reading was not something I had needed in the forest, gathering food and wood for fire was something that didn’t require words or they’re understanding. There were texted written on paper made by a select few that knew how to make it, and as away of learning, it was the children’s task to read, and re-write the text for further understanding. I had stole some scribes and asked Samir to help me learn from them. Overtime I learned that there was a world behind this island and in a way grew closer to realizing why my sister left.


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Reviews: 156

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Thu Nov 12, 2020 4:53 pm
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KatjaDawn wrote a review...



Hey Lionhero333, Katja here to review your story. As always please feel free to disregard any suggestions I make if you find them unhelpful. Onto the review~

Overall Thoughts

I like what you have so far! Chapter one introduces us to the characters and very vaguely to the world they are in. I like the characters so far and the story as a whole so far. From what I gathered from your first chapter, a boy named Asante and his sister Renee went to a farm to live with a man named Samir. Shortly after arriving, for an unknown reason, Renee leaves without a word leaving Asante, three years later, to feel both worried for her and bitter toward her. The local village people seem to dislike/fear Asante, calling him a forest child, demon, and accusing him of killing his sister. Asante confides in Samir and the two appear to bond. The first chapter ends with Asante learning more about the world beyond the island they live on and Asante concludes what he is learning has something to do with his sister leaving.

Suggestions

My biggest suggestion is breaking up your paragraphs. Right now the information, dialogue, and transition in your story is stuck together in clunks. This makes it harder for the reader to digest and enjoy the story. Especially when it comes to dialogue, keep in mind that new speakers should be separated and not kept together. A good example from your story on what I mean:

“Do you believe it? Do you think we are demons?”, I asked him. He looked into my eyes and smiled, and said, “No… But let me ask you something? What do you remember of your parents and your life?”, he asked. “What Renee told me… I had a fever that lasted very long, it even overtook my parents… I don’t remember anything from before that. All I remember his here eyes and her voice.” I told him.


And how it could be improved:

“Do you believe it? Do you think we are demons?”, I asked him.

He looked into my eyes and smiled, and said, “No… But let me ask you something? What do you remember of your parents and your life?”, he asked.

“What Renee told me… I had a fever that lasted very long, it even overtook my parents… I don’t remember anything from before that. All I remember his here eyes and her voice.” I told him.


Here is a great resource for breaking paragraphs & common mistakes made that go more in depth on what I mean:
https://www.helpingwritersbecomeauthors ... ph-breaks/
https://www.helpingwritersbecomeauthors ... -mistakes/

Secondly, the story seems to jump around in some areas and in one case the POV is inconsistent. The last paragraph starts out almost like it's meant to be the beginning of the story. From a narrator's perspective it explains the island and the "young boy named Asante" and then goes right back to Asante's POV only a few lines later. I highly recommend proofreading your story to recheck for POV inconsistencies and potential areas that don't flow naturally with your story (for example, the end sounds more like an introduction to the story as we are already at the end of chapter one which fleshed out Asante, yet it re-introduces him and names him). Proofreading will also help to weed out typos, grammar errors, etc- which there were a few of but I won't go in depth with in my review unless asked to do so.

My last suggestion is on character description and information. Samir in the beginning is described in detail, yet I feel like it would have been better to show us instead of tell us. Through interactions with him, perhaps, as even in this part we learn he has a big voice and hearty laugh, but we are told this without any kind of scene playing out. This would have been a great place to show the two interacting in some way, and have Samir talk and laugh, and describe that through his dialogue. His physical appearance, much in the same way, was simply told when it would have been so much more memorable if done so through interaction of some sort.

Here are some great resources on descriptions, information dumping, and "show dont tell":
https://www.almostanauthor.com/dos-dont ... haracters/
https://www.helpingwritersbecomeauthors ... kes-pt-50/
https://jerryjenkins.com/show-dont-tell/

That's all I have for suggestions! I know that seemed like a lot, but I try my best to give explanation and examples on my suggestions + resources to help expand on what I am trying to explain when applicable. I hope my suggestions were helpful! :)

Final Thoughts

Your story has a great concept and pretty cool characters so far and I am looking forward to seeing how this story plays out. Especially in regards to Asante and Renee, why she left without telling him, and what the significance of Asante being called a demon has on his character and parents. I look forward to reading more of your work!

Keep Writing,

~Katja




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Thu Nov 12, 2020 2:19 pm
Ave38 wrote a review...



This is a very interesting premise! This world seems very mysterious.
"prosonification" You would spell this as personification.
"She left me nothing and hasn’t tried to write, where ever she is I hope she’s okay." I would put a period after write, and make the next part its own sentence. Wherever is also just one word.
"Faress Island was a small island off the southeast coast of the mainland. Known for its farms and fishing boats, far away It isn’t much but the people make it their home." I think you meant to put a period before it.
"I had heard of someone called, a Basileus." You would not have a comma in this sentence.
Other than that, I would probably just go over it for small grammatical and spelling errors, run-ons, and things like that.
I did find some of this slightly hard to understand, so I would probably go back and make sure it doesn't jump around too much.
I really loved the description of his sister's voice! I can almost hear it now!
Other than that, this seems really good, especially for a rough draft!





Poetry is the art of creating imaginary gardens with real toads.
— Marianne Moore