I’ve learned so much giving the time to people on the streets. Each day brings in something new, as if the world is putting handmade candies on the conveyor belt of life: each unique from all other things, but that they are all things. Things that happen. Things that are real. Things that leave a taste in your mouth, one way or another. We know so little of the things we care most about. It’s why I withheld my tongue when I saw you, sir, marching down the pavement with your briefcase in hand, the tie waving from the inside of your pocket. Immediately I could feel the urge to lean over and pull it out, overpowering me like the smell of familiar aftershave and soap. I wanted to loop it around your neck and demand you wear it properly. So much so that, when you asked me the time, I failed my duty; the years had slipped from my fingers and with it went the months, days and hours between when I last held a tie and now. I watched your back push past me, recede, fade, searching for someone else with a watch. I watched you until you were nothing at all. And then I went home, and I made dinner, and I spent another Chinese New Year fatherless.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,005 Literary Works • 672,794 Reviews
Hello, foxmaster here for a review!
oooh, this is really good, I have to say. The ending was really good, and I feel like it closed up this pretty well.
However, I feel like you squished all this into one big paragraph, making it rather hard to read and I often found myself losing my place here, and not really understanding this.
As well written as this was, and as much as the ending was good, the middle part didn't really get the point across to me, and I found myself finally going "Ohhhhh! Ok," when I finished this, and I had to reread it a few times to get it a lot better.
happy writing,
-Foxmaster
Thanks for the review!
Yup! %uD83D%uDE00
Salutations, curious mind!
Rinisha here, ready to dive into the pages of this intriguing story. 📚!
Buckle up, 'cause we're diving into my review magic! ✨
The Good Stuff:
First of all, let's talk about the parts that really rocked!
I love the variation between long and short sentences. The little detail at the end really caught me, I just wanted to cradle it in my arms and tell it everything is going to be alright. You have a smooth writing style and amazing content. Awesome job!
Areas to Improve:✒️
In the beginning when you start talking about how she’s learned so much giving the time to people on the street, you should try and do more “showing” rather than “telling”.
Try and maybe start a bit with what she’s is doing
Before:
After:
~~~
Before:
After:
Nailed It!💐
This line is the one that actually shows the pain that the person feels as her/his father walks past without even recognizing or doing something. It really grabbed me, nailed it!
Overall Feelings:
You did a great job so far, you have a nice writing style with amazing content.
I feel like this is the beginning of something amazing, I saw that you’ve written this a long time ago, so I’m not sure if you are going to continue it. But I would definitely recommend you to continue it, if you want to.
Have a nice day or night further! Keep writing! You are amazing!
Amazingly yours,
Rinisha – Be yourself and keep writing! 📖🎉
Thanks for the review!
Of course. It's an amazing piece.
First of all, I loved this little short story and would love to hear more about this character!
The simile in the second line did seem a little weak, and I think there are plenty of other things you could have compared it to. However, I did like the repetition of the word "Things" as I think it really highlighted that "Each day brings in something new," because you wont know what it is each day, as it's new.
Your varying use of sentence types (Short, declarative, complex) and punctuation made the story flow well and not seem clumsy.
The description is very vivid, and helped set the scene very well. I liked the direct address to whoever the narrator was talking to, made it seem quite personal.
Overall, this was a very well thought out and crafted piece of creative writing. I really enjoyed it! Keep writing
Thanks for the review!
Hey there Liminality! Tuck here for a quick review.
I didn't think this metaphor was very strong. I liked where you were going with this, but I felt that you kinda let it drop off. Adding more specificity than "things" would be a good place to start, and candies on a conveyor belt was a very specific and somewhat unintuitive.I think this is an odd way to describe being overpowered. It creates a nice image, but doesn't really fit with the idea of being overpowered. Still, this description could be more directly applied to the man with the tie—saying that the scent of his strong aftershave overpowered her would be a better usage of this image.
This seems like a really heavy way to end the story, in my opinion. The Chinese New Year part was also something new that I think should have been introduced earlier, and I fail to see how the fatherless part is relevant except for the part that it adds a little bit more punch to that final sentence, but I think in this case it's a bit unnecessary.
Overall Thoughts
I think the premise of this sort of official time-keeper is intriguing, but it does seem a little odd and I can't really find it realistic in my mind. I think it needs a bit more set-up to carry the emphasis that you want—is this a world in which only some people have watches? Do cell phones exist? Is this an established figure? Why do people know how to find him? Questions like those help flesh out the premise a little bit more.
Additionally, I think that some of your metaphors could be strengthened. I already pointed out what I thought was holding them back, so to speak, but manufacturing another one or modifying these is up to you. I liked the metaphor of slipping through your fingers—that was well-executed and helped stoke the main character a little bit by adding some urgency.
All things considered, I liked the way this story ended! The short, simple duty; the inability; the sad follow-up, all of it combined to make something that was intriguing but also had a bit of a sober ad solemn ending to it that made it feel real, while also having that fantasy element. I don't know how to explain it, but what I'm trying to say is that it evoked some good emotions and got me thinking a little bit, which is always high praise for literary works in general, but particularly something as short as this. I really enjoyed this short little blurb and look forward to seeing what you do with it! As always, if you have any questions about my review, just let me know and I'd be happy to provide clarification!
~MJTucker
Thank you for your review! I found your comments very helpful. I'll likely be reworking this into something a bit longer in the future (once college isn't so busy) and I'll definitely keep what you said in mind. Thanks again!