Hey Lim! I checked this out yesterday but didn't have the time to review.
Grammatical
The boy was young, with a shock of white hair, a shade I'd generated from a list of particularly untrustworthy colours.
The first comma there should be removed. The second comma should be an em dash. (Although YWS Doesn't support em dashes, that's okay.)
As I floated closer to him he stood up, flicking the side ponytail off from one shoulder to the other.
After "him", there should be a comma. And I think the "the" after "flicking" should be "his" or "a".
He scowled. "And you say I'm the crook here."
It would be preferred if you replace the first period with a comma, but that's just me.
There are no other grammatical mistakes as far as I can see. Good job!
Technical
At the corner of the street where the light was still working, he stopped to pet a stray cat. The boy was young, with a shock of white hair, a shade I'd generated from a list of particularly untrustworthy colours.
Now, I would suggest that "he" would switch places with "The boy". I would like this because since this is the beginning of a story, you can't be too vague. I understand that you are trying to be a little vague on this, but having a "he" as the first mention of a character is much too empty.
"I am tired." His voice was cool; he did not look back as he spoke.
I don't know if you intended it or not, but "I am tired." is the most robotic thing anyone can say. If it wasn't on purpose try changing it to "I'm tired", which is much more natural.
"Well?" I boomed the word into his mind.
I personally dislike this sentence. You have already justified the fact that the PoV is some ghost or intangible creature. By using the word "boomed", you ruin the spooky effect of a ghost (Assuming it's a ghost). If you changed it to:"Well?" I hissed into his mind.
or something similar, it would have added on to the 'Ghostly' effect of the PoV.
Plot
Okay, so when I first saw this, it seemed like it would be a typical ghost story. However, as the story progressed, I could tell it wasn't typical.
It seems the PoV can control or create these people like white-haired guy, which brings a mysterious effect on the reader: What else can the PoV do?
This story is certainly very interesting-- if not confusing. I think that you made the perfect amount of vagueness, but for someone who isn't very skilled, this would be confusing.
So, I like how you casually added "floated" in the first paragraph. That was a nice touch-- letting the reader know that something is different.
Then, you continue this when the PoV "zipped down the electric supply and manifested again before him". That was when all hell broke loose in my mind-- the rest of the story kept on building, but there isn't a very clear climax or resolution in this story, so I'd suggest you work on that. Make the white-haired guy more angry, or emotional so that he'd do something rash.
Those are all of my comments and suggestions for your short.
I hoped this review satisfied you!
Remember the Alamo. Remember Goliad. Remember Fireworks.
-y0shi
Points: 3506
Reviews: 67
Donate