z

Young Writers Society


18+

The Last Light Companion [Chapter 4.3]

by Lightsong


Warning: This work has been rated 18+.

‘What. The. Fuck,’ whispered Rachelle.

Jannah turned to her and see Manisha was grabbing Rachelle’s arm. Both of them had their attentions fixed on the light. Jannah looked back to it. He’s here, as you requested, thought Jannah to herself. What are you going to do now?

What would Mother do in this situation. Take control. Mother’s whisper greeted Jannah’s ears, but it was Father’s words that made her nod. When you meet an ingredient you have no idea of, make an effort to know what it is, and of what use it is to you. ‘Move there,’ said Jannah, pointing to her bed. ‘We’re not going to have a discussion while standing. I’m going to understand you and what help can you give me.’

The light did not say anything. It just floated to the bed. Jannah followed it, and her friends butted behind her. They rested at half side of her bed, while the light was at the other.

‘I have been trying to protect you the moment I was with you,’ said the light. ‘I... am not like the others. They stick in groups, while I am more of a free light. That is why I ran from them. Partly because I am too fed up being bounded by a bunch of lights, but also because I need to find someone to have a bond with.’

Jannah sensed emotions from the light’s voice. Frustration, desperation, all of them were mixed into the torrent of words it spouted out. Realization struck her of how human the light was; it even spoke with a male voice, instead of one you would expect from an animal. Not that it was an animal, but it was certainly close to human. Perhaps she should refer the light as a ‘he’ instead of ‘it’.

‘W - what -’ Rachelle stopped, and cleared her throat. She spoke again. ‘What do you mean? There are others like you? How is that even possible? What are you?’ Then, as if she was embarrassed to say it, she spoke with a tiny voice. ‘Are you... are you a stuck-up spirit?’

Giggles erupted from Jannah and Manisha; it could not be helped. Rachelle seemed to wonder if the light was a ghost, even thought it certainly did not look like one. She was folding her arms looking at them, clearly irritated.

The light huffed in unsatisfaction, its light flickering for a second. ‘Of course not. I’m not a spirit, or a ghost. They are fictional concepts created by you humans, as they do not exist in reality.’

Instead of being offended, Rachelle’s eyes were wide in wonder. She leaned to the light. ‘Are you saying that you don’t see them? The ghosts?’

‘No.’

Rachelle leaned back. Frowning, she said, ‘Ah! What a shame! I thought, you know, what with you being light and all and did weird things for Jannah, you can see ghosts. Apparently, you don’t have the third eye.’ She grinned.

‘You are distracting me, girl. I am here for Jannah, not for you,’ said the light. ‘Jannah, the things I have done to you, those that you have experienced, they are the result of me using my ability. It is called --’

‘Seriously!’ interrupted Rachelle. ‘Why Jannah? What’s so special about her?’ She glanced at Jannah, her eyes gleaming with envy.

Jannah gritted her teeth. What was Rachelle taking about? Why did she have that look for Jannah? Was she thinking it was special, that it was pleasant, for Jannah to experience these weird events she had? Did she think Jannah liked whatever the light was doing to her? Because if she did, then Jannah was determined to prove she was wrong.

Before Jannah spoke up, Manisha grabbed her arm. Her other hand was on Rachelle’s. Being in the middle, Manisha spoke to both of them, her voice soft and calm. ‘This isn’t the time for an argument, both of you. You heard what the light said. We could only have this discussion until Jannah’s mother arrived.’ She pressed harder. ‘Please hear what it says, and don’t interrupt it.’

Jannah forced herself to look at the blue light despite sensing the glare from Rachelle. Manisha was right, but at this moment, Jannah really did not care. Why should she listen to the light instead of making things clear to Rachelle? Rachelle was her friend; this light was a stranger who intruded her life. Even if Rachelle sometimes let loose her unpleasant emotions, at least she was honest. This light was a far cry from that.

‘Ah, Manisha,’ said the light, its voice pleasant. Even its blue brightness increased a bit. ‘You have to listen more to your friend there. Among the three of you, she is the most sensible. I even wonder sometimes if -’ It abruptly stopped itself.

Jannah frowned. It stopped itself. It was tiny detail - it was usual for someone to hold whatever they wanted to say for reasons. However, from her brief conversation with this light, it never hesitated. What was it? What was it that the light wanted to say?

‘Please continue,’ said Manisha, and Jannah was surprised to hear the discomfort in her voice. Even her grip was tighter that it hurt.

Was it possible that Manisha knew the answer to her question?

‘There is another group of light out there,’ said the light. It seemed to gain its composure, and spoke with the smoothness Jannah had slowly familiarized with. ‘The dark lights. They are corrupted, a result of a bright light mixing with a shadow in the most forbidden of way, and they need to be stopped. I cannot stop them alone; as you might have realized, Jannah, my telekinesis ability is weak. If I bond with you, it would increase tenfolds, promising us a power to stop them.

‘That is what I want from you, Jannah. Cooperation. Let me be a part of your life, and I will let you be a part of mine. A strong bond, I realize, comes from deep understanding between the light and its companion, and to do that, I have to make myself visible to you all the time. I have to make myself known, so that you can recognize me as an ally that I can become, and realize the importance my help to you and your people.’

‘I don’t like you,’ blurted Rachelle. All attention were shifted to her, but hers was fixed on the light. ‘You’re a creep, a stalker. You came into Jannah’s life without her permission, heard things without her permission, and saw things without her permission. You didn’t giver her any privacy at all -- why, it was just now that you used the information about her mother to set up this discussion. Couldn’t you realize Jannah was her mother would be arrive home?’ She shook her head. ‘You didn’t even consider her feelings, and yet you ask her to recognize you as an ally.’

She looked at Jannah, and bit her lips. ‘I’m sorry for what I’ve said earlier. I don’t think you’re special - I mean, regarding this light matter. You’re always special to me. I don’t even want to imagine to have someone watching over every movement I’ve made, every word I’ve spoken. I hate that.’ Then, in a tiny voice, she said, ‘I’m sorry, Jannah.’

‘Apologize accepted!’ said Jannah, grinning at Rachelle. She was glad, not just because Rachelle realized what she felt being involved in this matter, but also because their conflict was brief. It should be. This was the bane of their friendship - the three of them; no matter how much they harbored dark feelings towards each other, they knew honesty was key, and that forgiveness was the door. They would never let the thought of being special ruined their firm friendship.

The grip she felt on her arm ceased, and she felt something else. It made her smile. Manisha was holding her hand; looking at Rachelle, Manisha was holding hers too. The three of them smiled at each other, and turned their attention to the light.

Jannah realized this was what she wanted. She knew what to say next. ‘Accept them, light. If you want to be a part of my life, accept them. Know them, understand them, because they are a part of my life. They’re with me on this. You might be able to bond just with me, but you have to bond with them too. Not in the sense of increasing your power, no. In the sense of friendship. It takes more than the two of us to save whatever you want us to save. They’re going to help me with that.’ She took a deep breath. ‘Do what I’ve said, or I won’t cooperate with you.’


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
1162 Reviews


Points: 32055
Reviews: 1162

Donate
Mon Sep 26, 2016 2:03 am
View Likes
Carlito wrote a review...



Hello again! Wow I'm finally all caught up again! :D

I liked this final chapter segment because there was some good plot development on top of some good character development. I thought each girl's reaction to the light felt authentic. I really appreciated that they didn't all accept the light right away and that there was some dissent and some apprehension about the whole situation.

Manisha - I was glad that she started to have a bit more of a role and did a bit more in this chapter. I also liked that there is a bit of mystery surrounding here not with whether or not she knows something about the lights. However, after that little moment she kind of faded into the background for me and I sort of forgot about her again in light of Rachelle's big moment. It's okay to have a quieter character in the group. If they were all bosterious like Rachelle it would probably feel overwhelming. However, as you move forward, just make sure that Manisha has a clear role and a clear purpose to the plot and she will help move the plot forward sometimes too. I know you're still tweaking the characters and figuring them all out, which is fine, just something to keep in mind.

Rachelle - I like that she's a bit more opinionated and kind of buts heads with Jannah a bit. I think that's needed in this cast. If all they ever did was agree with one another and think the same way about everything, it would be a pretty boring cast! :) I liked her big freak out towards the light, but she seemed to recover pretty quickly. There was a lot of emotion behind what she was saying. Then the light explained himself and she was fine? I would like to see her reaction to what the light says, not just Jannah's apology for Rachelle. Does Rachelle feel the same way? Does she still have some resentment towards the light?

Jannah - I would still like to see way more of Jannah's internal monologue about the light. This is a huge thing that has happened in her life, and I want to know how she's processing it and how she's coping. She's learning new things about this light and her first thought it to trust it and make some demands first? I want to know how she got to that point? She was so scared and apprehensive when the light first appeared and now she seems so much more sure and confident. How did that switch happen? Show me some of her feelings and thoughts and how she is handling everything going on with this light. I believe we've talked about inner monologues and the importance of them with first person? First person demands tons of voice and first person is great for allowing the reader to really get deep in a character's head. Give us that experience :)

I'm not going to get picky about grammar in this chapter unless you really want me to. I'm going to keep things simple and leave things there for now, but let me know if you have any questions or if you would like feedback about something I didn't mention! Looking forward to the next chapter! :D




User avatar
325 Reviews


Points: 689
Reviews: 325

Donate
Sun Sep 25, 2016 9:40 pm
View Likes
tigeraye wrote a review...



‘What. The. Fuck,’ whispered Rachelle.


Nothing like kicking off things with an f-bomb to grab a reader's attention.

Jannah turned to her and see Manisha was grabbing Rachelle’s arm.


How is she grabbing Rachelle's arm? What kind of touch is it -- is it like a gentle touch, or is it a violent squeeze? A bit more detail could go a long ways here.

Jannah sensed emotions from the light’s voice. Frustration, desperation, all of them were mixed into the torrent of words it spouted out.


I don't know how I feel about this, I think I prefer it when you show us emotion with the dialogue rather than have the dialogue take place, and then give us a group of emotions that don't mean as much in hindsight. I know you did it because it's a light and not a human and you want to explain that the light has human qualities, but still.

Perhaps she should refer the light as a ‘he’ instead of ‘it’.


I really like this line -- a very unique way to describe human qualities to a non-human character. Really creative.

‘This isn’t the time for an argument, both of you. You heard what the light said. We could only have this discussion until Jannah’s mother arrived.’ She pressed harder. ‘Please hear what it says, and don’t interrupt it.’


See, here you can really just sense the anger, and you don't need a listing of emotions afterwards. I really like how expressive the dialogue is in this piece.

Your use of apostrophes instead of quotation marks for dialogue is...interesting. I haven't seen it done before. I guess the only real difference to me is it makes me squint a bit more to see where the characters are talking and where the narrator is talking, because they don't pop out like quotation marks do. It's really not a problem, I just wonder if that was your intended effect or not.

Out of all the characters in this chapter, I have to say Rachelle is my favorite, just because I'm a sucker for characters that have unlikable qualities but have hidden traces of goodness inside of them. I think those tend to be realistic. Haven't read any other chapters, but this does make me interested in going back and reading the rest, since I really like the expressiveness in the dialogue. So keep doing what you're doing.




User avatar
1085 Reviews


Points: 90000
Reviews: 1085

Donate
Wed Sep 14, 2016 8:56 am
View Likes
Mea wrote a review...



Let's get down to business! TO DEFEAT. THE HUNS!

Okay, so I'm totally on board with all the character stuff going down here. I really like Rachelle - not as a person, but as a character. She really propels the action, and turns what could be a boring exposition scene into a great character piece. A small detail I really like is how she swears occasionally, while the others don't really - I mean, I dislike swearing on principle, but it's a great distinction that feel really in character. And you use it well, sparingly and only in emotional situations.

I did think Rachelle apologized a little too quickly - it just felt slightly out of character. Or, at least, it did for the way she apologized. I feel like she wouldn't blow it off, but also not be quite so downcast when she apologizes either. Something more like "I'm sorry, I didn't mean that. I don't think you're special - I mean, you're special to me - well, you know what I mean." Basically, a little more flustered, and not less sincere, but maybe without quite as much remorse.

So in that regard the chapter is great. But as far as syntax and prose goes, I felt this was rather weak. I noticed a lot more awkward sentences and misuse of phrases then I usually do, as well as a few typos. I'm not going to point out that many because I want to focus on more overall things.

‘There is another group of light out there,’ said the light.

Should be "lights." Also, you repeat "light" a lot in this chapter, but I'm not sure how to avoid it other than having a character insist on giving him a name or him telling them his name.

This was the bane of their friendship - the three of them; no matter how much they harbored dark feelings towards each other, they knew honesty was key,

"Bane" is exactly the wrong word to use here. "Bane" means "cause of great distress or annoyance," and in this phrase is usually used to mean "the thing that undoes" whatever it is, that breaks it apart or makes it terrible.

Even her grip was tighter that it hurt.

This isn't grammatically correct. Try "Her grip tightened on Jannah's arm" or something similar.

I sort of liked the ending and I sort of didn't - I thought Jannah's little speech was a little overdone, to the point of being cheesy rather than touching.

That's all I've got today!




Lightsong says...


Thanks for the review!

Ah, I see! I thought a bane is like what makes things stronger, y'know? xD I think I'll use backbone instead.




Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate.
— Sigmund Freud