z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Last Light Companion [Chapter 3.1]

by Lightsong


Something was Wrong

Rachelle wanted to find a place that was public, yet allowed her to talk with Zafiq in private. Public because she did not want to be seen as another girl who tried to flirt with him, and in private because the matter she wanted to talk about should not be heard by others, and definitely should not be spread around. She pondered over this while their MUET teacher, Mrs Aminah, taught them about what was required when speaking in English.

Okay, so library’s out, she thought. The silence when she was there made her feel like she was at the graveyard. It was perfect to talk in whispers, though. She absently tilted her head, looking at her open reference book but reading it. Where else, then? The canteen was a nice place for you to talk to someone without being the center of attention, but only if that someone was not popular. Unfortunately, Zafiq was.

She looked at Jannah. The girl was listening intently to what the teacher said. Should Rachelle asked her about this? ‘Jannah,’ whispered Rachelle. ‘Where do you think I should confront Zafiq about, um, what I’ve said to you last night?’

Jannah gave her a second of a glance before focusing on Mrs Aminah again. ‘I don’t know. In his class, maybe? It’s just next to ours, after all.’

‘Well, it’s Dafina’s class too. And I’m not saying I’m scared of her; I just don’t want to make any drama.’

‘Yeah, you’re right,’ Jannah said, her voice barely audible.

This was the time when Rachelle knew her friend was under the teacher’s spell. She groaned inwardly and return to pseudo-reading her book. She glanced at Manisha and saw the girl was just as captivated as Jannah. Most likely even more so. She sighed. Apparently, the two students by her sides did not understand that they should talk during a class, that that was one of the few advantages of surrendering your ears to the monotone voice of the know-it-all.

That’s it, she thought, I’m going to take care of this myself. I’ll venture through the uncharted water, confront the crocodile to stop setting his eyes on Jannah. After that, she would realize I’m her savior and would tell others of how I stood up against the irresistible reptile. Realizing what she was thinking, she remembered her mother. Mum always expressed her dislike on Rachelle’s imagination.

Well, she was not here, so there was that.

*

It appeared Dafina did not come to school today as Rachelle went to check her class, peeking from the front door. The middle table at the front row claimed by Dafina was empty. However, her girls were around that position, chattering and giggling. Zafiq was at the back with his own pack of loyal followers. She could hear their loud voices, but not his. He only smiled and reacted accordingly to his friends’ words. He isn’t just a crocodile, she thought. He’s also a snake who had devoured others before Dafina. She wondered why he sticked to Dafina. That was something to consider at another time.

She did not use the front door. Instead, she walked along the corridor and went through the backdoor. If only Zafiq did not sit at the corner, it would save her time. Alas, this was a mission she had to finish, and so, she strode confidently to the circle of crocodiles.

‘Damn, hot girl is here,’ said one of Zafiq’s friend, Haziq, smirking at her. He was a bulky figure, formed by everyday’s workout at the gym. Rachelle knew because she heard he preferred to work out rather than do his homework during his free time.

No wonder he was dumb. ‘Zafiq, outside,’ said she. ‘I want to talk.’

Haziq nodded. ‘I see it now. The cat’s gone. Clever girl.’

Rachelle did not look at him, her eyes set on Zafiq. ‘Shut up, Haziq. Lunch time would end soon, so let’s get over this quick, Zafiq.’

Zafiq, who was looking at them with a smile on his face, nodded, and rose. ‘It must be important. I would be glad to help somehow.’

Haziq snickered. That brat was starting to get on her nerves. She turned back, walked out of the classroom, not waiting for Zafiq to prepare himself. She rested her arms on the balcony, looking up to the sky. For a second, she wished she was in a plane, excited to explore a new location, to see what was out there that she should not miss. Stuck in a position called student was horrible.

‘What is it?’ said Zafiq, now standing beside her.

‘You should stop checking out Jannah,’ said Rachelle. The more to the point she was, the sooner this conversation would end. ‘I’d seen the way you look at her, but she didn’t notice. I didn’t want her to be confronted by Dafina again, when it was you Dafina should talk with.’

Zafiq’s relax posture remained; his smile did not waver. ‘I admit Jannah intrigues me. It isn’t the same with Dafina, but she seems different somehow.’

Rachele could not believe what she had heard. Instead of being ashamed for having interest on another girl, he talked about it as casual as talking about the weather. But then again, this was Zafiq, the experienced predators. Maybe he had changed his methods to switch girls; instead of breaking up before starting a new one, he wanted to start early by gradually shifting his attention to someone else.

‘Look, you don’t understand what you’re talking about - what you are doing. It’s not you who would get the bad end of this; it’s Jannah. For all I know, Dafina’s head over heels with you.’

‘Dafina... she wouldn’t hurt Jannah.’

‘You don’t know for sure.’

‘I know what she’s told me. After what happened, I think harming Jannah is the last thing she would do.’

Rachelle wanted to argue, but stopped herself. What did he mean with ‘after what happened’? What actually happened? What had Dafina told him? She shooed away the questions and focused on what she should say. ‘I don’t understand what did you mean by that, but I want you and your eyes to stay away from Jannah. If not -’

‘If not what?’ hissed Zafiq.

Rachelle could swear his eyes were void of reflections, that they were obsidian. She blinked, and the reflections were there again. Perhaps she was imagining it, but she sure did not imagine his change of tone It made the hair at the back of her neck stood up. She was not expecting this sudden change of moof from him. She looked back to the class, and it seemed no one was paying attention to them.

She turned back to Zafiq. ‘If not,’ she whispered, ‘I swear you’ll never set your feet into the school again. I’m serious, Zafiq. Back off.’

Zafiq raised his eyebrows, and the smile returned to his face. ‘You do know I’m not doing something that breaks the school rule, so you can’t really do anything about that. I do what I want, just like what you’re doing here. And that is that.’ He did not wait for her reply; instead, he walked into the classroom and join Haziq and others.

She stared at him. That guy was smiling, his eyes sparkling with happiness, but the sight of his obsidian eyes flashed through her mind. Something was wrong with him, she was sure. What she was not sure was what the thing was. She should tell this to Jannah. If Jannah could accept the unusual things happened to her, Rachelle was sure she could accept this. Or, well, consider it. Either way, she needed to tell someone. She left the balcony to go back to her class, clutching her hands to stop shaking.


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Wed Sep 28, 2016 3:29 pm
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Sins wrote a review...



ohhithere.

Sorry for not getting to this sooner. I moved back to uni this week, so I've been way too busy for my liking. I'm pretty much settled now anywho, so with any luck, I'll be able to start reviewing this novel a little more quickly.

So! This was an interesting chapter, and I like that we got to see a bit more of Rachelle's personality throughout this. Your characterisation on the whole is pretty solid so far actually, and though some characters seem like slight cliches (e.g. Dafina being a mean girl), we're still relatively early into the story. You wrote the conversation between Rachelle and Zafiq very well, and I could really sense the tension, so kudos to you for that. I like this concept of there being something not quite right about him too, and perhaps it's related to the light we saw in the previous chapter? It warned Jannah of something bad happening, right? I'm super intrigued to find out what that's all about, I must say.

Something I'm not sure of here is the jump you made between the last chapter and this one. The end of the last chapter was very dramatic, and was the first time we readers really saw anything major happen. As such, for it not to even be mentioned in this extract seems a bit... I'm not sure, disorientating? While you write Rachelle and Zafiq's interaction well, and the concept of this chapter is interesting enough, all I can really think about is what happened after Jannah saw the light. Has she told her friends? Has she had any more weird encounters? How does she feel about the whole thing? I want to know all these things, and probably partially because I'm greedy, I don't want to have to wait too long to find out more about the light Jannah saw. I guess my point here is that it the sudden jump from last chapter to this one feels a bit off to me, and I'd maybe try integrating them more.

Also, when did this idea to speak to Zafiq enter Rachelle's head? You've mentioned him giving attention to Jannah in the past, but this concept of Rachelle wanting to chase him up and sort him out is quite new. As such, partly because there was a jump between the last chapter and this one, this was all a little unexpected and random. I understand why she's confronted Zafiq, don't get me wrong, but there's not really been any sign of her intending to do so until this chapter. What's adding to the randomness is the fact that Rachelle kind of just barges into Zafiq's classroom. Where's the teacher? Surely, he/she would have something to say about another student taking his/her student from class for non-educational purposes? That confused me a little!

Anywho, that's it... I didn't really have many critiques regarding this extract, which for you is certainly a good thing. This chapter felt a little disjointed from the last one, but that's the only real issue, and it's hardly an enormous problem. So yeah, a solid chapter on the whole.

Keep writing,

xoxo S(k)ins




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Tue Sep 20, 2016 1:36 am
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Carlito wrote a review...



Hello again! :D

Overall I thought this was an interesting start to the next chapter. I thought the beginning dragged a bit. I think you could start with a very brief inner monologue about what she's planning on doing (having this conversation) and where she wants to try to have it. Give her a little more power, let her come up with the plan and the place on her own without the help of her friends. I think the addition of her friends up until now has been positive, but she also has to make her own decisions or she could come off as passive.

I really liked the drama of the conversation with Zafiq and the tension you built throughout that. I felt the emotion you were bringing out in that scene and you're dialogue is getting much better! I loved that you incorporated description and action throughout the dialogue! :)

A few things I wanted to note about the characters and the characterization. So far all of the characters are being portrayed in one way - Rachelle is kind of sweet and naive, Dafina is a mean girl, Zafiq is a bad, rude guy, etc. What I will be curious to see is how these characters develop and how you layer them as the story goes on. You don't want them to be one-dimensional and be able to classify them in a few key adjectives. I want to know why Rachelle is sweet and naive and I want to see other sides of her too. No one is sweet 100% of the time (we got to see a bit of that side of her here). Same with Dafina and Zafiq. They're natural villians and they're good villians, but they need other sides to them other than bad. It will make them come across as more realistic characters. It could also add an interesting layer to the story like we see them doing good or having these good qualities sometimes and then they turn around and are horrible - should we trust them or not? I think you do a nice job creating an atmosphere of not being sure what to expect in the plot (which is a good thing!) and I think you could bring that same quality out in your characters and in their development.

Obviously it's still very early in the story and I'm sure the more I read the more I'll see the character development you've already thought of and have already implemented into the story. It's just something I was thinking about as I was reading this chapter because I'm afraid some of the characters (like Zafiq and Dafina and the other bad guy that I can't remember the name of that was in this chapter) are going to become one-dimensional. It's something I struggle with too when writing my own antagonist characters :)

I'm not going to get deep in nit-picks (unless you want me to go back and do that!) This was another short review, but those were really all my thoughts for this chapter segment. Looking forward to reading on and learning more about these lights and figuring out how she's going to tell her friends about it (if she is at all!) I was a bit surprised that you didn't start the chapter following up with the light stuff, but as long as the next part of the chapter goes into that, I think this is a fine place to start :)

I'll leave things there for now, but as always, let me know if you have any questions/if anything I said was confusing, or if there is something you want feedback about that I didn't already mention :D




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Mon Sep 12, 2016 12:32 pm
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Rydia wrote a review...



Howdy! So I've not read the previous parts and if I mention anything which you think you've already covered, be sure to take my advice with a grain of salt!

Specifics

1. I'm not sure I understand why the meeting needs to be public to avoid looking like she's flirting with him. Surely if more people see her talking to him then it will look like she's flirting? While if nobody can see that they're meeting it won't?

2.

Okay, so library’s out, she thought. The silence when she was there made her feel like she was at the graveyard. It was perfect to talk in whispers, though. She absently tilted her head, looking at her open reference book but reading it.
I think that should be 'looking at her open reference book but not reading it? Otherwise it should be 'and reading it' as that's expected behaviour when looking at a book while the but suggests doing something contrary to the norm. Also, I think you could lose the line 'It was perfect to talk in whispers, though' as I don't think it adds anything; it's a side note and not interesting enough.

3.
Should Rachelle asked her about this? ‘Jannah,’ whispered Rachelle. ‘Where do you think I should confront Zafiq about, um, what I’ve said to you last night?’
I'm not sure we need the description first that Rachelle is thinking of asking Jannah about it. That would be good detail if she then decided not to but because she does it feels superfluous.

4.
This was the time when Rachelle knew her friend was under the teacher’s spell. She groaned inwardly and returned to pseudo-reading her book.


5.
She wondered why he sticked stuck to Dafina. That was something to consider at another time.


6.
Stuck in a position called student was horrible.
This line reads a bit awkwardly - I'm not sure 'a position called student' works. I kind of understand what you mean but it doesn't flow very easily/ make immediate sense.

7.
Zafiq’s relaxed posture remained; his smile did not waver.


8.
Rachele could not believe what she had heard. Instead of being ashamed for having interest on in another girl, he talked about it as casual as talking about the weather. But then again, this was Zafiq, the experienced predators.


9.
‘I don’t understand what did you mean you meant by that, but I want you and your eyes to stay away from Jannah. If not -’


10.
Perhaps she was imagining it, but she sure did not imagine his change of tone It made the hair at the back of her neck stood stand up. She was not expecting this sudden change of moof mood from him.


11.
He did not wait for her reply; instead, he walked into the classroom and joined Haziq and others.
I'm a little confused about where they're meeting - hasn't he just finished this class? So why are they all still sitting in the classroom? Or is this now the room he's in just before his next class begins?

12.
If Jannah could accept the that unusual things happened to her, Rachelle was sure she could accept this.


Overall

There are some typos and tense things to fix here but on the whole this is easy to follow and the characters are reasonably fleshed out. I think a little more tone would help bring Rachelle into focus - at the moment I'm not sure if she's a serious kind of girl or more wry, if she's not listening to the teacher because she's lazy or because she has a lot on her mind. I think you could drop a few more personal details in here and help us get to know the character. I also agree with Mea that her threat seems pretty empty and I'm not sure if we were meant to be worried by that or to feel like she won that particular confrontation?

All the best with this!

~Heather




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Wed Aug 17, 2016 11:36 am
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Mea wrote a review...



Back again!

Ack, I just don't have that much to say! This is all quite well-written, and I can easily tell the differences between Rachelle and Jannah, especially in Rachelle's attitude towards the teacher, which is great and not that easy to do in writing.

I'm not so sure about Rachelle's threat, though. If you're trying to show how Rachelle is determined and that this is a serious threat on her part, I don't think it works very well because it's a pretty generic threat, and the first thing that comes to mind is murder. The problem is, we just don't know Rachelle well enough to assume she's capable of something like that - she's obviously not a serial killer, and the average teenage girl does not have it in her to murder someone. To fix this, make the threat plausible and more specific - if you really want to show her being ruthless, you could have her threaten to accuse him of sexual harassment or something. Though I don't think she'd go there.

However, if you're trying to show that the threat was fairly hollow and that it was mostly just a show of bravado on Rachelle's part, then by and large I think it works, though if this is the case you should probably emphasize how shaken/uncertain she is a bit more while she's having the conversation, as opposed to after.

On to smaller things!

I once saw that you accidentally spelled "mood" as "moof." Quite amusing. xD Also, you said "predators" when it should just be "predator."

I didn’t want her to be confronted by Dafina again, when it was you Dafina should talk with.

"Didn't" should at the very least be "don't," but overall it would be better worded as "I don't want Dina to confront her again when it's you she needs to talk to."

She wondered why he sticked to Dafina.

I'm pretty sure "sticked" isn't a word. It's stuck. :P

It isn’t the same with Dafina, but she seems different somehow.

The way you worded this makes it unclear if Dafina is different or Jannah is.

And that's pretty much all I've got! It's late; I need to sleep. :D





Go in fear of abstractions.
— Ezra Pound