Young Writers Society

Hello again!

I like how this chapter is progressing. I really liked how you brought us back into to the scene and described where we were again and how really not much had changed. It was very clear that she was back in reality and where she was. I also liked that you were able to show some of the different personalities with the friends and you were able to show "normal" between the friends before things started to get a little crazy with the light. The ending of this section was great! I loved the suspense of the door slamming and the writing coming from nowhere and the ominous "you're not going to watch movies tonight", and of course the cliff hanger you put at the end.

My biggest qualms with this chapter part are the little nit-pick things, so I'll highlight some of those things for you.

The bell rang again. Jannah opened her eyes.

She was back at the living room except that she had not leave it.

Maybe that was what made she think

something was off. She shook her head. No, it was something else. She would investigate this, but first, she had to check who had been ringing the bell.

It was Rachelle and Manisha.

Sometimes Jannah saw the cars a waste; each one of them had one excluding Manisha, but Manisha had a reason not to drive one.

Jannah had suggested carpooling with Mother, but due to the gap between Mother’s workplace and her school, it was faster to go like this.

Jannah opened the door after pushing the button that would let the gate open. Her friends came in, but not with empty hands. Both of them were carrying plastic bags, the white ones that you got in the shopping complex.

What had they buy?

‘It’s been half a year since I met you and this is the first time I go to your house,’

Mother was greeting her on the phone. ‘Waalaikumussalam,’ replied she.

‘The work can’t be done tomorrow.’

‘My mother wouldn’t be here soon, she’ll be coming home late.’

While they were inside, Manisha was about to close the door

Manisha just nodded.

That is wonderful, she wrote, and glanced at the others, before turning back to the paper. However, it would be nice for us to actually see whom we are discussing with rather than a pencil controlled by unknown forces. She inspected her writing. That was a long one. Finally, she laid the pencil on the table.

Good afternoon, Lightsong! Since I've been reviewing an endless wave of poetry these days, and neglecting the novel chapters that have been ignored and drifting aimlessly about the Green Room, I thought I'd chance my strategy and focus on, well, novel chapters!

And, in that respect, this is fairly impressive. Great job! Your sense of characterization is marvelous, particularly when it comes to your portrayal of the complex relationship between their three main characters and their friendship. I can picture them fairly easy in my mind, thanks to your description of their actions, reactions, and feelings of respect for the narrator. Jannah's friends sound like nice and cool people to hang out with, and it's cool to see that they went out of their way to provide gifts and joke around, even in the midst of the dissolution of their initial plans by Jannah's mother being unavailable. Their willing to give Jannah some private space is decent of them, and I'm impressed with the way that you emphasize relatively small details like that to convey their characters and nature. The same applies to the weird blue orb that starts writing on Jannah's notebook, in what is evidently not the first time. I admire how you describe its writing style, observance skills, and Jannah's unwillingness to upset it, on top of the respect that everyone treats it.

That has to be my favorite part of the story - your sense of characterization and how to use it. I'm also impressed with the smooth tone and pacing of the story, as well as the fascinating and complex plot. Although I haven't read the previous chapters, I have at least a small idea as to what this blue orb is. However, I'm curious to learn more about it and its intentions and plans, which implies that you're doing a good job of attracting your audience's attention and leaving them curious to see more. The actions of the characters also leaves me curious as to their own involvement, particularly when it comes to Jannah's friends, who seem to have been suspecting the legitimacy of what has weird incidents, but now know otherwise.

On the other hand, my major criticism here is that my train of thought was often interrupted over the course of the story. While your grasp of English is totally fine, and these were often minor interruptions, it sometimes felt like you were struggling for the proper word or sentence. For instance, the opening paragraph was a little confusing, especially when you said "It was a dream." Given this story is entirely in the past tense, does this refer to Jannah's present situation, or an actual, previous dream? In the case of the latter, "It had been a dream" is more appropriate. Otherwise, many of these errors were minor mistakes, usually involving a proper verb tense ("I’ve been meaning to met her," when it should be "meet"), and those simply involve a proofread and analysis of your writing to correct. Since I know your English skills are fantastic (it took me a while to figure out that you spoke it as a second language, haha), that shouldn't be a problem at all. Personally, I'm not exactly sure I like the usage of "said she" over the course of this story - it is correct, but is often used for stories with more formal tones and implications, and it doesn't seem all that appropriate here.

Otherwise, well done! This was a refined, well-written novel chapter, and I enjoyed reading it from start to finish! Well done on creating complex, fun characters, and developing a thorough and fascinating plot with lots of questions to keep the audience interested. Keep up the good work, and thanks for this chapter!

Yay! Discussion and exposition (I assume) will be forthcoming!

You said in chat this was unedited, and to be honest, I can tell - you have a few more awkward sentences in here than usual. Also, you should totally talk to me about the idiosyncrasies of the English language whenever because yeah, cool and interesting.

I don't have much to say about the actual plot right now, just because this is such a short segment. I'm enjoying the banter between Jannah, Rachelle, and Manisha. It's just fun.

If I had to pick something to critique, I'd tell you to add a bit more setting description. I want to know more about what Jannah's house and the street she lives on look like. I had a bit of a hard time picturing what you were saying about the cars because I've been living in the city for too long and I've forgotten about things like driveways. More seriously, I just didn't know there was a driveway, and I still don't know what it looks like.

Your beginning paragraph was confusing, I think because of odd sentence structure.

Also, I don't remember if I've told you this before, but direct narrator thoughts, like "At least I've got my friends to accompany me" are usually put in italics in third person narratives, to distinguish them from the rest of the prose. You can get away with not doing it, but it is an option.

Your Favorite, Technical Things!

What had they buy?

She laid three pieces of plastic-wrapped CDs.

replied she.

‘You - you’re right,’ whispered Rachelle.