z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Last Light Companion [Chapter 4.1]

by Lightsong


Conversation with the Impossible

Jannah asked them to come over her house for a sleepover. When asked why, she answered it would be helpful if she had them when the pencil started to move by itself, or when a blue light appeared. Rachelle agreed rather excitedly, although she said it would require some persuading to gain her parents’ permission. The same went to Manisha, although hers were a bit lenient, and would not mind as long as it was Rachelle who took her to Jannah’s place. Rachelle’s parents were worried with the thought of their daughter going out at night, even with a friend accompanying her; Manisha’s parents, while trusting their daughter’s decision, would only agree if she went with Rachelle.

Rachelle and Manisha promised to come at Jannah’s house around six in the evening. Jannah bid them farewell and went to her car.

*

Jannah was washing the dishes as the Friday’s prayer during the afternoon ended. She wiped her sweat with the back of her wrist, then continued. The plates and glasses in the sink were not much, but they had been abandoned since that morning. Neither she or Mother had the time to clean them.

Since Father died, she had taken the role as a cook. Mother, being a busy accountant, did not have time to learn it. Aunt Fatimah, Jannah’s neighbour, had been teaching Jannah to cook since she found out Father had passed away. That almost-half-a-century woman had been exchanging foods with him, and he said she was the better cook. Mother had initially refused to receive her help since Mother said it would burden her, but Aunt Fatimah’s persuasion skill was as excellent as her cooking.

Jannah cleaned her hands with the dry towel near the sink after placing the plates into the shelf stuck to the opposite wall. She looked at the table at the corner of the doorless room. She could not see it, but the tudung saji covered the foods she had made. Those would be enough for a couple of days. One, if Rachelle and Manisha were hungry. The refrigerator stored snacks she had bought on the way to her home, so food would not be an issue. she had also messaged Mother about their arrivals; Mother was fine with it, although she still referred to them as Michelle and Tanusha. Jannah did not bother to correct her; she would realize it eventually.

She released her tiredness through a long exhale and went to the living room, sitting on the couch. Soon, her subconscious took place...

*

She woke up only to find the room exactly as it was. The huge, flat television in front of her, devoid of bright colours; the peach, cozy couch on which she rested; the glass table at her side with newspapers needing some arrangements; the living room dark with the light above the ceiling unused; the spinning fan above; a faint of light creeping through the door-less room at her other side. She forgot to switch off the light there.

And yet, she felt something different. There was something off with all of these, but she could not figure out in what way. What was the time now, anyway? She glanced at the clock hung on the wall above the television, and blinked. It was past eight o’clock in the evening. Mother should arrived an hour ago; her friends should be here earlier than that. Then, why was there no one alerting her? She went to the window, passing through another couch placed at the lower part of the room, and pushed aside the curtain. The area in front of the house’s gate was empty; no one had arrived here or waited for her.

This is weird, she thought, and went to her room, ascending the stairs at her right, placed at the opposite wall of the television and couches. Her room was straight ahead the stairs; she opened the door and--

She pulled back, falling to the floor on her butt, her eyes widened, her mouth opened but uttered nothing. A blue spherical light floated in the room, brightening a fair part of it.

‘I thought visiting you like this would prevent you from avoiding me,’ said it with a young male voice. ‘It is the best way to communicate with you.’

She willed herself to stand, her eyes fixated on the light. What had it done? Was it the reason no one had arrived yet? What did it want from her? Was it going to press her more about saving her? She realized she could not run away from it forever; there would be a time when she needed to confront it, whatever it was. And the time, unfortunately, was now.

‘What are you?’ whispered her, folding her hands to fists to suppress them from trembling. ‘What do you want from me? Why me?’

‘Your world is in danger,’ said it, worry bleeding in its voice. ‘They continue to fight but to no avail. The enemies should be stopped immediately. We must unite to rid the corrupted evil.’

She frowned; it was speaking in riddles. What did it mean with her world being in danger? The world was always in danger; crimes happened everyday, followed by disasters caused by people. It was not something new. They continued to fight but to no avail? Well, the activists would always fight for what was right. Those who were rich enough to exploit others for their own benefits should be stopped.

She shook her head. She was not dealing with a mere human, but a creature of light. She did not understand why this was possible, only that it was happening right now. And she should not jump into conclusions.

‘What do you mean?’ asked her. She was glad her voice had sounded firmer.

‘It was our mistake to come here at first. We did not know in what way humans could influence us, but we know now. They do, too. They were once a part of us, but now evil rules them. They intend to destroy you. All of you. It is for that reason that we have to become one. We have to fight them.’

She was not prepared for the torrent of words, so they left her stunned. The light did not help her in understanding more about its message; in contrary, it triggered more questions from her. What mistake? Human’s influence? Who were they? How could it and Jannah unite, and what way they could fight others who were ‘once a part’ of the light? Out of a sudden, she could hear something. The bell ringing.

‘My time is running out. Soon, you would awake,’ it continued. ‘I thought I could not be able to manipulate your dream, but it appears I am wrong. We would meet next time --’

‘I plan for my friends to see you tonight,’ blurted she. ‘They’re going to sleep at my room. I thought you’d give me a message again.’

Silence. After what felt like years, the light spoke. ‘I trust no one other than you. Someone is watching, Jannah. I can feel that, although I do not know who. I have given you enough hints of my existence, and others would notice them too. Soon, they would hunt you. It goes back to what I have said. We must unite and fight back.’

Her spirit had already diminished after hearing the first sentence. It would not going to appear tonight; perhaps it would not give her a message, either. How could she prove it to them if it did not want to cooperate? She wanted her friends to experience what she had. She wanted them to join in whatever it was she had been involved at. She wanted their support. The light did not want to give that to her.

‘You said you can only trust me,’ said she, ‘and I want you to trust me on this. They’re my friends. They won’t betray me, if that’s what you’re implying. Please appear tonight. If you want me to fight with you, I need to have them to keep me strong.’ She hoped her voice would be convincing enough to gain sympathy. The bell rang again.

‘Very well,’ it replied quickly, surprising her. ‘If that is what it takes to gain your help. However, I warn you. If any of those you trust betray you after what I showed to them, I would never appear to anyone unless I myself have the reason to do so. We are talking about the fate of humankind, Jannah.’


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Fri Sep 23, 2016 9:47 pm
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BluesClues wrote a review...



Okay. My first thought on this chapter is that this part could probably just be cut.

Jannah asked them to come over her house for a sleepover. When asked why, she answered it would be helpful if she had them when the pencil started to move by itself, or when a blue light appeared. Rachelle agreed rather excitedly, although she said it would require some persuading to gain her parents’ permission. The same went to Manisha, although hers were a bit lenient, and would not mind as long as it was Rachelle who took her to Jannah’s place. Rachelle’s parents were worried with the thought of their daughter going out at night, even with a friend accompanying her; Manisha’s parents, while trusting their daughter’s decision, would only agree if she went with Rachelle.
Rachelle and Manisha promised to come at Jannah’s house around six in the evening. Jannah bid them farewell and went to her car.


If you don’t want to cut all of it, my suggestion is to dramatize part of it as a scene. Right now it reads like a summary and doesn’t seem that important. But you could just cut out the part about how Jannah’s friends’ mothers reacted to letting them come over and write out Rachel and Manisha’s reactions to being invited over to see a weird orb of light. Perhaps one of them is excited and likes to believe the unbelievable, while the other is more skeptical. This would characterize Jannah’s two friends by showing us what they think of the impossible, plus it would make the following scene—when Jannah finds the house empty—a lot more dramatic. Where are her friends? Why aren’t they there, when we know they were so excited to find out more?

I liked that Jannah stood her ground on the friends issue, but it surprised me that the orb actually agreed with so little resistance.

‘I plan for my friends to see you tonight,’ blurted she. ‘They’re going to sleep at my room. I thought you’d give me a message again.’
Silence. After what felt like years, the light spoke. ‘I trust no one other than you. Someone is watching, Jannah. I can feel that, although I do not know who. I have given you enough hints of my existence, and others would notice them too. Soon, they would hunt you. It goes back to what I have said. We must unite and fight back.’
Her spirit had already diminished after hearing the first sentence. It would not going to appear tonight; perhaps it would not give her a message, either. How could she prove it to them if it did not want to cooperate? She wanted her friends to experience what she had. She wanted them to join in whatever it was she had been involved at. She wanted their support. The light did not want to give that to her.
‘You said you can only trust me,’ said she, ‘and I want you to trust me on this. They’re my friends. They won’t betray me, if that’s what you’re implying. Please appear tonight. If you want me to fight with you, I need to have them to keep me strong.’ She hoped her voice would be convincing enough to gain sympathy. The bell rang again.
‘Very well,’ it replied quickly, surprising her. ‘If that is what it takes to gain your help. However, I warn you. If any of those you trust betray you after what I showed to them, I would never appear to anyone unless I myself have the reason to do so. We are talking about the fate of humankind, Jannah.’


I’m not sure if you have a real plot reason to do this or if it’s just that you really, really wanted Jannah’s friends to see the orb.

If you do have a real plot reason, then it’s okay that the orb agrees, but maybe you could make it a little more difficult. If you don’t have a plot reason, that conversation probably needs to end the opposite way. Then the next scene could be Rachel and Manisha coming over—Jannah could either explain to them that the orb doesn’t want to meet them (cue friends saying things like, “Well, that’s convenient”), or she could keep her trap shut and deal with her friends’ reactions when the orb doesn’t show as promised. Or both—she could try explaining, the friends could be like “oh, SURE” or “oh, come on” or “but we were so excited,” and then she could shut and wait with them even though she knows (and has told them) it’s not coming.

Which will be even more dramatic for readers if you rewrite that opening part as a scene with dialogue, because we’ll see how excited Rachel and Manisha are to see what’s going on and then how disappointed/angry/betrayed they feel when nothing happens.




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Fri Sep 23, 2016 2:00 am
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Carlito wrote a review...



Hello hello! Another chapter to take out of the green room! :D

The part of this chapter I enjoyed the most was the end segment when the light showed up. I'm really glad that the plot has significantly moved forward here by the light explaining to Jannah why it is here and what it needs from Jannah. There was a lot of suspenseful moments and a lot of interesting seeds planted, there is certainly a lot more I want to know about the light and exactly what is going on.

I think I've mentioned breaking up scenes to you before and the pros and cons of doing that? In this part of the chapter, I think there are too many breaks. This is only part one of the whole chapter so I'm guessing there will be more scene breaks as the chapter continues. I'm afraid the prose will start to sound choppy or underdeveloped because just as we start to get acquainted with a scene, it changes.

I'm not sure the first little part before the first scene break is necessary. It's telling, and all it's doing is setting up what's going to happen later in the story. I think you have two options. First option, you could condense that way down and have a line or two at the beginning explaining that Rachelle and Manisha are coming over later and she hopes to be able to show them the blue light and then continue with the dish washing scene. If you think that moment at the beginning with the girls is really important, then I would go with option two which would be to expand that scene and show us the conversation. Right now it doesn't feel important because it's so short. It feels like it's there just to set the chapter up and you don't need that. If it's important, make it more important, otherwise condense it :)

Same with the dish washing scene. I think this would be a great time to show a conversation or some interaction between Jannah and her family members. This scene is also pretty short and sort of felt like it was there to set things up for her to doze off and see the light again. I think it's necessary to have some sort of scene before she sees the light again, but I think you could develop it a bit more. Use it as a means to develop a sub-plot or some of the other minor characters. Use it to show more of Jannah's personality or who her family is. It doesn't have to go on for pages and pages because the most important point is her conversation with the light, but I think a bit more would be good :)

I'm very sleepy so I'm not going to dig into a bunch of specific thoughts, but if you are interested in that I can go back and do that for you! I'm looking forward to learning more about what this light wants/needs and what Jannah's friends are going to think when they see it! Let me know if you have any questions or if anything was confusing and I'll see you soon! :D




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Sun Aug 28, 2016 10:25 pm
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Mea wrote a review...



Back again! Sorry if this one's a bit short - I'm a little pressed for time right now, but I wanted to get this in before the end of Review Day.

Jannah asked them to come over her house for a sleepover. When asked why, she answered it would be helpful if she had them when the pencil started to move by itself, or when a blue light appeared. Rachelle agreed rather excitedly, although she said it would require some persuading to gain her parents’ permission. The same went to Manisha, although hers were a bit lenient, and would not mind as long as it was Rachelle who took her to Jannah’s place. Rachelle’s parents were worried with the thought of their daughter going out at night, even with a friend accompanying her; Manisha’s parents, while trusting their daughter’s decision, would only agree if she went with Rachelle.

This whole paragraph just felt quite awkward. The sentences were oddly constructed, and I'm not convinced you really need to mention anything that specific about Rachelle and Manisha's parents. You could just say that it took a minute to convince them, but they eventually agreed. Basically condense it. In fact, I think it'd be better if you just jumped straight in with Jannah doing the dishes, and then she looks at the clock and notes that they're going to come over in an hour or however long it is, instead of having a scene break.

Also, while I completely understand the light's hesistation to trust Jannah's friends, I don't really get why he says all that cryptic stuff about the world being in danger and about humans' connection to the lights. Why not just actually explain to her what's going on? It's a small pet peeve of mine, when people who know more than the main character just ramble cryptically instead of actually explaining. Maybe he thinks she's not ready yet? I don't know, he's just not handling it very well and I feel like there should be a reason.

In general, I thought this chapter had more awkward sentences than last time. I'll point out a few of them.

Soon, her subconscious took place...

This just doesn't really make sense. I'd delete the line entirely and just say she lay on the couch - it's pretty obvious from the first few paragraphs after the scene break that she's dreaming

Soon, you would awake....I thought I could not be able to manipulate your dream
'Would' should be "will." "Would" is used in hypotheticals. So in the second part, you'd use "would," not could.

That's all I've got right now - sorry, I'm just really out of time. Hope this helped a bit, and looking forward to the next part!




Lightsong says...


Thanks for the review! The light is a Cryptic. can't help myself huehuehue



Mea says...


o.o Spoilers!




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