Okay. My first thought on this chapter is that this part could probably just be cut.
Jannah asked them to come over her house for a sleepover. When asked why, she answered it would be helpful if she had them when the pencil started to move by itself, or when a blue light appeared. Rachelle agreed rather excitedly, although she said it would require some persuading to gain her parents’ permission. The same went to Manisha, although hers were a bit lenient, and would not mind as long as it was Rachelle who took her to Jannah’s place. Rachelle’s parents were worried with the thought of their daughter going out at night, even with a friend accompanying her; Manisha’s parents, while trusting their daughter’s decision, would only agree if she went with Rachelle.
Rachelle and Manisha promised to come at Jannah’s house around six in the evening. Jannah bid them farewell and went to her car.
If you don’t want to cut all of it, my suggestion is to dramatize part of it as a scene. Right now it reads like a summary and doesn’t seem that important. But you could just cut out the part about how Jannah’s friends’ mothers reacted to letting them come over and write out Rachel and Manisha’s reactions to being invited over to see a weird orb of light. Perhaps one of them is excited and likes to believe the unbelievable, while the other is more skeptical. This would characterize Jannah’s two friends by showing us what they think of the impossible, plus it would make the following scene—when Jannah finds the house empty—a lot more dramatic. Where are her friends? Why aren’t they there, when we know they were so excited to find out more?
I liked that Jannah stood her ground on the friends issue, but it surprised me that the orb actually agreed with so little resistance.
‘I plan for my friends to see you tonight,’ blurted she. ‘They’re going to sleep at my room. I thought you’d give me a message again.’
Silence. After what felt like years, the light spoke. ‘I trust no one other than you. Someone is watching, Jannah. I can feel that, although I do not know who. I have given you enough hints of my existence, and others would notice them too. Soon, they would hunt you. It goes back to what I have said. We must unite and fight back.’
Her spirit had already diminished after hearing the first sentence. It would not going to appear tonight; perhaps it would not give her a message, either. How could she prove it to them if it did not want to cooperate? She wanted her friends to experience what she had. She wanted them to join in whatever it was she had been involved at. She wanted their support. The light did not want to give that to her.
‘You said you can only trust me,’ said she, ‘and I want you to trust me on this. They’re my friends. They won’t betray me, if that’s what you’re implying. Please appear tonight. If you want me to fight with you, I need to have them to keep me strong.’ She hoped her voice would be convincing enough to gain sympathy. The bell rang again.
‘Very well,’ it replied quickly, surprising her. ‘If that is what it takes to gain your help. However, I warn you. If any of those you trust betray you after what I showed to them, I would never appear to anyone unless I myself have the reason to do so. We are talking about the fate of humankind, Jannah.’
I’m not sure if you have a real plot reason to do this or if it’s just that you really, really wanted Jannah’s friends to see the orb.
If you do have a real plot reason, then it’s okay that the orb agrees, but maybe you could make it a little more difficult. If you don’t have a plot reason, that conversation probably needs to end the opposite way. Then the next scene could be Rachel and Manisha coming over—Jannah could either explain to them that the orb doesn’t want to meet them (cue friends saying things like, “Well, that’s convenient”), or she could keep her trap shut and deal with her friends’ reactions when the orb doesn’t show as promised. Or both—she could try explaining, the friends could be like “oh, SURE” or “oh, come on” or “but we were so excited,” and then she could shut and wait with them even though she knows (and has told them) it’s not coming.
Which will be even more dramatic for readers if you rewrite that opening part as a scene with dialogue, because we’ll see how excited Rachel and Manisha are to see what’s going on and then how disappointed/angry/betrayed they feel when nothing happens.
Points: 91980
Reviews: 1735
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