The school ended at three in the evening. This was one of its advantageous; in Jasnah’s previous school, the last lesson ended no more than one in the afternoon. But then again, Taman Tun Dr. Ismail School had one recess time only, while Desa Mahkota had two. Still, it was more tiring studying in Desa Mahkota. Perhaps this was what it took to go to the university; perhaps, in the university, the lessons schedule would be much tighter.
As the last student exited the class, Jasnah asked Rachelle and Manisha to stay there with her. Rachelle, with her slightly slanted eyes, looked at Jasnah knowingly while Manisha’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion, but they both did what Jasnah said. When she was sure they were alone, she caught Dafina, the tall, slender girl with a white school scarf wrapped around her head walking through the corridor outside of the classroom. She stopped and shot Jasnah a pointed glance, then walked away, her two minions tailing behind her.
Jasnah sighed. She remembered yesterday when the discipline teacher, Mr. Muaz, instructed her to go to his office just a few minutes after recess. When she arrived, she saw Dafina seated in front of him, her rigid posture a sign to Jasnah that she had not let the humiliation pass. Oh boy, Jasnah though. Is she going to blame me for that water thingy now?
There was no need to recall that now. She did not get into any kind of trouble yesterday; the floating glass was too fantastical to be true in Mr. Muaz’s opinion. As Dafina’s last minion disappeared, Jasnah turned her attention to her friends. Before she spoke up, Rachelle stood and went out of the class, looking left and right, ensuring no one was nearby. She then took her seat. Manisha, tilting her head, was still clueless.
‘Go on,’ prompted Rachelle, leaning forward. ‘Tell us about yesterday.’
‘Yester—’ Something must have come to Manisha mind as Manisha’s eyes widened, her hands clutched. ‘Oh my God, you’re talking about the freaky floating glass?’
Jasnah closed her eyes and nodded. She opened them and took a deep breath. ‘I’m not sure if that glass has a connection to the events that’ve happened before, but yeah, it isn’t the first time.’ She paused, and looked at them intensely. ‘Before this, unexplainable things happened.’
Manisha wanted to say something, but Rachelle hushed her. ‘Don’t interrupt her.’ Jasnah could see Manisha’s huff as reply, but she kept silence.
‘Well, the first time it happened a month ago, it wasn’t in public,’ Jasnah started. The said event happened on early January. ‘In fact, none of it happened where people could notice until the floating glass. Anyway, when I was in my room’s toilet, the pipe turned on by itself—’
Manisha gasped, Rachelle cut in. ‘Are you sure something didn’t turn it on?’
Jasnah stared at Rachelle. Don’t interrupt her? The Chinese girl was ironic at times. Jasnah shook her head. ‘I’m not sure. I freaked out, of course, ran away from the toilet. My throat went dry, so I went to the kitchen. It was late at night, the light wasn’t on; I went to the wall beside me where the switch was at. I was about to reach it when the place was lighted by itself.’
At this, her friends burst another set of reactions; Rachelle mouthed ‘wow’ while Manisha uttered a barely audible ‘what?’
All of this encouraged Jasnah to tell more. ‘The next Monday, another event happened. This one was subtle. I knew my bag was heavy, full of books, but when I carried it behind me, it felt light. Extremely, unusually light. Three unusual events so far. Four more to go.
‘The fourth one happened the third week, and it almost gave me a heart attack. I was passing by a field, kids played football there. When I turned my sight from them, someone shouted, “Watch out!”, and I felt wind slapping my face, a swift blurry object flying across my eyes. A few feet away from me, a ball was on the floor. I picked it up with trembling hands and threw it to the boys and walked fastly away from them. I had been sure the ball should’ve hit me.’
‘Thank God it didn’t hit your face,’ Rachelle murmured. Manisha had gone silent, but her eyes were focused on Jasnah.
‘At weekend, I tried to experiment. I suspected if something went wrong, that strange event would happen again. So, while I was walking to the community library, I dropped my pen into the river. When I arrived at the library, the pen was at its glass entrance. Lastly, the floating glass.’
‘Hold up,’ said Rachelle, counting her fingers. ‘Pipe turned on, light turned on, ball missed, bag seemed lighter, pen appeared, glass floated—all of them were six. Not seven.’
Jasnah gasped, and put her hand on her mouth. ‘I forgot—the one right before the floating glass.’ She leaned forward and dropped her voice. ‘I was watching the Conjuring 2 alone in the house. Since it was night, I turned down the volume. When the part where the nun ghost showed up...’
Manisha took a sharp breath and held it off.
‘The volume went up!’ said Jasnah, raising her voice a bit.
Instinctively, Rachelle chuckled and said ‘WTF’ while Manisha took one of her books and slapped it on Jasnah’s shoulder. ‘Don’t scare me like that!’ she squealed, only to receive a giggle from Jasnah.
‘It was true. I jumped on the sofa and let out a shriek. At that time, I knew whatever was happening to me wouldn’t harm me, although it would scare me.’ Jasnah rubbed her shoulder which only hurt slightly. ‘The moment with the ball made me think something was protecting me, but I wasn’t sure. Still am.’ She paused. ‘What, do you guys believe me?’
Rachelle shrugged. ‘It was hard not to after the floating glass incident. My life has been mundane; this thing would make it more exciting.’ She turned to Manisha. ‘What about you?’
Manisha bit her lower lip. ‘Well... you guys know me. I believe everything happens for a reason... and what you’ve just said, Jasnah, isn’t logical.’ She hesitated. ‘But I’m with Rachelle; if not for what had happened yesterday, I’d assume you were making up all this stuff.’
A wave of relief washed over Jasnah. They believed her; she should not doubt them. They knew her, knew she would not lie over something like this. It brought a smile to her face, knowing she would not have to deal with this alone—the thought of having no one to help if something dangerous would happen was the only thing she was afraid of. ‘Thanks, girls.’
‘Well, what now?’ Rachelle asked. ‘Are you going to let it all pass, or are you going to investigate it? You know we’re here for you in case if you need anything.’
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137,545 Literary Works • 672,042 Reviews
hihi
You've got some good dialogue in here, I must say. Jasnah, Manisha, and Rachelle's relationship seemed nice and natural, and I liked that they had a bit of banter. It made the whole thing seem realistic. It's interesting to hear more about the weird things that are happening around Jasnah, though I am still curious to find out how long this has been going on for. I get the feeling that Jasnah's reveal to her friends could be what gets the ball rolling in terms of plot and what not, so I'm definitely looking forward to what the following chapters will hold.
In terms of critiques, I've got more of a suggestion really. I think this conversation could have a better impact if Jasnah described a few events in more detail, as opposed to the not as detailed seven you have now. Partly because seven is more than enough, and if Jasnah described 2-4 evens in detail as well as the water one, it would suffice. It would be more engaging for readers too, as it'll feel more like Jasnah is telling us a story, as opposed to her just listing the things that have happened to her. Plus I'd like to know a bit more about some events. For example, when the backpack felt light despite there being books in there, did Jasnah check to see that everything was still there? How about the pen incident? Did she check it was the same pen? Did she go back to the river to confirm it? I just think less, more detailed stories would be better than what you have now!
I also find it a little odd that Manisha and Rachelle believe Jasnah as easily as they do. It's not that I expect them not to believe her, but I would expect them to be a little suspicious. Not 100% convinced of Jasnah's apparent powers, anyway. As it stands, it comes across like Jasnah's telling them all of these weird stories, and they're just eating it up without question. They ask her if she's sure the pipe didn't get turned on by something else and stuff like that, which is good, but they still believe it a bit too easily for my liking. Perhaps at the end of this, instead of having them be all like yep, we 100% believe you, have them be a little unsure. They can still offer support and say they'll help Jasnah figure it out, but make it so they're a bit wary.
Anywho, critiques and suggestions aside, this definitely has a lot of potential. I still can't predict where this will go plot-wise, which as I said last time is a good thing, so I'm intrigued to see how things will progress. So far, so good!
Keep writing,
xoxo S(k)ins
Hey, Light! I've come as requested! C:
So far I think this is a cool beginning. We've got weird things going on, a group of friends that are curious in said weird stuff, and I like the feel of this piece- you have a cool style, I think I've mentioned before! ^-^
Carlito covered a lot, but we'll see what we can do.
How was it more tiring studying in Desa Mahkota? Maybe explain to us why that is, because we honestly have no idea (unless you explained this in previous parts but I don't think you did)- and when you say something, it's good to back it up because, well, we have no other way of knowing!
Most of your dialogue I thought felt quite realistic, and I liked it. This small bit though felt really awkward. I've never known of any of my girlfriends to refer to the rest of us as girls to us, that was always something older people would call us- like parents and uncles and aunts. Maybe that's just me though? But do you know any boys that would be like "Thanks, boys" to their buddy's? I mean, I could kind of see it if they were joking, but there's no obvious implication that the girls were joking, from what I can tell.
The only real thing I wanted to mention was that I found myself getting lost while reading. I think it's because you don't really show us where they are- you said they were in a school, but maybe describe what's happening? Are there other people around besides them? Are they walking? Sitting? Loitering?
This also sort of branches out to the characters- what do they look like today? Are they tired? How are their actions different from one another. I found that the girls sort of just blended in together and I only knew them by name. Now, you could argue that that's because this is a short work and I haven't read other parts - and you certainly wouldn't be wrong - but I still feel like I'd have a better grasp of who acts like what. Does one of them say "weird" oddly? Does one chew their lip a lot? Maybe one has a habit of talking with her hands and has nearly hit some people in the past? Not only do these things give your characters individuality/character, it helps us get to know them better, too, and helps us follow who's talking.
Other than that I thought this was pretty good! I'm interested to see what is causing all the weird stuff to happen- weird stuff is always interesting. XD
Keep it up! ^_^
-Socks
Hello again!
I'm going to start with my specific thoughts and talk a bit more generally at the end.
You don't need "the", and I would say "afternoon" instead of "evening". I think of afternoon from like 12 - 5 and evening from like 5 - 10.
Why is it an advantage to end later in the day rather than earlier?
I think you could slow this down a bit more, break this into more than one paragraph, and show us a bit more. For example, you say "Jasnah asked Rachelle and Manisha to stay there" - you could show us that and then in a new paragraph show the girls reactions like you did here. Then there could be another new paragraph that shows Dafina walking by and what she does. I don't think you need to describe Dafina again because she was described earlier in this chapter and I remember her pretty well.
I'm not sure you need this thought in there. It's a bit confusing because this is an event that happened yesterday, so this is a thought she had yesterday, right? I think it's clear from how you've described that situation that Dafina is not happy with Jasnah and she clearly hasn't gotten over it yet. So I don't think this thought really tells us anything new.
I want a bit more information about their positioning in this classroom. Are all three of them sitting at desks to talk or are Rachelle and Manisha sitting but Jasnah is standing in front of them? And where is the teacher did he/she leave when all the students left? Are students allowed to hang around classrooms after school without any sort of supervision?
Remember when you have dialogue to use full quotation marks " " instead of just an apostrophe.
I think you can combine these two pieces of dialogue. "...but yeah, it isn't the first time unexplainable things have happened." Same idea, just a bit more concise.
Also, can you think of another word or another way to say "unexplainable"? My computer tells me it's not a word
You can simplify that last line like: "Manisha huffed, but kept silent." It's implied that the girls see this because we know they're all sitting near each other and we (the reader) see it, so why wouldn't they?
Thinking again about how we can make this more concise. The second sentence - is it crucial for us to know that this happened in early January? In the third sentence - clarify what "it" is.
I'm not sure this is necessary. It is a bit ironic that Rachelle interrupted after she told Manisha not to, but the reader will notice that irony without Jasnah reminding us. I think you could go right into Jasnah shaking her head and answering. If you really want Jasnah to notice, I think you could leave the "Jasnah stared at Rachelle" and then include a feeling related to Rachelle's interruption. An example: "Jasnah stared at Rachelle, surprised that she interrupted after calling Manisha out earlier."
I was about to reach it when the light turned on by itself.
You don't need to set up the reactions, just show us the reactions. I would cut everything before the semi-colon.
I have a couple of thoughts about this. First, do we really need to hear about seven different events? Are each one of them important in their own right so we need to know about all of them, or could that be condensed?
No matter how many events you include, I wouldn't alert the reader to how many you're going to include. I can't imagine someone saying this line in a regular conversation, and as a reader, now I'm thinking 'omg we're not even half-way through, this is going to take forever'. It doesn't take forever, but you want your reader to feel excited to keep going, not burdened by having to get through a list. I would just keep the momentum going and have her keep telling these little stories, how ever many she needs to tell to get the point across, but without counting the stories or having her tell us how many more are coming. Each little story and instance is interesting, and I think the reader will be motivated to keep reading for that reason alone.
"This weekend" or "Last weekend"
I don't think this is necessary because we already know about the floating glass. If the pen story is the last one she tells, I would assume that the next weird thing that happened to her is the glass thing.
I'm not sure I would include this story. We've already gotten a pretty good picture of the weird things that have been happening to this girl. This story doesn't add much to that information, and this story could also distance your readers. I know the Conjuring is a scary movie, but not all readers are going to know that. Having that title in there could confuse people because they might not be familiar with it. I haven't seen it because I don't watch scary movies, so I have no idea what she's talking about when she mentions the nun ghost showing up. If you really want to include this story, I would make it a tad more vague. "I was watching a scary movie alone in the house." instead of naming the actual movie.
How did she know it wouldn't harm her and only scare her?
Their conversation seems to end a bit abruptly. I'm not sure if you have more planned for this chapter or if this is it, but that conversation felt a little unfinished. I was also a bit surprised that the girls believed her and were so willing to jump on board and help. They did witness one of the events, but if I was in that situation, I would want a lot more information from my friend about what she thinks is going on and what she plans to do about it. I want some theories about what is happening here and some real thought and processing before they all say "okay we'll help you no matter what!"
Overall, just like BL/GL I think this story has a lot of promise and there's a lot you could do with it. You've planted a lot of really interesting plot seeds and I would be very curious to see how this all gets developed. I think I feel a bit more attached to BL/GL, but I'm sure part of that is that I've just spent a lot more time with it and those characters than I have with this cast. I think either story has the potential to be super interesting, so let me know which one you decide to go with and I'll keep on reviewing for you if you're still interested!