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you are my place

by Leviari


You

are my place

not a palace, not a mansion,

not a pretty cottage by the lake.

You are a tiny studio

in an old building; all bricks and cement

with dying plants and obnoxious curtains.

You are my books on the shelf.

You are my perfume in the cabinet.

You are the fresh groceries on the counter.

You are the lock I fumble with

after a long day - as I toss my keys

and kick my shoes

I stumble to

you.


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Sat Jun 01, 2019 10:48 pm
demoncat wrote a review...



This is demoncat revewing.


So omg this is totally the kind of place I would love to live In. And with so few words this poem is so descriptive. It's like im there at this place and im like all tired kicking off my shoes and stuff. And I can totally see myself fumbling with keys someday. Like it's like im living the life through this poem and it's amazing. It transports you to like a when new world. Wow. I love this so much.




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Thu May 02, 2019 4:17 am
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alliyah wrote a review...



Hello there! Thanks for requesting a review in my WRFF thread. :)

A few grammatical & spelling notes before getting to content.

you -> because elsewhere in the poem you capitalized the first word of a sentence, to stay consistent I think you should capitalize 'you' here as well.
are my place
not a palace, not a mansion <- add a comma after "mansion"
not a pretty cottage by the lake.
You are a tiny studio
in an old building all bricks and cement
<- maybe a semi-colon after "building"
with dying plants and obnoxious curtains.
You are my books on the shelf
You are my perfume in the cabinet
You are the fresh groceries on the counter.
<- in the 3 lines above, you should either put a period at the end of each line, or un-capitalize "you" to stay consistent with the rest of the piece.
You are the lock I fumble with
after a long day - as I toss my keys
and kick my shoes
<- maybe a period or comma here?
I stumble to
you.


Alright, no big issues there, just a few commas/period/capitalization things to stay consistent. But everything made sense, and the spelling was good.

Interpretation
I interpreted this poem to an extended metaphor but the descriptors were so varied and there was no "reveal" at the end, so the reader has to guess at what all these metaphors hint at. I'm assuming that the metaphor is all to describe someone that they love, but it could just be a sense of home, or an old cat too. The cryptic-ness of the poem was interesting, but I would have liked if there was one line, where as a reader I could have went AWE this is clearly about a person! But as it is, the reader is just left guessing.

I think the metaphor of a home to a person is potentially controversial in today's age, one has to be very careful with making objectifying poems, or else it risks coming off as materialistic, and shallow, but I felt like the examples were interesting enough that we didn't really run into the issue. The one problem with the interpretation of the place as a person were some of the negative lines could be taken too far - for instance "you are when I kick my shoes" <- sort of evokes abuse? What else could that rationally refer to? I think it's meant to depict casual - care-freeness, but maybe see if you can find a different sort of descriptor there maybe something more nostalgic? Even if you put "kick-off my shoes" it'd clarify that they aren't kicking their love, but just are comfortable.

The obnoxious curtains was another line that just didn't hit for me, I didn't get what it was trying to describe - and "obnoxious" tends to be one of those blank adjectives like "great"/"wonderful"/"loud" - it doesn't evoke very much imagery.

Formatting
I saw a few critiques on your formatting, I have to say I normally don't like poems being centered as a personal preference (as it reduces end-word impact, and tends to highlight line-length inconsistency)- but I thought this one actually worked for being centered especially because the poem ends and begins with the same words - so it creates a neat parallel, as the reader is forced to read slower at these two important sections of the poem.
I also think for such a short poem there is no need at all to break it up into more stanzas, it's all one place and one thought - it's clear enough as it is.

Overall
This poem made unique comparisons, but there could have been a bit more continuity running through them all - like some thread that makes them all go together, and a few of the metaphors seemed a bit stretched and difficult to decipher what they might mean, but overall it's an enjoyable poem with a few nice pieces of imagery littered throughout.

Well done!

- alliyah




Leviari says...


Thank you for your detailed and honest review, I really appreciated your critiques. I corrected the punctuation and I have to admit it's so much better now. Thank you very much!

Regarding the interpretation, I didn't consider my poem could have been controversial and I didn't want to hint to abuse or objectification. It was just my attempt to actually celebrate my idea of true love: nothing fancy or particularly romantic, just the raw intimacy of a domestic life with its up and downs. I guess it was my way to write about a special someone with whom we feel totally comfortable and with whom we can be ourselves. Someone who, no matter what, will be there for you with open arms.
I understand I should have been more clear and I'll try my best to be open and try to interpret the meaning of my own writing from different perspectives.

I'd like to thank you again for this very helpful review, I will probably seek your great advice for some of my future works, if you don't mind :)



alliyah says...


You're welcome! :)



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Wed May 01, 2019 7:49 pm
Myers wrote a review...



Myers here. Let's agree to disagree, shall we?

First of all, it is a beautiful imagery of what someone can be in our daily lives. So bravo for successfully executing that.

I understand that you have written this as a one stanza poem, but consider dividing it into stanzas of three lines each.

It you still want it to be a one stanza poem, consider making it go with the flow of each previous line, like the first three lines do.

Free verse is kind of my thing, but it happens, sometimes, not always that words seems fit for a rhyme scheme as well. If you read these first three lines:

you

are my place

not a palace, not a mansion

not a pretty cottage by the lake


Here, you would feel that it has that nice flow that goes with in any poem with a rhyme scheme. Your poem would look smoother If you continue the poem with the same tune that you have in the first three lines.




Leviari says...


I understand what you're criticizing, thank you for taking the time to review. I probably haven't paid enough attention to the overall flow and construction of the poem... I will try to rewrite it and adjust where it's needed and see if I can tastefully separate it in a few stanzas. Thank you again!



Myers says...


You are welcome, and I hope you believe that these review a part of constructive criticism that will help you in become a poet.



Leviari says...


Absolutely! That's why I'm here :)



Myers says...


great!



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Wed May 01, 2019 2:24 am
Bullet wrote a review...



Hi! Oliver here to review.

First of all, I really like this poem. It's short and very, very sweet. I like that the imagery pertains to mundane, ordinary things found in every day life - perfume, groceries, keys, etc.

I feel like the "dying plants" and "obnoxious curtains" could be a reference to the bitter side of things? Like maybe a lovers' spat or just general things about your partner that tend to annoy you. It really gives the relationship you're describing in the poem a holistic feel - it's not all sunshine and daisies all the time. But even with the bad parts, your relationship is still like coming home - you get you used to the ugly things, and after a certain point you even start to love those too.

I do kind of feel like the way it's all one stanza kinda messes with the flow? I feel like there should be a line break between "not a pretty cottage by the lake / you are a tiny studio" and then again at "with dying plants and obnoxious curtains / you are my books on the shelf", and maybe even "you are the fresh groceries on the counter / you are the lock I fumble with". This would just help break the poem up a bit and help it seem more defined.

You might want to also edit the fourth to last line:

and kick my shoes


I would add "off" at the end of this for a bit of clarification. Just a suggestion though, as I know what you mean even without this.

Overall this was a sweet poem to read and I really enjoyed it!

Keep writing,

LordStar




Leviari says...


Thank you for your feedback! I will most definitely edit it and see if I like it better. I wrote this in just one stanza and with that layout because I wanted to make a visual alignment with the first and last "you" Also I tried to recreate the shape of a circle, which ideally it reminds me of an embrace. I don't know if I am making sense ahah. I have to admit I wasn't properly thinking about the poems flow though... I'll try to wrap my head around it! Thank you again



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Tue Apr 30, 2019 11:33 pm
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Alfonso says...



Wow! That is really a nice poem. As the saying goes, "Be it ever so humble there is no place like home. Sometimes we find that out the hard way when we visit and are made to feel unwelcomed after just a few days. It might be just a room or even just a cave, but there we can relax as we can relax in no other place. The poem ver nicely illustrates that point. Thanks for sharing.




Leviari says...


Thank you for reviewing!



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Tue Apr 30, 2019 4:09 pm
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FabihaNeera wrote a review...



Hello,

This poem is nicely written! I like the idea of it. It's short, and it has great imagery and comparisons. Each line flows really well to convey a nice and short story. I can't really tell whether you're talking about a person or something else at home after a long day... especially because of the seemingly random comparisons from books to perfumes to groceries. But it's still good to leave the reader thinking of how they can interpret this poem themselves! The way I can think of it is my bed at the end of a long day, lol.

Anyway, that's all from me! I didn't see anything wrong with the poem itself, it just has a really great idea and it was fun to read. I hope to read more of your work!

Keep Writing. :)




Leviari says...


Thank you for your feedback!!



FabihaNeera says...


Np :)



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Tue Apr 30, 2019 8:54 am
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FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...



Hello, FlamingPhoenix here with a short review for you on this lovely day. And I'm going to try and get this out the green room for you.

This is a really good poem you have here, it was full of emotion, and it had good images. I can just imagine, getting home from a long day of work, and just wanting to rest, that was a really good way to describe it.
I also like the way you write the poem, the way you wrote it was really good. And the stile goes well.
I also really like the name you those for this poem. When I saw it, I new I had to come and read it, and I'm glad I did.

Over all this was a really well written poem and I like loved reading and reviewing it for you, and having the chance to help get it out the green room. I hope you never stop writing and post more amazing works on YWS soon. Have a great day or night.

Your friend
FlamingPhoenix.
Reviewing with a fiery passion.




Leviari says...


Thank you so much for your nice and generous review!!





No problem! :D




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