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I have died a thousand times

by Leviari


I have died a thousand times
in my father’s disappointed eyes.

One thousand and one this time,   
killed by the hand of pride.

I counted one thousand and two
when I watched you leave,

left a note at one thousand and three:
I hope your sorrow dies with me.


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123 Reviews


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Sun May 05, 2019 6:09 pm
Zoom says...



I love stuff like this. Short. Punchy. Dramatic. That last line is brutal.

This is something to be proud of.

-Zoom




Leviari says...


Thank you very much, it means a lot to me :)



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Sat May 04, 2019 10:45 pm
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AmadeusW wrote a review...



That's really good, mate. You pack a powerful message into a short amount of time, and it says a lot. Using the metaphor of dying one thousand times is an excellent way to express how you feel in the situations you hint at in the poem. Also, the italicized last line is a good stylistic choice because it adds some... intensity, I suppose, for lack of a better word.
Some of the best poetry is poetry made to have reader's wonder all the different meanings that the author could have meant by what they said. I see this here in your poem, where I am left intrigued as to what could be meant by the words. Really good job on that. I have nothing to critique on, really, since it all looks great.
I have one question on poetry structure, and maybe you could look into this: When you have a poem made up of couplets such as these, would the general rule to capitalize the first letter of each line still apply? Just something to consider.

Nice work!




Leviari says...


Thank you for your feedback, it means a lot!
When it comes to capitalizing, I usually try to match it up with the punctuation more than the actual position of the word in the poem. You definitely made me consider the matter more, I'll look better into that! Thank you :)



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Sat May 04, 2019 9:37 pm



Simple and clear. Like it!




Leviari says...


Much appreciated :)



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Sat May 04, 2019 3:32 pm
Theia says...



Amazing work




Leviari says...


Thank you so much!



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Fri May 03, 2019 12:37 pm
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Myers wrote a review...



Myers here. Let's agree to disagree, shall we?

First of all, title is like that song by Christina Perri "A thousand years", which is why I got attracted to it.

About the title, well, I'd suggest keeping a title that is somewhat vague and revealing at the same time. You'd want to keep the suspense, right? How do feel about the title name " For a Thousand and a more" ?

The word "pride" in the second stanza feels a little out of the league.

The last stanza is what sum up the story very well. Brave for executing it in such a way.

Four stanza poem feels a little short ? Doesn't it? I think it's just me.

A beautiful expression of emotions.




Leviari says...


Thank you for your constructive criticism, I'll try to ponder better my titles :) I absolutely get what you mean about the word "pride" and I sort of had the same feelings. It's just something I really wanted to say... hopefully I'll find a way to convey the same meaning but with better phrasing.
Thank you again :)



Myers says...


Great!



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Fri May 03, 2019 9:21 am
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FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...



Hello, FlamingPhoenix here with a short review on your poem, on this lovely day. And to help get it out the green room.

Okay, let's start.

First off, when I saw your name it got me interested, and I had to come and read what you have written. It's a really good thing that your title to your work has that affect on your reader, that is how your going to gain more readers. SO great choice. Oh and another thing with your name, to me it felt like it has so much emotion in it. And that is what made me come and read your work.

Okay moving onto your poem.

Your poem also had so much emotion and meaning behind it, and it was really sad to read. I could feel all the things you wanted to get across to me through your words, so amazing job.
I did see that your poem was quit short, but I think if you had added anymore then you did. It would feel a but drawn out.
I think your spelling and punctuation was really, really good. I couldn't see anything wrong there.

Now onto the thing I would like to suggest. If you don't agree feel free to not fix it.

One thousand one:

I think this would flow a lot better if you put an, 'an' between the thousand and the one. I think it will flow a lot better. Here is what the line would sound like if you changed it.
One thousand an one:


Well other than that this poem was really fun to read and review. And I'm glad I had the chance to do so. I do hope you will post again on YWS soon. I hope you have an amazing day or night.

Your friend
FlamingPhoenix
Reviewing with a fiery passion.




Leviari says...


As I was expecting, your insight has yet again been very helpful. Thank you!
I adjusted a few small things here and there, I hope that now it flows better.
Thank you again :)





I read through the poem, and the changes are great, the flow is better now. I'm glad I could help you out.
And your very much welcome. :)



4revgreen says...


grammatically, it should be "a thousand and one" if you wanted to change that!




What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and is immortal.
— Albert Pines