Young Writers Society

Yo Leviari, how's it goin'?

My dude, I let out an audible "oof" after the first stanza because it hit hard. I can't remember the last time I scribbled something out.

In fact, I really like the vibe of your whole poem. You do a great job of integrating little images that anchor the poem well. I honestly don't usually like poetry about poetry. It seems a little pretentious, but your vibe here is well thought out and I dig it.

That being said, there's always room to grow. Here are just a few things that I noticed that I would consider changing for the better of the piece.

but roughly scribbled

Ya know, adverbs are just not my cup of tea. I recommend finding an image here to incorporate, like the other parts of the poem. Instead of saying "roughly," you might say "but scribbled by desperate hands" or "but scribbled on fragments of napkin" or something else to suggest a haphazard nature. I just want something more substantial here than "roughly." Don't tell us how something is done, show us how something is done.

My friend, the other big thing I saw in your poem was the use of one word lines. I felt like these were a little jarring, especially when the one word was nothing special. The only place the one word line really functions as it should is in the second to last stanza with the word "dying." I like the use of this here. It has weight and impact. Lending weight and impact to a conjunction like "but" is really a waste of a line. I'd consider breaking your lines differently to create a more cohesive flow, and to only use impact for the words that matter. One line words are like salt. A little in your soup, and it's delicious. Too much, and it's inedible.

I'd like to take a moment to agree with CorvusQueen's assessment of your punctuation. I understand punctuation as an artistic choice, but I do agree that I'd rather see a little more, or none at all. I think none at all would actually serve you a little better here-- it's got that kind of vibe going in the poem.

After everything is said and done, I really enjoyed this poem, and I hope you continue to post on YWS! This poem caused a really visceral reaction in me, and makes me want to buy more notebooks, and fill them up with chicken scratch like I used to. I hope this review proves useful to you!

Hello, FlamingPhoenix here yet again to review one of your poems on this lovely night, and like always to help get it out the green room.

Let's begin.

So over all I think this was a really well written poem, and I couldn't find a single thing wrong with it. Everything was very true in this poem, you can't really plan a poem, you just let the words flow on to the paper as they come to you. Everything went really well in this poem, the flow was really good everything just seemed to go, and I couldn't see any spelling mistake.
One more thing I want to say is what you said at the end

it’s never what I write
but
what I mourn.

I for one know this is very true, when ever I write a poem its normal about what is on my heart, and if I'm feeling sad or happy. It just seems to come onto the paper.

Again this was a really well written poem, and I'm glad I get yet again another chance to read and tell you my thought on this. I'll keep a look out for another one of your works on YWS. Never stop writing and have a great day or night.

Your friend and faithful reader
FlamingPhoenix
Reviewing with a fiery passion.