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maybe I am not unhappy

by Leviari


I'm always
too much,
or never
enough.

Maybe I am not unhappy,
just unsteady.


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Fri May 03, 2019 6:32 pm
Mea wrote a review...



Hey there Leviari! I'm here for the review you requested in my thread. I haven't read any of your work before, so I'm excited to check this one out. :)

(Do note that this is my first review in 2 months, and my first poetry review since I don't even know when, so bear with me haha.)

I actually really like this poem. I enjoy short poems that have one central image/metaphor a lot. This one in particular works well because it gets at a very specific feeling without having a lot of details about your specific circumstances. It makes the piece very relatable - I know for sure I have had the feeling before of swinging wildly back and forth between two emotional extremes, or with never being able to satisfy either myself or someone else because what I'm supposed to be keeps changing all the time.

I find myself wondering about the "I am not unhappy" line more than any other line of the poem. It seems to me like feeling unsteady would be the root cause of feeling unhappy - it's not that the narrator isn't unhappy, just that they've finally figured out why they're unhappy. It doesn't quite make logical sense, but it does make me think about other possible interpretations, so I can't decide whether to say it's something I would change or not. It really depends on what you're aiming for and how literal you want to be.

I also like how short the lines are in the first stanza. To me it helps convey how the narrator feels disjointed, going back and forth between each extreme. It's a shame that that pattern doesn't really work for the second stanza - that might be something I'd look at rearranging. I think the punctuation is fine as it is, but you should feel free to experiment with it and pick the punctuation style you like best.

Similarly, if it were me, I'd probably go for my personal favorite style of capitalization in these sorts of personal, emotional poems, which is capitalizing nothing except I. So I'd leave the "maybe" uncapitalized, to sort of show that this an informal and personal reflection, and that the person writing this isn't very self-confident. (When I'm writing *really* insecure poems, I'll sometimes not even capitalize the "I"s.) But this is really a personal preference unique to each poet, and your job is to experiment with those different styles until you find what you like.

I apologize for the lack of concrete suggestions in this review - this is a short enough poem that leaves enough ambiguous that it doesn't quite feel right to tell you to do something this way or that. I definitely enjoyed reading it, though, and I look forward to seeing you around the site. :) Let me know if you have any thoughts or questions about what I said!

Good luck, and keep writing!




Leviari says...


Hello! First of all thank you for you review. It's very detailed and full of interesting feedback. The insight you've given me about capitalization is pretty interesting!

Speaking of the "I am not unhappy" line, here's what I was trying to say:

I've never properly learned how to lead a balanced healthy life because I've always been torn between -to steal your words- "emotional extremes" . I've always blamed this behavior on my personal struggles and sadness. So in the last stanza I was trying to convey my realization that maybe I'm not miserable, I just need to find steadiness.
I hope I am making sense! I'll be more careful in explaining myself more efficiently :)

Thank you again for your feedback :)



Mea says...


No problem! Thanks for clarifying - I definitely see what you meant by that line now. :)



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Fri May 03, 2019 3:10 am
OofOof1 wrote a review...



Hello, I'm successfully here to review your poem. So, shall we get started...

What I like about the poem is that the first stanza or the first four lines we're rhyming. I really like rhyming because it puts a steady beat into poems that people are going to enjoy. One other way I like your poem is the title of it. The title goes very well with this sad poem. It's not severely sad, which that's another reason why I like it. It will make you care about the poem but it won't make you too severely sad.

I also liked how you make the words short and small.I like that style for the poem but maybe you can make it at least a little bit bigger. I can almost not see it. Maybe if you would fix that problem that would be good.

Besides that I would also like to talk to you about why this was a little bit harder to review than usual, besides the point that I could barely see it.This was so short and I never even reviewed something as short as this before, sure I have rated and reviewed one word poems but an actual poem that is this small could take a while for me. But I finally been able to handle this out.

You put little punctuation on your poem, which is okay but to me I think a, needs to be after the second line of your poem because I think it really goes there well.

Okay that's seems to be all that needs to be fixed. And great poem by the way, I love your Masterpiece. Your big stupendous Masterpiece that has little words in it. So exciting.

From your curious mischief and funny friend,

OofOof1 :-)




Leviari says...


Thank you so much for your detailed feedback, I really appreciated that you took the effort to review my work despite it being so short.

I will definitely fix the punctuation!
Thanks:)



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Fri May 03, 2019 12:07 am
Toboldlygo wrote a review...



Hey there! Toboldlygo here for a review and to hopefully help this piece get out of the Green Room.

Wow, this is actually a hard one to review. It's so short (which is great) that I don't really see much to offer advice or corrections on. But I'll give it a try!

This is a great piece overall. It's very to the point, and it conveys exactly what you're trying to say clearly and effectively. It is well put together and has a relatable content, so very well done! I also appreciate the irony that your poem is about being too much or never enough, and is six lines long. I think either a very short poem or a very long poem would have worked very well for this concept, but definitely not a medium length poem. You chose the short option and it works very well!

I did notice that you either did or did not use punctuation, and I think that is a bit confusing for your readers. I think it would be better if you either did not use punctuation at all or if you used it throughout the poem, but not a mixture of both. For example, there is no punctuation in the first verse until the period at the end, but the second verse breaks the lines with a comma. I think there should be commas either on all the lines or none of the lines. Personally, I prefer all the lines, but that's just my opinion. It's your piece, so I recommend you play around with both ideas and see if you want to change or keep this as it is.

You should be proud of this! It's a great poem and it's definitely very relatable to your readers, or at least to me haha.

Happy Writing!

Toboldlygo




Leviari says...


Hello there!! Thank you so much for your great review! And ugh punctuation!!! It's definitely not my strong suite, I really need to study it more. I'll listen to your advice and play around with it :)
Thank you for your feedback and for getting me out of the green room, much appreciated.



Toboldlygo says...


Anytime :)



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Thu May 02, 2019 2:48 pm
Anma says...



Hello Levi!

Hope you dont mind the name shortening...

This is really good, even know it's short. The words already really give the detail. Theres one suggestion I have, which is the put a comma between much and or. It gives it a better flow. Either than that its.

Keep up the good work!

Sincerely
Anma




Leviari says...


Hello there! Thank you for your review and I'm absolutely fine with the nickname ahah.
Have a good day/night!




Every kingdom divided against itself will be ruined, and every city or household divided against itself will not stand.
— Matthew 12:25