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125,022 Literary Works • 672,748 Reviews
Hey :3
Great poem, you've described it the feelings of the lovesick perfectly, and it's something most people can relate to.
Another great thing is that you've put the feelings into very clear sentences and used words very well, which makes it easy for a reader to go with the flow of the poem.
I like the fact that there are no unnecessary embellishments. Also, there are no rough edges which make the poem sound awkward.
To improve, you could add to the poem and put some other feelings and even try to think of emotions that people don't normally talk about it poems. For instance, something very un-cliché, that people would read and realise for the first time.
Also, you could change the word 'emptiness' in the last stanza because it doesn't sound that right.
Can't wait to read your next one!
Awww this poem is so sweet!!! For me, I felt like this poem put a refreshing twist on a cliche romance poem. "the kaleidoscope of butterflies," line was definitely my favorite.
Hi! LemonyIce..
Your piece delivered a feeling of a person who is liking or loving someone, secretly.
You have a cute description that makes us relate to it. Especially, when it's just you who know it. The more that you pretend to act normal and the more that you take control of yourself..
But sometimes the question is -- How long can you conceal it?
Anyways, nice poem..
Keep going..
ll
U
It's a lovely little poem, but there are just a few things you could improve on.
The first and second stanzas are great.
The third and fourth stanzas seem a little lackluster in comparison to the previous two. In the second stanza, you take a cliche and insert kaleidoscope imagery, which was very good. I think the third and fourth stanzas could be much better if you introduced images to go along with every cliche. The same goes for the last stanza. Also, I'm not sure if it's wise to talk about the stomach in two different stanzas in the same poem.
I really like this poem, but it could be so much better if you made it consistent in its use of imagery.
Just wow. I think this poem just summed up my "love" life perfectly.
)
I love your play on clichés, with the butterflies and weak knees, because you have made them seem fresher and more up to date with the use of "kaleidoscope" and such...
Also, the lack of rhyme makes it seem more personal as it's exactly like a teenage girl would feel (I should know... I am one
The first two lines especially, are a nice touch. It seems very personal, and I like how you've created a voice for your speaker
One thing, and I know it's not you but it's going to annoy me (typo's do that..)
*stomach.
sorry :') It's all brilliant!