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139,365 Literary Works • 672,540 Reviews
This is very goof but you are not really describing the pain. You say it is in your face. Is it clear? Or just there? You should probably use different words to describe how you feel instead "In the light, I'll just die" It needs to describe the emotion you are feeling. Use a different word than die. Try something that makes you sick to your stomach. Something that creates that dying feeling. Not just the word die. It is okay if you are a beginner because I am too. I loved the rest of your poem. You really must have a sadness to write this. It's great
I agree, this is a bit blunt. The verses that rhyme and have rhythm clash against the lines that don't. It's a good subject but I think the poem is ineffective at voicing the message you're trying to contain here. Of course this is a poem written in the dead of night, anything most people wrote would be short of Shakespeare.
I like the topic, but I felt like this was almost too blunt and emotional. It felt overly dramatic and over the top at times. It would've been nice to see you go more indepth on these kind of surface emotions, so that we can really feel you were talking about. I tend to be picky when judging poetry, so don't consider this a criticizing review. This was still a good poem, it was just lacking something to make it a great poem.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver