Declarations of A Lovesick Poet

Okay...Are you psychic? This is what I've been trying to put on paper for months! I love it! If you're writing a satire then that saddens me. I love every word and I couldn't have done a better job. I applaud you.

Hello LemonyIce! My first impression: Some parts of this seem exaggerated, like you're making fun of the whole idea of a love poem. Other parts seem more sincere, especially the first, sixth, and last stanza. The rest of my comments are assuming you're going for serious.

I liked the first stanza. It felt real, I could relate to it, and it also presents a more unique way of tackling the unrequited love theme.

I liked how you played with the punctuation in the second stanza. However, I have trouble thinking of love as an enemy of poetry, seeing as 90% of poetry concerns love in some form. Just my opinion though.

Third stanza, I'd take out the exclamation point, as they tend to draw attention away from the words. Otherwise, I like this.

The fourth and fifth stanzas are what made me wonder how serious the speaker is. I see bland adjectives that fail to help me sense anything about the subject. As a reader, I want to see his sapphire eyes and golden locks, smell his cheap cologne, feel his chiseled abs, know why the heck he's smiling. Okay, goofiness aside, the key to improving this bit is to pick something that draws the speaker in and make the reader sense it. Use adjectives wisely, and beef it up with metaphors or similes when you can.

I like the sixth stanza. It brings us back to the theme of trying to write about the subject and feels more original than the prior stanzas. I also like the comparison to a train.

Finally, the last stanza starts off kind of weak, but ends the piece on a strong note. Again, don't tell me the speaker hurts, show me her scrapes and bruises or her broken bones or something. The heart soaring thing also seems overdone. Lastly, this line

no matter how hard I hit my head against a brick wall,