Factory of vanity, fastlane of lies,
legal slavery, legal ties. Price
of humanity, I won't buy, price
of a leg or arm, too damn
high.
Frankenstein back in a business suit,
selling the limbs, watching the money
just plain sigh.
Magazines promising all too much,
a body that perfect isn't hard. Size
zero offers from Jekyll or Hyde, no
one can tell, no knows why, an offer
given through pretense, through lies.
Even the Gods had imperfect forms.
Even Frankenstein knew right from wrong.
Insuring limbs and Insuring weight,
it just makes me goddamn sick.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,839 Reviews
I LOVE the whole idea behind this, and for the most part it's really creative and open and emotional, which is good. The only part that really bothered me was the end...it felt like it should have ended on another note. Still, some of the lines really struck the right chord and I thought this was an insanely creative poem.
Keep writing,
~StoryWeaver
Yay, Paladin, you listened to us. Good!
Consistancy is key. If you’re going to start a new sentence with ‘Price’ in the first line but not do the same in the second line, you lose consistency. Actually, I think the second ‘price’ needs to start a new sentence no matter what.
Something about this just sounds odd. Like this shouldn’t be the end, yet it’s the end. I think it’s missing something just before this but it shouldn’t take much work to flesh it out. If you want of course.
Otherwise, I think you’ve got a poem with a powerful meaning here. Good job and good luck!
~lilymoore
Hey there, Vernon!
This is a very...emotional poem. xD For the most part it's decent, there are only a couple of things that bug me.
1. You are using waaay to many commas. End some sentences or put semi-colons, you need them in a few places.
2. It's kind of repetitive, though I suppose that's somewhat required for this poem.
And...that's pretty much it. o.o It's quite an interesting poem.
Goodluck, and keep it up.
~Heather