Die Schone Grauen

Hi Paladin,

I'd like to say that I absolutely loved the whole thing but, sadly, I can't. There's a few bugs here and there, which makes me have to dislike parts of it. Still, I have to say before I begin my nitpicks, you have some really spectacular word choice in this piece. At parts, it's totally killer.

LastPaladin wrote:
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Enigmatic grace, spread by original sin. #0000BF ">By how abrupt this line ends, it doesn't come off as a straight out beginning. I don't know how to explain it without sounding silly but it sounds more like a second line than a first.
Call of wild lust she breeds from within #0000BF ">This line and the next are completely stunning together--without each other they'd be utterly flat.
A run through hell, a stroll through heaven,
Rags stripped, pleasure hits. #0000BF ">Love that quick combination there, beautiful. Cries of ecstasy
echo like calls of a Siren, enchanting and sweet. #0000BF ">A bit cliched right here, Sirens are heavily overused (I just read three other poems who sighted those vicious beasts). Yes, it would sound lovely if it wasn't so everyday. Be creative and unique with your obviously talented word choice.
Delicious swan songs bring me relief. #0000BF ">Another swimmingly sweet line.

Drink a shot, it surely hits, #0000BF ">Just used "hits" like three lines up. I know, a bit nonsensical, but they're so close I can't help but notice the lack of variety.
like a wave of bliss she surely sits.
Torrid passion and perverse joy,
concealing a dagger, poisoned with #0000BF ">Okay, this cut right here does not work. It's way too choppy for a smooth read. I'd combine the "fervour and fire" with this line.
fervour and fire. The eternal black
flame reaches higher.

Mental equation like Olympian #0000BF ">I...like the wording here, though it doesn't quite make sense with the rest of the poem before. This stanza is the beginning of your sort of loss of rhythm. Work on that.
feats, myths of the mind slowly
seat. Guess my mind, guess my
manner. Guess me if you dare. #0000BF ">WAY too much "guessing" here. Too much repetition makes for dullness and a feeling of zip originality, sorry.
She whispers as a knife goes
to your gut. Bi the bi she is
mystery of Pandora’s depth. #0000BF ">I don't quite like "Bi the bi she is/mystery of Pandora's depth." It doesn't fit the rest and is just...weird.

Bedding in blood and stricken #0000BF ">Okay...question: shouldn't these two sentences mash together because, the first is incomplete and the last doesn't really make sense by itself. Just asking... Also, where'd the rhythm go? Did you suddenly just drop it somewhere?
release. Lady Bathory smiles,
with Bonny in tow.

Painting the town red, #0000BF ">Cliche, god, SO cliche I can't stand it. This whole stanza just irks me because of the strange repitition and how platitudinous it appears.
Painting it blue, liquid
passion all from you.

This girl likes them all; #0000BF ">This "girl"? She doesn't sound like a girl at all, more like woman.
Two of a kind, Queen
and Queen’s. #0000BF ">Is that suppose to be "Queen's" or is it plural? And what does that statement even mean, really? I don't understand it at all.
King’s and Queen. #0000BF ">And this, plural or not? Doesn't add up in the least.
It’s all in the suite. #0000BF ">Suite or suit? The card thing isn't working to your advantage.

Cyber freedom,
secret pleasure
sarcasm and flirts
ring from her lips,
while pushing me
down into lust
embrace. #0000BF ">I can't even describe how disappointed I am by this ending... It's just blah. What went wrong? It was going so well until this last stanza which just seems like an "I don't care" at the reader's face.

Heys! Its-a-me, Dreamy, here to review.Sort of.

I don't know why, but I feel like I've read this before. Anyway, it was jolly to read it again. I like this poem, you use awesome wording. It did get a little long though, and I think you should cut it down so it's not a jumble of words. I don't have any nitpicks that haven't been caught, so I'll just say good job.

-Dreamy

The parts I liked-

This line:
"...enchanting and sweet.
Delicious swan songs bring me relief."

This stanza:
"Drink a shot, it surely hits,
like a wave of bliss she surely sits.
Torrid passion and perverse joy,
concealing a dagger, poisoned with
fervour and fire. The eternal black
flame reaches higher."

And this stanza:
Painting the town red,
Painting it blue, liquid
passion all from you.

Now that I've said that, hehe.
I didn't like this stanza...
"This girl likes them all;
Two of a kind, Queen
and Queen’s.
King’s and Queen.
It’s all in the suite."
...because I didn't think it fit with the poem. I don't know why. It seemed like you were going some where else with the poem, you were relating other things, and you seemed to be set on something else, but then you put that stanza in there and it threw me off. To me it didn't make sense and wasn't relevant or connected to the poem. It was the one part I didn't like about it.
"This girl likes them all," was a good line, I have to say, but the rest I think you could have done without, or changed.

Hey there, Last. As I mentioned in chat earlier, "schone" should be spelled "schöne".

Jagged actually covered most of what I wanted to say though there are still a couple of things I'd like to point out. THe first issue is rhyme: is there, or is there not, a rhyme pattern? The first two lines of the first two stanzas rhyme, yet the first two lines of all the other stanzas do not. You've also got a couple of internal rhymes that aren't repeated anywhere. Rhymes rely on patterns to work, and right now, you lack a pattern. As a result, the rhyme felt odd and threw off the flow for me.

The other thing I'd like to bring up is the subject. What is it? Right now, you've got all these descriptions and fragments of imagery that don't make much sense when looked at with the other images, and this disjointedness of imagery leaves me wondering just what this poem was all about. What was the main focus. I can guess that it's this "she", but that still leaves me wondering why she is the focus of the poem in the first place. Basically, you've got all these imagery fragments without connection to one other that results in the point and reason of the poem being lost.

I suggest that you link the individual pieces of imagery together. Imagery exists to clarify things; not obscure them. Cut out everything that you put in just because it sounded cool or pretty, link together the core images, and then maybe go back and add some pretty images, all the while making sure they tie into and reinforce the main point of the poem and the other images.

Hey LP,
while there's a certain sense of rhythm in this that's pretty catchy and that I liked, and some images that were interesting ("myths of the mind" has a nice sound to it, and "Painting it blue, liquid / passion all from you.": while the red of the previous line was a bit cliché, I like the blue here; it's less common, and paints a much nicer picture (pun not intended)).

Enigmatic grace, spread by original sin.

Call of wild lust she breeds from within
A run through hell, a stroll through heaven,
Rags stripped, pleasure hits.

like a wave of bliss she surely sits.

Bedding in blood and stricken
release.

Two of a kind, Queen
and Queen’s.
King’s and Queen.
It’s all in the suite.