A Depressed God

Hi LastPaladin,

This is my first time reviewing your work, and thank-you for posting something amazingly good to review! I think Narrative Poetry is somewhat more difficult than other forms of poetry, because you're not just expressing your feelings, but you need to tell a proper story while still keeping the original characteristics of a poem. I felt you executed this beautifully, and it was a very neat and clean poem, it was in-line and not scattered all over the place.

Suggestions for tweaking up? Ummm...you don't really have to do that much. But, I recommend checking over your grammar, because could use a bit of fixing-up in particular places, but I won't hammer on about it because I think its been spoken of enough! As I was reading your poem, I noticed some lines rhyme and some don't. I'm not sure if you've done that on purpose, but I would suggest to make the whole poem rhyme or not rhyme, rather than having some bits that rhyme and some that don't.

Otherwise, like some others, I felt this was incredibly moving, and yes, a bit sad (depressing). It had such a richness of feeling and emotion, giving it so much depth! That's what I felt incredibly drawn towards in your poem. You definitely deserve a huge round of applause for this one!

Best wishes for future writing!

RedLeaf

Hi I actually enjoyed reading this poem.

I like this part:

No one knows its story, or why
such a smile can appear to cry.
But they bend and beg for it
to offer the world, save us
from strife.

Sparkling dew on its eyes fall like tears.

Bent and tired it appears weak.

The kingdom falls.

The girl still comes, weary and tired
yet with enduring stare she yells out
'I placed you too high.'

The statue says nothing just stays
still and she leaves her body wrought
and torn.

LastPaladin wrote:I wrote this in fit of anger, but found it quite depressing. Anyway here it is.

******

A statue stands high as can be,
outshining stars, and comets
as far as eye can see. On a
plinth in a square, quiet and
stoic

It stands like a finger to the Gods,
a dazzling smile while tears fill its
eyes. With rows of bluebells ringing
around, while people bend and kiss
it's feet.

No one knows its story, or why
such a smile can appear to cry.
But they bend and beg for it
to offer the world, save us
from strife.

A lone girl comes everyday, weeps
to the statue and walks away, but
as the Days fester into night she comes
back and pleads for all to be right.

Sparkling dew on its eyes fall like tears.

Bent and tired it appears weak.

The kingdom falls.

The girl still comes, weary and tired
yet with enduring stare she yells out
'I placed you too high.'

The statue says nothing just stays
still and she leaves her body wrought
and torn.

Hey Lupo!

I'm not entirely sure what this statue is doing. It's not clear whether it's supposed to be completely inanimate or not. In some places it gives me thA deep dark tempest of my very own delusionsression that it's sad that people are depending on it, but it's not personified enough to have its own identity yet.

Similar to the girl, it needs more substance, or more of an impression to pull the reader in a bit more.

Sometimes it can be hard to analyse your own emotions in the heat of the moment, or 'in a fit of anger.' For things like that it's best to let the emotions settle before you draw on them as inspiration. You'll see things with a clearer perspective, and you'll be able to put your point across better.

Same here.
I felt like all this was going on and I was left at the metro bus stop- on the other side of the street.
Nice poem and story, but I just feel like it went on without me.*cries*

Hey,

Poems about od I love especially in this contest,however, there is something that bothers me about it, but I don't know what.

I think it could be the actual form. As it is very varied and frantic, so, personally, I would try and put the same form throughout the poem and see if that does it any favours, if not simply change it back.

It was a good poem in content however and I thouroughly enjoyed it.

Keep it up.

~Retro Disco666

hi! I'm pointe and I'm going to review you today!

A statue stands high as can be,
outshining stars, and comets
as far as eye can see. On a
plinth in a square, quiet and
stoic

It stands like a finger to the Gods,
a dazzling smile while tears fill its
eyes. With rows of bluebells ringing
around, while people bend and kiss
it's feet.

No one knows its story, or why
such a smile can appear to cry.
But they bend and beg for it
to offer the world, save us
from strife.

A lone girl comes everyday, weeps
to the statue and walks away, but
as the Days fester into night she comes
back and pleads for all to be right.

Sparkling dew on its eyes fall like tears.

Bent and tired it appears weak.

The kingdom falls.

The girl still comes, weary and tired
yet with enduring stare she yells out
'I placed you too high.'

The statue says nothing just stays
still and she leaves her body wrought
and torn.

ok: this is nice... It didn't make me feel involved. All it is: is a bunch of words coupled together, sure it's pretty but doesn't involve me which makes me sad please involve the reader asking questions etc. and it just seems to repeat constantly.
~pointe

Hey there LastPaladin! I'm Missy!
ok.... WOW! STUNNING work! I have to say that I love the way this is written, it has been said before that there's always beauty in the pain and you writing this in a fit of anger proves that the saying is true!
Once again, I love the way this is written. I'm able to close my eyes and picture what you are saying and that is always good in a poem!
Great Job! keep writing!
Regards
~Missy~

I liked the imagery, first off, and the theme and subject you were going for. I liked the idea and the context of the poem, as well, and it's intentions. I mean, what I'm interpreting it to be.

I loved the lines:
"With rows of bluebells ringing
around"

and

"No one knows its story, or why
such a smile can appear to cry."

Especially because of rhyming, because rhyming makes my day.

What really only made me bleh is the fact that you had a nice rhythm going at parts, a really smooth rhythm, but then the rhythm got choppy in places. Then it would come back and then it'd be gone again. There was one line in particular that was really awkward to the pace of the poem.
"back and pleads for all to be right."
When I was reading I dunno why, but I was expecting it to say something else. So my mind just stumbled and tripped ride over this line and I had to go back to read it again to see what it actually said.

Other than that, it was a good poem. : )

I'm sorry, I found it boring D= Didn't envoke any emotion.

A statue stands high as can be,
outshining stars, and comets
as far as eye can see. On a
plinth in a square, quite and stoic Quiet not 'quite'






No one knows its story, or why
such a smile can appear to cry.
But they bend and beg for it
to offer the world, give us all you got? This sounds very casual, completely out of place in such a somber poem.



[/quote]
A lone girl comes everyday, weeps
to the statue and walks away, but
as the day fester into night she comes Days,not 'day
back and pleads for all to be right.

Sparkling dew on it's eyes fall like tears. Its, not 'it's'
Bent and tired it appears weak.

The kingdom falls.

The girl still comes, weary and tired
yet with enduring stare she yells out
'I placed you to high.' Too, not 'to'



Sparkling dew on it's eyes fall like tears. Its, not 'it's'



....

All in all, this is a great poem. Its wording and flow is haunting, so sad, yet kind of mystical. I love it.

Just work on the typos and misspellings.

Great work!

~Voxina

Mkay,

I have two things to point out.

The statue is the finger to the gods... why? Can you explain this to me? It sounds poetic and beautiful, but what is it doing, pointing towards the gods, letting viewers know that they exist?

Secondly, this statue is a mystery. Why do people worship it? I think you need to give some background as to why. I think I get this poem, however there are a few paths that it could follow. I think that you should explain more the feelings of the people about this. Otherwise, this is just a poem about a statue that people worship. What I want to know is why.

Well, I said I don't know much to say in poem reviews, so that's all I got.

Oh yeah, and one time above you said "it's" instead of "its".

Good luck, keep writing,

Classy

I really enjoyed this poem. You were right, it's a little depressing, but I found it to be moving. I liked how you described the girl's sort of relationship(?) with the statue, and how she sort of hopes and believes in what the statue could do for her, but as we all know statues aren't real so nothing comes out of it.
I also really thought that your first stanza was excellent. Really descriptive and I liked your word choice.
Keep writing,
Jane