Invisible Gestures Don't Equal Brutus Betrayel

Hello, LP! I'm here! Late, but here. Okay. *Tugs on shirt* Let's get to work.

If Hercules wanted fame, instead of life,
if Gandhi chose to be selfish and ignore
his people's plight. I don't think you should start a new sentence right here, 'cause it feels right a whole sentence Where would we be, Here it feels proper for a new sentence
the blind and narrow leading the minded,
forget the acts they did, how they stood
for all. Judge them for affairs, judge them
for personal facts of their lives.

It doesn't matter, you don't see,
that actions don't equal want, Here you should start a new sentence, other wise it feels like you're rambling
kindness exist, sincerity is breathing,
coughing on the closed doors of
your inner cortex.

Believing the person wants more,
not looking in the empty store,
no money, no reward, an old
man, heart wracked with
names and assocations (associations, you mean?),
charitable nature meant
nothing to you all. This feels like it goes on forever; run on sentence

Judge not the invisible coin,
judge not humanity (Humanity's?) mankindness This isn't a word,
level the scale, open the doors, open
the gate, look through the sorrowful
gaze, witness an innocent being, wrought
over wrong, capture the true aura of
of a their soul.

The world ain't all selfish. Bad flow to the poem, at the "ain't."

Perhaps you better remove the
shades, Nice and see the world as not
perverted or wrong, but as grey
and gray, colour and color, it may
suprise You spelled "Surprise" wrong I'm guessing.

Good job though, LP. Nice story you're telling here.
Keep writing and PM me for anything.

~Freak

LastPaladin wrote:If Hercules wanted fame, instead of life,
if Gandhi chose to be selfish and ignore
his people's plight. Where would we be,
the blind and narrow leading the minded,
forget the acts they did, how they stood
for all. Judge them for affairs, judge them
for personal facts of their lives.

It doesn't matter, you don't see,
that actions don't equal want,
kindness exist, sincerity is breathing,
coughing on the closed doors of
your inner cortex.

Beliving the person wants more,
not looking in the empty store,
no money, no reward, a old
man, heart wracked with
names and assocations,
charitable nature meant
nothing to you all.

Judge not the invisible coin,
judge not humanity mankindness,
level the scale, open the doors, open
the gate, look through the sorrowful
gaze, witness a innocent being, wrought
over wrong, capture the true aura of
of a their soul.

The world ain't all selfish.

Perhaps you better remove the
shades, and see the world as not
perverted or wrong, but as grey
and gray, colour and color, it may
suprise.

This is a very beautiful poem. An amazing blend of reality and fiction, of dreams and the painful truth.
However I did notice that you use a little slang language, I would not really advise that.

Where would we be,

must be: Where would we be?

Beliving the person wants more

must be:Believing the person wants more[/quote]

a old man

must be:an old man

charitable nature meant

must be:means. because you are using the present tense throughout your entire poem

The world ain't all selfish

must be:Isn't

Perhaps you better remove the

must be:perhaps you had better remove the

I am normally not that interested in poetry, but I clicked on this link and all of a sudden, I just wanted to keep on reading! This was just plain awesome! I like how the poem just seems to grab your attention.

There were two small things that I noticed that just seemed to jump out at me.

a old

I believe it's 'an old man'

level the scale, open the doors, open
the gate, look through the sorrowful

Here, I'm not sure if you did this for a reason -- poetry isn't something I'm very good at -- but I think that 'open the gate' should be in the same line. Otherwise it just seems like you are saying, 'open the doors. Open.' I used periods to show where I took pauses.

Other than that, I just loved the poem!