Young Writers Society

Hey Laelle!


This piece of writing contains devotional and a sort of spiritual subject (related to each other). Nevertheless, I see the significance of the title, as it is subjective to the supreme lord.

Content wise, it's clear how you express the lord's shrine located up in the heavens, to us known as the skies. This is a simple yet clear subject of discussion. You have captured the interests of not only the religious, but also the others who seek interest in learning about the love of the lord.

Grammar and Spelling, is in good shape. I spotted how you've added emphasis on "His" to dignify the lord. This adds on to the topic of significance of content. This is a wonderful start.

Structure wise, it's recommended that you organize the content into stanzas. That way you don't intimidate your readers into finding something huge. Each stanza could discuss a different aspect of the lord, for example. Otherwise, no serious issues.

Content is very coherent, as you are simply describing the lord's glory and his shrine in the skies. If it were sort of like a narrative, attention had to be given to writing consistency too.

Literary devices are widely used here. I am able to find metaphors, adjectives, and personification.


My personal rating for this work is 4.1/5


I shall add a "like" since your work gets 80%+ from me

Hello!

I saw the title of this poem, and was interested to see what it was about, as you have chosen a great name for it. I like how this poem is so clear about its message, and it is always nice to hear about how people think about God. My perspective on God is quite unique, and I don't really know anyone who thinks the same, but considering I am always surrounded by people who criticize my beliefs, it is refreshing to hear about someone who has similar opinions. Because God is such a complex subject, I am always open to hearing people discuss it, as it tells me something new and improves my thoughts.

Now, onto the poem. For some reason, I feel like it's written in a way that's almost too intense. I feel like when it gets to the line "Now I show you" it feels like it's trying to get people to think a certain way, and it's hard to explain, but I think if you had continued with lines like "The fear of the Lord is clean, enduring forever" it would have been a little easier to read. Of course, this is just a suggestion, and it's up to you how you write your poem. At the end of the day, your opinion on your own poem is the most important.

Very good work! I loved the thought, and depth and meaning of this poem, and it is a personal thing to talk about, so well done! I look forward to reading more from you!

Hey Laelle!

I found this in the Green Room so here's a review from me to you!

I think you made your point exceptionally clear in this piece. You weren't cutting around the bushes, or hiding it behind anything obscure, and I really like that about your poem. Sometimes when people get into using poetic devices too much they can muddy the waters and it can become unclear what the poet is trying to express. Here, you don't have that. You have a very clear expression of your idea, which is to let god into your heart.

That being said, I think the poem itself could use some improvement. I feel like you sort of rushed into a bunch of imperative lines at the end, and personally, I don't like people telling me what to do in a poem any more than I do a stranger coming up to me on the sidewalk. I think of a poem as two people meeting at random and one of them conveying a message that they want to stick in the other person's head. At the end of this poem you're basically saying that this is a list of to-dos for them to complete after the conversation's done. and in general, that's not a good practice for poetry. Mostly, because if your first part isn't strong enough, where you're convincing them of your train of thought, then you're really going to outcast them in the second part. I like to call it the "You're Not My Mother" test, but basically if you read a line and you can say "You're not my mother!" in that stereotypical tone of "You're not the boss of me" which is another way it's said, then you've got an imperative sentence where someone's going to stop reading.

So what this means is the whole section after "Now I tell you..." doesn't work for me. It's not a style of poetry I like because it's too bossy, or preachy, however, it's called preachy because it's what preachers do, and this is a religious poem, so I understand if you want to leave it just as it is. I do think that if you went more for a tone of "I" rather than "you" and talk about what you do with your faith, you could quickly and effectively get away from the imperative sentences and improve the poem by sharing instead of declaring.

For instance, you could say

Now I tell you...
I keep these things close.
They are the treasure of the Lord.
I clean myself of sin.
I let the lord's light reside in me
For He is a perfect God, extravagant in every way
and He loves ME
More than anything else, He wants me
I just look into the skies
His message for me rests there
It's waiting to be opened and
He's waiting for me to open it.