When hardships come, and there seems to be nothing but sadness...
We must find the strength to carry on.
Find the hope to rise up. Conquer all challenges. Everything that
kicks us down, breaks our faith; trust, and
hope. They are there to discourage us! We are stronger than any
force that comes our way. We can't lose,
when the battle has already been won.
We hold trophy's in our hands, the visual evidence of our achievement.
But we act as if those are nothing.
No, we want more! The more the better...right? NO! I can't stress enough
over this foolish belief! We
aren't here for...awards. We are here to change the world. Start a new
age...a age of integrity. But that first
change starts in our hearts, what we are are the most important part of
changing that world.
We are the first step, and the last is our final trophy.
We start changing now. We can't live greedy lives, or even lustful lives.
We should only live one life, and that's to glorify our creator.
He never made us to see self-ruin.
He made us so we could live lives free of sin, free of the hurts in this world.
We chose the path we are now taking.
We should at least make the most out of the time we have,
spending it sharing the gospel, showing others another way they should take.
Let us start now, our journey begins now.
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140,903 Literary Works • 673,706 Reviews
So Title....Check, Poem...Check, and Rhythm.....check. So you got all the right things for this poem to be great. You have a catchy title name, you follow a great poem structure and your rhythm is perfect, yet I fill unsatisfied. Do you know why? Its cause more or less your title and concept is a match but not a match. I get what you was going for but at the same time I fill that this particular piece should have had a different name then hope. Although once again I see how you tried to tie this together. You hope that the human race can grow, and live without greed, and lust. You hope we can change the world for new ages, but yet this piece doesn't say that to me. Instead I feel you should have name this, the never changing message, or the true will of god, or something like that. With the title hope. I was looking for you to go a little more in detail on what to hope for, like you did at the beginning of this beautiful piece of work. Instead you went to church on me, which isn't a bad thing, just you know your concept leans more towards god evolution for us verse what we hope for ya know.
Hello Laelle! Hope you're having a great day and enjoying! I'm here to give your work a review! Yay! ^^
As I'm a very creepy positive person, I'm always there for positive people, thoughts, works. And, I couldn't love your one more! Oh! Why haven't you put it in the Poetry section? The format you've got looks more like poetry. So, that'd have been better.
First, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?? I mean, I mean, this is fantastic! Totally! Trust me, I loved it!
Now, let's do the important thing, shall we?
Let's start with the first line. Yes, true. I agree with you. But, after the word "sadness" I don't think three dots are necessary :3 you could simply use a comma.
Well, I'm little confused. With the 'Everything' line. I think there's something wrong with the structure and you should get that if you reread it. x3 I think, it'd sound better like this- Everything that kicks us down, breaks our faith, trusts and hope; They're there to discourage us.
Comes in our way, probably? And,
Trophies, I think?
Oh, yes, the bitter truth. We are never satisfied. We want more no matter how much we already have! And, yes, thanks for your message. It's high time we got out of that stupid belief.
I agree that before we make some change, it's important to change ourselves in a good way. Not saying we should create a all new WE and forget who we are but it's more like, if you do the wrong, how can you ask others to do the right? But, ironically we do that. Now, I don't think we're here to change the world in the first place. Because, can we really do that? We can, if we stay together and work as one. But, that shouldn't (Bringing a change) be our ultimate goal. Rather, we should be honest, good and helpful.
Yes, we can't! My favorite line.
This is how it ends! I think you're right. But, we shouldn't always show others the another way around, should we? XD it can definitely be some kind of irritation for them. It sounds nosy. Rather, we should concentrate on improving ourselves and help them who need it. And, your last line makes me want to run and go start the journey!!
Okay, now there's always room for improvement no matter how awesome your work is. I think you should work on your format. It confused me at some points. After giving your work a little proofread, it should be better and more pleasant to read.
That's all I had. Have some great moments with your loved ones!
~ Nire!
Hey, Laelle! I think you've got a pretty good thing going on here. I like the way you structured it; it reads like a speech, but is built like a poem. I don't know how to describe it, but it does make it way easier to read and grasp this way. It's a pep talk, that's for sure.
The only thing I've got to say is be careful with those ellipses. I don't think you need them at all, to be honest, because they disrupt the flow of the piece and causes long pauses where there really shouldn't be a pause at all. Read it over out loud, and places where you think absolutely need a pause, and a comma instead. This will make a shorter pause for readers in their heads and would be less of a distraction.
(Also, "NO" in the tenth line can be lowercase. The exclamation point does enough)
(and it's "an age of integrity", not "a age of integrity")
Other than that, I think you've done pretty well with this. You're point is very clear and concise, which is pretty important for a piece like this. If you've got any questions with what I've said above, don't be afraid to ask. Have a great day/night!
I absolutely love this. It is so moving and the theme is excellent. I couldn't agree more about what you are saying.
I am a little confused about the set up.
( No, we want more! The more the better...right? NO! I can't stress enough
over this foolish belief! We
aren't here for...awards. We are here to change the world. Start a new)
Why are you pressing enter in the middle of a line? I have never seen that before.
Anyway good work and again I love the theme.