z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Trust me, not? (Part 3)

by LadyMysterio


She crept over to the door and stood with her back to the wall beside the door. Out of instinct, she put a hand on her shealth, this knife had yet to save her life. She turned the corner quickly.

"Oh, hey Lysandra, you’re up early."

"What are you doing?"

"I wanted to do some research on that Agent the mysterious phone caller named."

"Ask next time, you may be my partner, but that doesn't give you the right to use my utilities without asking ."

"Geez don't be so mad."

"OUT."

He rolled his eyes, "Alright your majesty." 

'Why was he acting like this?'

"Eden bring up anything you have on Agent Lycaon."

A bunch of pictures and files popped up on the screen, "This is all I have on Agent Lycraon,"   Eden  announced

She grazed over the files, then looked up, suddenly realizing that Threron was wandering around her house alone, again.

"Eden, where’s Theron?"

"His is in your knife room."

"Bring up video. "

A live video soon showed up of Theron. Who picking up knives, looking them over, putting them back or pretending to sword fight. She pressed her finger on the screen, “Theron."

He jumped, "Wha?"

"Stop playing with my knives please>"

He looked around confused, as he put the knives back, then spotted the camera. Then laughed, "For a second there I thought you had resident ghosts."

"Can you come up, we're going out." She watched him exit the room then went back to the files. Agent Lycroan had been fired from the agency three years ago, for what, it didn't say. Then he had seemingly disappeared, from everything, any info from after he was fired was gone, driver's licence, credit card number, everything. She waved a hand, the screen faded as Theron entered the room.

"So where are we going?"

"What did you find about agent Lycroan," Lysandra looked pointedly at him.

"I....can not remember, I have a horrible memory."

"Hum, well any information I can find is from three years ago, he seems to have disappeared, completely."

"Maybe he’s hiding?"

"IF he is, he must still have access to the network, how he kept that I don't know, they usually block fired agents form the network."

Theron shrugged.

"I'll meet you at the garage, in fourteen hundred hours, you should get your weapons and such."

Theron nodded and headed out to his housing quarter.

Lysandra went down to her weapons room.

"Eden, Activate, self-destruction."

"Activating self-destruction."

A space in the wall disappeared, she stepped inside, tasers, gadgets, a few handguns, and her favourite. A mic disguised as a black velvet choker were displayed on shelves on every available wall space. She slipped on the choker and grabbed her most used weapon, her two batons with built-in tasers.

"Eden, disengage self destruct."

“Would you like me to lock up after you leave?"

"Yes, that'd be great."

She left her house and made her way to the garage, she spotted her bike and checked the fuel gauge, it read full.

"Ready to go catch a mole?" Theron announced, coming over as she strapped on her helmet.

“Do you have a bike?"

"Yup." He pointed to one a few rows over

"Right, do you know where Hemsworth Pub is?"

"Yeah."

"That's where we're going."

Lysandra swung her leg over her bike and took off.

"Eden, bring up Heads Up Display, and open the garage door."

She was now in a long corridor, a door was slowly opening in about 300 hundred yards away. She glanced in her rearview mirror, as she passed through the door, Theron was right behind her,  "Eden, give me a direct route to, Hemsworth Pub," A blue line appeared on her HUD.( Heads Up Display, it's what Iron Man uses in his suits with JARVIS and FRIDAY.)


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User avatar
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Thu Jan 09, 2020 7:21 am
Messenger wrote a review...



Hey, Messy here with another review for ya

1. I have a couple of positives from this chapter I thought I should point out.

"For a second there I thought you had resident ghosts"


This actually cracked me up. As a whole, I think this chapter did a better job of showing Theron and Lysandra's closer friendship through some good action. It was simple but effective show instead of tell.
"Eden, disengage self destruct"

“Would you like me to lock up after you leave"

"Yes that'd be great"

More good stuff here. I like this interaction. It shows that Eden has some personality and is a nuanced and adaptive AI, not rigidly programmed.

2. I have a few suggestions on where to work on stuff.

"IF, he is, he must still have access to the network, how he kept that I don't know, they usually block fired agents form the network"


Umm yeah, so I don't know for sure, but this seems like a pretty important agency with secrets and special agents and AI and whatnot. Isn't it a guarantee that a former agent would no longer have access to their network, especially one fired? Unless this pertains to the plot later I would say that it shouldn't even be up for debate that he shouldn't have access. In my mind, this means that there is either a breach of security or that he has someone on the inside working for him which is also a huge deal.

3. Dialogue: this needs some work. The dialogue itself isn't bad. I think it's fairly natural sounding. It's the fact that there is so much dialogue when compared to the rest of the prose. We have two chunks of description, but everything else is just dialogue. It makes it a bit dry to me with no character actions, no change of emotion or tone indicated throughout the whole thing, aside from Lysandra's outburst. Try working in some more character through tone and emotion.

HOpe this helps
Messy




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Sat Oct 19, 2019 3:26 pm
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Dreamy wrote a review...



Hey!

Before we get into the story, let's talk typos, yea?

" Oh hey Lysandra, you’re up early "


Punctuation are missing from the sentence. Actually, punctuation is something you need to focus on a bit more. It can get in the way of smooth narration and can annoy the readers. These are the few things that you can avoid yourself by editing these parts before you post them here so the reviewers will concentrate more on the story and the character development rather than punctuation and grammar. I was just like you till I realised that I wanted reviews on story development. So edit once or twice before you post them here for better critics.

" What are you doing? "


" I wanted to do some research on that Agent, the mysterious phone caller named."

I noticed that you leave space before and after using the quotation marks. It should be "I wanted to do some research on that Agent, the mysterious(is it mysterious or strange?)// the phone caller with a mysterious name."

" Ask next time, you may be my partner, but that doesn't give you the right to use my, utilities without asking "


Too many unnecessary commas here.

He rolled his eyes " Alright you majesty " Why was he acting like this?


He rolled his eyes, "Alright, your majesty."

" Eden bring up, anything you have on Agent Lycaon,"


"Eden, bring up anything you have on Agent Lycaon."

A bunch of pictures and fils popped up on the screen," This is all I have on Agent Lycroan"


files

As I said earlier, you have a lot of avoidable typos. Pay a little bit attention to them, edit anything you ever write before posting them here.

Alright, on with the story: I like how you are slowly unwrapping the mystery/suspense. It's really cool to read. Theron is goofy, I like him. I can't wait to see how they solve this case. It's exciting! Also, what is HUD?

Keep writing!

Cheers! :D




LadyMysterio says...


Hey hank you for reviewng, it has been helping me with errors I can't spot if I read it myself. I will totally focus more on pucuation. I will be posting the next chapter soon so stay tuned, its a big one! HUD stands for HEADS UP DISPLAY. It 'swhat iron man has in his suits and EDITH glasses



Dreamy says...


Oh, that's cool. How about you explain about HUD for those who are not aware of it? Even those who do know might feel lost when they come across it randomly. :)




Well, if I can't get this chapter to work....at least I will have exercised my fingers.
— Kaia