Hey, Messy here with another review for ya
1. I have a couple of positives from this chapter I thought I should point out.
"For a second there I thought you had resident ghosts"
This actually cracked me up. As a whole, I think this chapter did a better job of showing Theron and Lysandra's closer friendship through some good action. It was simple but effective show instead of tell.
"Eden, disengage self destruct"
“Would you like me to lock up after you leave"
"Yes that'd be great"
More good stuff here. I like this interaction. It shows that Eden has some personality and is a nuanced and adaptive AI, not rigidly programmed.
2. I have a few suggestions on where to work on stuff.
"IF, he is, he must still have access to the network, how he kept that I don't know, they usually block fired agents form the network"
Umm yeah, so I don't know for sure, but this seems like a pretty important agency with secrets and special agents and AI and whatnot. Isn't it a guarantee that a former agent would no longer have access to their network, especially one fired? Unless this pertains to the plot later I would say that it shouldn't even be up for debate that he shouldn't have access. In my mind, this means that there is either a breach of security or that he has someone on the inside working for him which is also a huge deal.
3. Dialogue: this needs some work. The dialogue itself isn't bad. I think it's fairly natural sounding. It's the fact that there is so much dialogue when compared to the rest of the prose. We have two chunks of description, but everything else is just dialogue. It makes it a bit dry to me with no character actions, no change of emotion or tone indicated throughout the whole thing, aside from Lysandra's outburst. Try working in some more character through tone and emotion.
HOpe this helps
Messy
Points: 11295
Reviews: 663
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